-As the coronavirus outbreak spikes for a third time,
nearing new records in daily cases,
the president has decided on a closing message
for the last two weeks of the election --
whine about having to campaign in swing states
and attack "60 Minutes" correspondent Lesley Stahl.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
Look, I know this might be a little judgmental,
but I'm starting to think that, maybe, just maybe,
Donald Trump is not exactly a political mastermind.
For example, he basically tried to make his whole campaign
about Joe Biden's record on China.
And then it turned out,
Trump is the one who has a secret bank account in China.
Soon, we're going to find a photo of Trump burning down
a Target wearing a shirt that says "I'm an anarchist!"
In fairness, if Trump didn't want "The Times"
to find out about this, he probably shouldn't have left
that folder on his desktop labeled
"Not a secret Chinese bank account."
The account was secret.
Although, knowing Trump, there's a good chance
he would have just blurted it out at some point anyway.
"Mr. President, do you need some cash for the church service?"
"Yeah, just take it out of
the secret Chinese bank account!"
And then, last night, Trump was in Erie, Pennsylvania,
for another one of his coronavirus infect-a-thons.
And his big pitch to voters in Erie
was that he didn't want to be in Erie.
-Four or five months ago, when we started
this whole thing -- Because, you know,
before the plague came in, I had it made.
I wasn't coming to Erie.
I mean, I have to be honest. There's no way I was coming.
I didn't have to.
I would have called you and said,
"Hey, Erie, you know, if you have a chance,
get out and vote."
We had this thing won.
And then we got hit with the plague,
and I had to go back to work.
"Hello, Erie. May I please have your vote?"
-Man, you never hear the crowd at a Trump rally
that silent.
"Yeah! We...suck?
Lock us up?"
Although, in fairness to Trump,
Erie's not my favorite Great Lake, either.
There's at least one that's "superior."
[ Glass shatters ]
Feel like that should have come a tick faster.
That joke was originally submitted for a "Ziggy" cartoon,
but it was rejected.
Seriously, though, that's quite
the political masterstroke, Mr. President --
tell the people whose votes you're courting
you didn't want to be there.
"The last time I left Erie, I prayed I'd never be back,
that I'd never have to look at your slack-jawed faces,
and, yet, here I am.
Here I am.
Anyway, vote for me, you bingo-hall townies,
and try not to choke to death on a sticker."
By the way, I don't think he was kidding.
Trump usually goes for an hour-plus
at these group therapy sessions, but he told the crowd
he was wrapping up early because it was cold.
-And, in conclusion -- We'll make this
a little shorter.
You know, it's like about 40 degrees.
I don't want people -- I don't want to lose anybody.
You got to go vote.
So we're going to go a little shorter,
because you got to go vote.
-"A little, little shorter."
Alright, first of all, how can you be cold?
Your trench coat could double as a business poncho.
But, yeah, I'm sure you wouldn't want anything
bad to happen to all those people you invited
to a packed crowd during a raging pandemic.
Their health and safety is definitely your top priority.
You know, we've been saying this, but Trump is doing so much
to help spread the virus, he should start traveling
with a mascot named COVID Larry.
"Give it up for COVID Larry, folks.
He'll be shooting T-shirts into the crowd with his T-shirt gun.
We just have the one shirt, so if you get it,
put it on, take a picture, and then hand it to the next guy."
But, in all seriousness,
I'd like to make this offer to Trump.
We will make the COVID Larry costume for you
and send it to your campaign free of charge
if you decide to adopt him as your official mascot
for the last two weeks of the campaign.
I mean, what the hell? Just go for it, man.
You've called COVID a "blessing from God,"
claimed it made you immune,
that it made you feel powerful, like Superman.
You've held packed rallies without masks or distancing,
had a White House super-spreader event,
made people drive around with you
while you were actively infected,
and told your supporters it's just like the flu.
I mean, you should just come out as
the pro-COVID candidate already.
Might as well give it a shot. Nothing else is working.
And if you do that, our wardrobe department
will send you the costume ASAP.
We'll even size it so it fits Mike Pence perfectly.
"Uh, Mr. President, I cannot breathe in here."
"Just put on the suit, Mike.
Do your [bleep] dance, and let's get the hell out of Erie."
Every day, it seems we get
more horrific news about the pandemic.
On Tuesday, the CDC said the pandemic
could cause nearly 300,000 more deaths
than expected in a typical year.
And a study found that 8 million Americans
went into poverty during the ensuing economic crash.
Or as the president put it yesterday on "Fox & Friends"...
-Well, we are living with it,
and we're having the vaccines coming out very soon.
With or without the vaccines, we're rounding the turn.
-What's the right path for us, right now,
on opening up our society?
-Well, we have to open up
and we live with it and we open up our schools.
And I'm the one that got Big Ten and Pac-12 football back.
You know, I got that back.
That wasn't coming back, and I got it back.
Hope people realize that.
That was pure and simple me or whatever.
-You really negate the "pure and simple"
when you follow it with "whatever."
"The sky is blue, pure and simple...or whatever."
Of course, on "Fox & Friends",
it's not even a given that the sky is blue anymore.
-They went there, that's where they met,
and it's pretty much been green skies ever since.
And, by the way, they also have the --
-Wait. Green skies? -Oh, should I say blue skies?
-Uh-huh.
Also, is it just me or does it sound like Trump's heart
is not really in it anymore?
You can almost picture him, on the other end of the phone,
in The White House packing his things in a cardboard box,
not really paying attention, halfheartedly making [bleep] up
because he knows it's what they want to hear.
"Yeah. Yeah, I saved college football or whatever.
Hey, Melania, where's the insta-pot?
'Cause I'm packing the kitchen, Mel.
Mel, you sold it?
With a yard -- Mel, what about my jambalaya?
Mel, what about Tuesday night jambalaya night?
Don't slam the door, Mel."
By the way, scientists have said we wouldn't need
to lock down again if we just did a few basic things
that public-health officials are asking for,
things like testing and tracing on a massive scale,
closing down and subsidizing the most dangerous businesses,
like indoor bars, practicing universal
mask wearing, handwashing, and social distancing.
If we did those things on a nationwide scale,
we could get back to some semblance of normalcy,
until vaccines and therapeutics help us eradicate the disease.
Dr. Fauci has said as much, repeatedly.
-It occurs because of the lack of implementation of
simple public-health measures.
It's so frustrating, because it's not rocket science.
You don't need to lock down.
-It's not rocket science,
unless you're a famous idiot, like Donald Trump.
Let's remember, this is the same guy who,
at the start of the pandemic, went to CDC headquarters
to project confidence and strength
and literally just held up a printout
of a coronavirus particle like a 5th grader
who forgot he had a science project due.
"The coronavirus particle was first discovered
by the 18th century German scientist Johann...Wikipedia."
And, look, I make fun of him for being dumb,
but I got to give it up.
He is the only person I know who can get the printer to work.
The reality is, Trump and the GOP
just do not care about the pandemic.
They don't care that nearly 300,000 more Americans
have died this year than otherwise would have.
They don't care that 8 million people fell into poverty
as a result of the economic crash.
The one and only thing they care about
is whining and moaning about how the media treats them.
It's the only thing that seems to get them genuinely animated.
They love to complain about not getting special treatment
on social-media platforms.
My favorite recent example of this
is a bizarre Instagram post from Donald Trump Jr.
-Hey, guys. Hope you're doing well.
Just watching my algorithms get crushed.
I guess I did something to piss off the Instagram gods.
So hopefully you're seeing this stuff anyway.
We'll do what we can. Talk to you soon.
-I think Instagram might have shadow-banned you
for not knowing your angles.
Was this shot from the point of view of the Teddy bear
you tell your problems to?
Also, where are you? Is that a sleeper car on Amtrak?
And do you have a giant head or is that a hospital pillow?
Are you going to be Daria for Halloween?
Seriously, dude, I never thought I'd say this,
but, you know, get a journal or something.
Don Jr. is in his 40s, but he sounds like his best bro
in junior high just told him he can't have
that extra ticket to Ozzfest.
"Hey, guys. Hope you're doing well.
Dirk says he's taking his girlfriend to Ozzfest.
I guess I did something to piss off the heavy-metal gods.
Talk to you soon."
This gets to a core truth of Trumpism.
The Trump era has revealed many things
about what the modern Conservative movement
actually stands for,
rather than what they pretend to stand for.
And one thing we've learned over the last four years
is that the so-called party of personal responsibility
is actually filled with whiny, petulant babies
who fill their diapers whenever you don't give them
exactly what they want.
It's a party of Veruca Salts.
For example, last week, after NBC inexplicably
did Trump the huge favor of scheduling a rival town hall
at the exact same time as Joe Biden's town hall on ABC,
which was scheduled first,
this is how Fox host Sean Hannity reacted.
-Moments ago, NBC Fake News did their best to just ambush
President Trump at tonight's town hall.
He pretty much debated Savannah Guthrie.
And what we all witnessed was not journalism.
It was a political debate with the morning host
of the "Today" show serving as, well, Joe Biden's surrogate,
and it didn't really work out well for her.
-It didn't work out well for her?
I mean, she's still hosting the "Today" show.
In two weeks, Trump's going to have a hard time
getting booked on "Maury."
"Can you at least book me on your
'I had sex with a porn star during Shark Week' show?
I think I'd be a good guest. Maury?"
The big news that came out of the town hall
was the president refusing to disavow a conspiracy theory
he re-tweeted that Barack Obama and Joe Biden
had the members of the Osama bin Laden raid murdered
after they killed a bin Laden body double
and not the actual bin Laden,
who, according to this theory, is still alive.
Trump isn't qualified to be president,
but he should definitely have a 3:00 a.m. call-in show
on public-access television.
"Tonight's topic is 'Jurassic Park:
A real place being covered up by aliens working for the CIA?'
Can we put the number up on the screen?
We can't?
Oh, because Kevin's not here today?
Okay. I forgot.
Well, here's my first guest, Curtis Sliwa."
Also, even if that insane theory was true,
you sure that's the message you want to close out
the election with?
There might be an out-of-control pandemic
and a once-in-a-century economic crash,
but don't worry, folks,
the world's most-wanted terrorist is still alive.
Do you guys remember Joe Biden's famous line from 2012?
-Osama bin Laden is dead, and General Motors is alive.
-Well, a GM plant in Ohio
closed after Trump promised to save auto jobs.
So I guess his new slogan is,
"GM is dead, and Osama bin Laden is alive."
which, by the way, was also a rejected "Ziggy."
So, Hannity thought it was an ambush.
You might be asking, "In what way exactly was
this town hall biased against Trump?"
Well, on his radio show Monday, Sean Hannity
invited on a guest who broke
maybe the biggest story yet of the 2020 campaign.
I wish that were true, only to imagine how it went down.
"Okay, I think we're almost ready to go.
Let's just bring those stools out.
Wait. That stool is too big.
Bring out the one for only half a buttock."
It's ridiculous that a chair for Trump can be too small.
I mean, even when he has a giant chair,
he only uses 6 inches of it.
It doesn't matter how big a chair is,
he's going to sit like he's watching
the season finale of "24."
He's always lurching forward,
like someone just slammed on the brakes.
When he meets with world leaders,
he should wear a seat belt.
It's still just shocking to me the degree to which grown adults
on the right whine and moan
about not getting special treatment.
Yesterday, for example, Trump threatened to release
footage from an interview he agreed to do
with "60 Minutes" correspondent Lesley Stahl,
after angrily storming out.
-Multiple sources telling CNN now that President Trump
abruptly ended a solo interview with CBS's "60 Minutes" today.
And the president did not return to the room
for a joint interview with Vice President Mike Pence.
President Trump sat down with CBS News' Lesley Stahl
for 45 minutes before getting up and leaving
and telling CBS that he thought they had enough material.
-He also tweeted a 6-second video clip of Stahl
not wearing a mask while talking with producers
at The White House.
The president later tweeted, "I am pleased to inform you that,
for the sake of accuracy in reporting,
I am considering posting my interview
with Lesley Stahl of '60 Minutes' prior to airtime.
This will be done so that everyone
can get a glimpse of what a fake and biased interview
is all about."
-Well, it sounds like it went great.
But it was at The White House, so if the chair
didn't have full-buttock coverage, that's on you.
I'd love to see the Trump version of this interview.
I'm guessing when he releases the footage,
it will look something like this.
-People are saying you have so much money
and you are going to win.
-Oh, so, your big gotcha moment is you caught Lesley Stahl
not wearing a mask for what?
Six seconds?
This will shock you, but we have blockbuster footage
of you not wearing a mask at basically every public event
you've ever done.
Why does Trump think this argument is a winner?
Lesley Stahl wasn't wearing a mask
for 6 seconds after an interview.
Meanwhile, the day before he tested positive for COVID,
Trump was tossing hats into a packed crowd
like the Phoenix Suns Gorilla.
Hundreds of Americans are dying every day,
and the country is in the midst of its third coronavirus wave,
which is already nearing new records
and which experts predict could be the worst yet,
and amid all that, The White House
has decided to spend its time
attacking a "60 Minutes" correspondent,
even going so far as to spend time
reviewing footage of the interview,
searching for ways, I guess, to make her look bad?
-He didn't walk out.
I mean, the characterization of that --
He spent over 45 minutes with Lesley Stahl.
I've looked at every single minute
of the interview and then some.
-That's what you were spending your time on?
You're The White House chief of staff,
not an intern for TV Guide.
There's a raging, out-of-control pandemic,
and The White House chief of staff
is poring over tape of a "60 Minutes" interview
like the Jets' defensive coordinator after a blowout.
"Okay, everybody.
Do you guys see what happened here?
We forgot. We forgot to what?
We forgot -- Tackle. Forgot to tackle.
And what was -- What was he holding?
The person we forgot to tackle. Do you remember? No?
It wasn't a pointy brown egg.
Anybody? It was the football.
Okay, guys.
Love to not go through this every week."
Trump and his toadies can whine about the media all they want.
It doesn't change the basic story of the campaign.
Nearly 300,000 more Americans have died this year
than otherwise would have,
and 8 million have gone into poverty,
and it could have been prevented.
Remember that when Trump comes to your town,
tells you he doesn't want to be there, and says...
-May I please have your vote?
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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