( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, JON?
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: HOUSE HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?
>> Jon: GREAT!
JUST CHILLIN'.
HOUSE OF YOURS?
>> Stephen: BUELL.
YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT'S WEEKEND
TWEET-STORM FELT LIKE WHIPLASH BECAUSE, AGAIN, FOUR DAYS
BEFORE, TRUMP GAVE A SPEECH TO CONGRESS PEOPLE CALLED
"PRESIDENTIAL" BECAUSE, LIKE A PRESIDENT, HE SPOKE IN COMPLETE
SENTENCES AND DID NOT ATTACK ALEC BALDWIN.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT IT
WAS THE START OF A NEW ERA FOR TRUMP.
>> I FEEL LIKE, TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP BECAME THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
>> STEPHEN: YES, THAT NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP BECAME PRESIDENT.
THEN, FOUR DAYS LATER, THE PRESIDENT BECAME DONALD TRUMP
AGAIN.
SO IT WAS A FULL MOON OR SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHY DID HE GO FROM
STATESMANLIKE ORATOR TO CAPTAIN TWITTER-BANANAS?
A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY IT WAS TO DISTRACT FROM RECENT BAD PRESS.
HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME.
HE'S LIKE A MAGICIAN, MISDIRECTING YOUR ATTENTION WITH
SLIGHT OF HAND.
AND WE KNOW TRUMP HAS THE SLIGHTEST OF HANDS.
IT'S TRUE!
BUT THE TRICK IS, YES, IT'S A DISTRACTION, BUT WHAT IS THE
PRESIDENT TRYING TO DISTRACT US FROM THIS TIME?
TO FIND OUT, WE TURN TO THE LATE SHOW FIGURE-IT-OUT-A-TRON.
BRING 'ER OUT, BOYS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
OH, THE PEOPLE CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THE FIGURE-IT-OUT-A-THON.
THAT IS CLEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) DOWN HERE WE HAVE DONALD TRUMP,
THE MAN CREATING THE DISTRACTION.
UP HERE, VLADIMIR PUTIN, THE MAN HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE CONNECTED
TO.
HERE, WE'VE GOT A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST
YEAR.
SO LET'S SEE HOW MANY OF THESE CONNECT TRUMP TO PUTIN.
PUTIN WILL BE SYMBOLIZED WITH A P.
FIRST UP, FORMER CAMPAIGN MANAGER PAUL MANAFORT, WHO HAD
TO STEP DOWN WHEN IT CAME OUT HE WAS PAID $12 MILLION BY THE
PRO-RUSSIAN PUPPET GOVERNMENT OF UKRAINE -- OR, AS TRUMP WOULD
CALL IT, "NEGOTIATING A GREAT, GREAT DEAL FOR THE PEOPLE OF
UKRAINIA."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
THAT'S A CLEAR P.
OKAY?
LET'S SEE, NEXT UP, THE FACT MICHAEL FLYNN MET WITH THE
RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR.
THAT GETS A P!
JEFF SESSIONS DID TOO, THAT'S A P!
PLUS, ALL OF THE MAJOR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES
AGREE THAT RUSSIA TRIED TO INFLUENCE THE ELECTION FOR
TRUMP.
FBI, CIA, NSA - P, P, P!
THERE'S JUST SO MUCH P- WHICH STANDS FOR PUTIN!
AND THESE PUTIN P'S ARE ALL RAINING DOWN DIRECTLY ON DONALD
TRUMP.
EVERYWHERE!
AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE WIKILEAKS AND THE ADMINISTRATION
LEAKS-- THE LEAKS ARE ALL OVER TRUMP!
ALL THESE P HAVES ARE COMING DOWN ON PUTIN HERE.
ALL COMING DOWN ON TRUMP.
SO MUCH P, SO MANY Ps!
HE IS DROWNING IN P!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHICH, AGAIN, STANDS FOR "PUTIN."
THERE IS THE ANSWER, FOLKS.
JUST DRINK IT IN.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD BETTER WATCH
OUT, OR THIS COULD REALLY LEAVE A STAIN ON HIS LEGACY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )