Hi, Welcome to Full Frontal! I’m Samantha Bee and I am super excited! More than 80,000 people have signed petitions
for Jeff Bezos to go to space and never come back. It’s the first time I’ve wished
Change.org was actually LegalBindingContract.org. Well folks, after five years of the living
hell that was the 2020 election, the 2024 presidential campaign is finally getting into
gear! And sweet American Jesus, we may already have a front-runner for the Republican nomination.
- Governor Ron DeSantis in the spotlight this morning.
- A recent straw poll of conservative voters shows the governor holds a slight lead over
former president Donald Trump for the 2024 presidential race. The governor scored a 74%
approval, followed by the former president at 71%.
It’s important to note that this was just one straw poll conducted at a Christian university.
Which explains the strong third place showing for a plucky lil fetus. He’s a one issue
candidate. Surprisingly, that issue is zoning laws. Who knew? Regardless, it’s still noteworthy
that Ron DeSantis polled so strongly against the former president. In his two years as
governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis has shown a Trumpian ability to weaponize the white
resentment and culture war hysteria that drive Republican voters. But compared to Trump,
research has found that DeSantis is 35% less likely to trip over his own d*** while trying
to enact horrible policies. So it’ll be terrifying if Republicans choose him to Remake
America Greater Again Again in 2024. DeSantis rose to power riding Trump like a sucker fish
on a doofus shark. - Ron loves playing with the kids.
- Build the wall. - He reads stories.
- Then Mr. Trump said, “You’re fired.” I love that part.
- He’s teaching Madison to talk. - Make. America. Great again.
That kid’s next words were, “Mama, is there any chance you rawdogged someone else
nine months before I was born?” This spring, in a move clearly targeting the Black Lives
Matter movement, DeSantis signed into law HB 1, a piece of anti-protest legislation
the governor likes to call his “anti-riot bill.” It’s a completely unnecessary law,
especially given that most of the protests held across Florida last summer were peaceful.
That alone is impressive considering almost nothing that happens in Florida is peaceful.
The most violent fights I have ever seen were at the Tallahassee Shoney’s, and I was the
one who started them. Look, the line at the breakfast buffet was long, my nerves were
frazzled. And yes, I flung hot sausage gravy and permanently damaged a stranger’s eyes.
Instead, HB 1 may give law enforcement more freedom to arrest, makes it easier for people
who injure protesters to escape liability, and increases the sentence for pulling down
racist statues to up to 15 years in prison. DeSantis’ obsession with law and order possibly
hearkens back to his time as a JAG officer, which also explains why CBS changed the name
of that show. DeSantis was also one of the first governors to attempt removing critical
race theory from his state’s education system. And last month, he signed a restrictive voting
rights law that racially discriminates against Black and Latino voters. Of course DeSantis
is doing whatever he can to pass racist laws. He’s racist! He’s accepted money from
a rich tapestry of racists, refused to return their donations, and after President Biden
dared to talk about systemic racism, DeSantis couldn’t wait to share his own nuanced opinion.
- This proposition that we are a systemically racist country. Your reaction?
- Well, it’s a bunch of horse manure. Ron DeSantis is so racist, he refers to separating
his white laundry from his colors as segregation. Meanwhile, he chose to celebrate the first
day of Pride Month by banning transgender athletes from competing in girls’ and womens’
sports. It was the most disgusting way to kick off Pride I’ve ever witnessed, and
I still remember Doritos Rainbows. Those were real, and they were delicious. Rainbow going
in, rainbow coming out. One day later, DeSantis vetoed funding that would’ve gone toward
creating homes for unhoused LGBTQ youths, and he blocked money that would’ve paid
for counseling for survivors of the Pulse nightclub shooting.
- Brandon Wolf survived the Pulse nightclub massacre. So when he learned Governor DeSantis
vetoed $150,000 for an Orlando group helping Pulse survivors manage their mental health,
he was outraged. - Governor Ron DeSantis met me outside of
Pulse, and he looked me in the eye, and he said with real compassion in his face that
he would do everything he could to support the people who were affected by the shooting
that night. That was a lie. Governor Ron DeSantis, please look into my
eyes... and eat s***. You’re one of the worst governors in Florida history, and they
had Jeb Bush and Nosferatu. Since the beginning of the pandemic, DeSantis has consistently
prioritized keeping businesses open over protecting people. Even now, he’s still committed to
ignoring science, going so far as to ban all businesses from requiring that patrons be
vaccinated. His s****y posturing in the form of leadership has helped contribute to Florida’s
more than 2 million cases. And it introduced the slippery wet ’n’ wild variant. Try
and catch it! You can’t! It’s too slippery! Look, Ron DeSantis isn’t exactly a genius,
but even a slightly less dumb, more competent version of Trump could be very dangerous.
Whether his agenda is passed or not, DeSantis still wins by signaling his MAGA values to
a base that may be eager for a Trump 2.0, minus some of the bugs of the defective first
version. For now, DeSantis’ biggest weakness might actually be his popularity. Trump’s
fragile ego requires him to lash out at anyone who threatens his dominance, so he’s unlikely
to cede the 2024 nomination without a vicious fight. Perhaps our best hope is that the two
split the vote and take each other out, leaving Democrats to run against the Republicans’
next strongest contenders. I dunno, man. Amy Grant seems nice.