(light festive music)
- Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.
And marriage, well,
marriage is just saying "I do" to that set of problems
for the rest of your God-given life.
- And now the couple will read their vows.
- When I first met you, it used to bug the shit out of me
that you would talk with your mouth full
and it still fucking does.
- I've accepted that you'll never be on time for anything.
Ever.
And even when I lie to you about the time,
hoping that you showing up late will mean
you're actually on time, having loved you for so long,
I know this will never happen.
- You never wash your dishes.
It's really not that hard.
You can just rinse them and put them in the dishwasher
or soak them in the sink, but you never do.
You will always let the food get hard
and stuck on the pots and pans.
- I will until the day I die.
- You may now kiss and forever live dealing with
all of that.
- So you guys may be familiar with John Gottman,
renowned researcher on the topic of relationships.
He is famous for predicting,
based on a 15 minute conversation with 94% accuracy,
if a couple is going to divorce.
Though, with divorce rates nowadays,
I don't know if that's as impressive as it used to be.
- We're kind of on the rocks.
And to be honest, we kind of just want to know,
should we call it?
- Should we get divorced?
- I see, according to the spirits,
the divorce rate in the United States varies
between 40 and 50%.
- Spirit said that?
- Yes.
They also said current divorce rates are 2.9 persons
per a thousand people.
And that we have one of the highest divorce rates
in the world.
- That's oddly scientific.
- But! Good news!
According to the 2021 data from the World Population Review,
I mean, your star sisters and star brothers,
California has one of the lowest rates of divorce
in the country at 9.3 percent.
- You got Google in there?
- No.
- It's not Google?
- I'm gonna take, I need your money and you need to go.
- So what is the one reason your relationship
will succeed or fail?
Well, Gottman says that the best relationships
have what is called positive sentiment override,
being irrationally biased towards the positive,
when it comes to your partner.
If they do something negative,
you see it as fleeting and situational,
they must be having a bad day.
But when they do something positive,
that's just reinforcement because that is who they are.
In bad relationships headed straight for the guillotine,
the opposite is true.
Negative sentiment override.
You expect the worst.
Everything they do is wrong,
and it's just a reinforcement of your existing belief.
And even the good things that they do
can be seen in a bad light.
When your partner screws up, that's who they are.
In bad relationships,
the four horsemen are also overwhelmingly present.
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
And if there's a lot of contempt, ooh boy,
call the time of death now.
- It's not that fricking hard to remember my mother's name!
- We're losing them!
Inject three cc's of a joke to diffuse the tension!
- You know what?
It would be really easy to remember your mom's name,
if her name was Bitch Face.
- It's not working!
The criticism is resisting.
- I hate you.
I can't do this anymore.
- I hate you! - Grab the defibrillator.
- We're over!
(girls grunting)
(machine beeping)
- Time of death:
two and a half years.
- It's such a shame,
although not an uncommon time for a relationship to end.
For cause of death should I just put "contempt?"
- Contempt was just a symptom.
It was ultimately negative sentiment override
that let the patient to call her partner's mother
a Bitch Face, but go ahead.
- What do you want for lunch?
- Sushi? - Ooh, yeah,
maybe that new spot?
- Not-so-fun fact:
69% of a couple's ongoing problems never get resolved
unless they're 69-ing I guess,
and that's one of the problems.
But seriously, that is the statistic.
69% of your issues in a relationship,
no resolution, fight club forever.
Since you're not gonna solve an overwhelming majority
of your issues,
Gottman says that the most important thing
is how you approach not solving the problem.
So do you bring up a talk with criticism or patience?
When your partner is open with an issue,
are you receptive to hearing it or defensive?
If you or your partner are having a bad day,
are you able to table the conversation
until you're both in a better mood?
And most importantly,
are you practicing positive sentiment override?
Now obviously the normal disclaimers apply,
in terms of--if you're in an abusive relationship,
don't use positive sentiment override
and Gottman also acknowledges that every relationship
is gonna have tons of rupture and repair.
So it's not like you actually want to avoid conflict
or refrain from speaking up,
but positive sentiment override means
that in a healthy relationship,
you give your partner the benefit of the doubt,
you deescalate conflict with love,
and you assume maybe even rationally so,
that your partner is hot hot stuff who can do no wrong.
I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons
for supporting today's video and thank you to Audible,
my mommy, for sponsoring today's episode.
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I've been listening to
"Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and
How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman.
'Cause you guys know,
I love diving into the psychology and science of
relationships and I am a ho for stats.
And I would like to be married someday,
so hopefully I can read all these books and like,
you know, make it last.
What can I say?
You can listen to "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and
How You Can Make Yours Last" and more
by going to audible.com/anna or by texting ANNA to 500 500.
Marry me.