- Energetically, the more someone chases someone else,
the more the energy pushes them away.
Now, when you make the changes
that I'm gonna share with you in this video,
everything changes.
You stop repelling that which you want.
You allow the energy to come to you.
And I'm gonna show you exactly how to do that.
Now, the first thing to realize
when it comes to this process of attraction
is when you are attracting someone else,
have you ever noticed this?
The more unattached you are, the more attractive that is.
The more someone else is unattached,
the more attractive they are to you.
And think about it.
The more someone wants you to like them,
the more someone wants your approval,
wants anything from you,
the least likely you are to actually give it.
Isn't that interesting?
It's interesting because what ends up happening
is something that I learned from Alan Watts.
It's called the backwards law.
That is the more you try is the more you resist,
the more you block.
The more you try to get people to like you,
the more the energy is actually messed up
and the less likely they are to actually like you.
The more you try to control something in your life,
the more out of control you feel,
because the more things have to be a certain way
and the more that then it emphasizes that feeling
of not being in control.
Now, when it comes to at attracting love,
one of the most attractive things you can do
is actually be not attached.
Now, what does that mean to be not attached?
Now, to be not attached doesn't mean you're not engaged.
And you're like, "I wanna be engaged."
Well, not that engaged, okay?
It means you're not engaged.
It doesn't mean that you're not engaged
into the present moment.
Because the thing when it comes to this whole dynamic
is anything we make more important,
anything we put on a pedestal,
we immediately separate ourselves from it.
And I'll tell you from experience.
People can feel when you put them on a pedestal.
I know that just because of what I do for a living,
being on YouTube and stuff like that.
If I meet somebody
and what happens is it's like there's an energy there
where they want something.
They want my attention.
They want me to do something.
They want me to like listen to something.
It's just an energy that is felt.
And whereas when people talk to me just a regular person,
it's so much easier for me to engage with people,
but not that way of engaging. (giggles)
So the dynamic here, and there's a saying of this,
and I've noticed this about other people in my own life
'cause I've done the same exact thing
where I put someone on a pedestal, create resistance,
and then it depolarizes the dynamic.
Because remember this:
If you treat someone like a celebrity,
they will treat you like a fan.
So energetically, the key to this
is to not to put people on a pedestal.
It's not to put people and to think,
"Oh my God, it'd be so amazing
if they gave me this validation.
They responded to my text or whatever."
When it comes to sexual polarity,
if somebody put someone else's,
"Oh my God, this person is amazing.
I'm gonna put them all the way up here.
If they were to respond and we were to go on this date
and it was amazing, it would be great."
We're making someone else the authority.
Think about that.
And it doesn't feel good to be that authority.
Some people like it, I will say that.
There are people out there,
maybe even that like have online presences or whatever.
And they may get off on other people looking up to them
and go, "You're so amazing.
You are so phenomenal."
And they may like that,
but it depolarizes the relationship.
And I found that, if anything, it's something
that I'd rather just be
on the same playing field with other people.
Because a lot of times it's also an inauthentic neediness.
I need something from you.
And it's like codependency in a way.
Now, when it comes to sexual polarity though
and sexual dynamics,
so important to understand that what you wanna do,
this is also like a lot of times putting someone else
and wanting something from them
and even putting everything into the future.
"Ooh, it'd be amazing when I get their love
because then we'd be on the same field.
I can then feel worthy."
And what it really is
is it's looking to feel validated on the outside.
It's looking for the outside to validate the inside.
But remember, the way reality works is it's a mirror.
It is mirroring back to us that which we believe to be true.
It is mirroring back to us our own expression.
And if we feel and say, "I'm not enough.
I'm not good enough.
I'm a fan of this person, energetically,"
then reality's gonna reflect that back.
But if we instead change our beliefs about ourself
by letting go of the old belief, by the way,
that says we're not worthy by becoming aware of it
and making the choice to let it go,
it'll then allow us to be more bold in our reality.
And it changes the dynamic tenfold.
So when it comes to dynamics of energy,
realize that to make someone else desire you,
it's more about being in your own frame,
being in your own frame and not needing their validation.
Because the more you don't need their validation,
the more they will naturally wanna give it to you.
This is a game of filling up your own cup
and being in your own frame.
To be in your frame, really, it just means to be
in your own body.
It means to be present.
This game of attraction, by the way,
is all about being present in the moment,
feeling safe in your own body,
and then choosing to be engaged with reality.
Not engaged with what could be.
Not engaged with what there was in the past.
Not that type of engage anyways,
but simply present.
Because when we want something from someone else,
that immediately takes us out of the present moment.
Imagine going on a date with someone and you're like,
"Okay, I'm gonna go on a date with this person
and I hope that everything goes well.
I hope that I get a call back at the end of it.
I hope that everything is like up to par."
It's immediately then being projected to the future.
The person is less there.
But why is it when you see people that are just having fun,
they're in their own element,
and they're enjoying their life, that's attractive?
Because they're present.
They're in the moment.
They're enjoying their life.
Anything that we then put an attachment to,
we have an attachment to outcome,
we then are creating resistance and it's not attractive.
So the key is letting go of that attachment to outcome
by being present to the moment
and understanding that you're not trying to get them
to desire you
because then you're gonna have feel validated.
You're not even trying to get them to desire you.
Because remember, the more you try, the more you resist.
Instead, this is about being centered in your own frame,
having fun,
and also this one thing will change everything as well:
be vulnerable.
Vulnerable.
What does vulnerability mean?
Vulnerability literally means the ability
to go into the wound.
Vulner meets wound.
And if you're able to show your own sense
of your own wounding,
which doesn't mean you're crying
and telling them about all your problems.
What it means though
is let's say most of us may have an abandonment wound,
especially if you clicked on this video.
The abandonment wound is that maybe your mommy or dad
was physically or emotionally abandoned you
when you were kids,
when we were kids.
And what happened is we then made a meaning.
We then made something that says,
"There's something wrong with me.
Mom checked out. Dad checked out.
They left."
Whatever the dynamic was.
So then what happens is we say,
"Okay, so I don't ever get rejected again.
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna make everyone else happy.
I'm gonna tune to my environment for safety
instead of being safe through my own body."
So then what we end up doing
is searching for it on the outside.
And of course, then, if it's searching for the outside,
we're not gonna actually feel it.
So one of the most powerful things to do
is to start to literally bring your energy back
and then make the choice to have the courage
to put yourself out there.
Because another thing we do is we say,
"It's not safe for me to show my true emotions to somebody."
I remember when I was 13 years old, 12 years old,
I went out on this thing
for the Park Recs and communications thing,
and community thing.
And I was a part of this school dance thing
or like summer camp dance thing.
And I asked this one 18-year-old girl
to dance with me and I was 12 and she said no.
And I then like thought I wasn't worthy.
I was then afraid of ever asking someone out again
because I didn't wanna get rejected.
But eventually, what I had to do
is I had to look at that situation and reframe it,
heal it from it,
and then realize that all because some girl
that was like six years older than me said no to dance
doesn't mean that I'm not worthy.
If anything, who has the balls to do that?
That's what I said to myself.
Who has the balls to like, as a 12-year-old,
to ask an 18-year-old out?
So I started to reframe and realize,
"Wait, I'm really courageous.
I have a lot of like confidence to do something like that."
So you can reframe these things that happen.
But the challenge is that what's happened
is many of us have abandoned ourselves
because of something that we were abandoned as kids,
physically or emotionally.
So then we started abandoning ourselves
to make everyone else happy.
And that depolarizes dynamics.
That's when people are then looking
for someone else to desire them.
And that's when the chasing starts happening
because we're literally trying to chase not being rejected.
We're chasing not having the abandonment wound poked.
And the key to all transformation with this process
is to actually stop abandoning the self,
feeling safe in our own bodies,
and understanding the more that we are leading,
the more that we are vulnerable
and we're able to share with somebody,
"Hey, I like you. I wanna date you."
The more we're able to share with somebody,
"Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna hang out and do this thing I don't wanna do."
It takes vulnerability to set boundaries.
But the more vulnerable you become,
the more you will feel that sense of self-power.
Because remember, people that are doing cool shit
in the world,
they tend to have boundaries.
They have to.
Like when I'm doing what I do,
I just got done running a three-day live event.
And sometimes it'll be a common thing
where some people will be like, "Hey, let's hang out."
And it's like, well, if I hung out with everybody,
if I had all these plans and stuff,
I'd never have time to make videos.
I'd never have time to run live events
because I'd just be saying yes to everybody.
But literally my boundaries all are a way of protecting me
being in my own self, me not abandoning myself.
So realize that boundaries make you attractive.
But even when I say attractive,
sometimes it's like making them desire you,
making them chase you.
It seems to me like a form of manipulation.
And instead of trying to get people to do anything,
the key is being in our own sense of frame,
being in our own sense of gravity,
being in feeling safe inside our own bodies.
And as we do that, it changes absolutely everything.
So one thing that I really recommend you do
if you haven't done it already
is a 21-day magnetic love challenge
for healing codependent patterns,
feeling safe inside your own frame,
healing anxious or avoidant attachment style
so you can actually attract emotionally available people.
If you wanna attract emotionally available people
and heal all of that, go to aarondoughty.com/love,
aarondoughty.com/love
or click the link of the top of the description box below.
And realize the more you do that,
the more that you embody your true sense of self.
And that sense of self-love,
that is what's gonna attract love to you more than anything.
And the more you accept yourself as well,
even your own insecurities,
the more you reframe your insecurities,
because remember,
what you feel is what people feel off of you.
And when you you tap into
and you more vulnerably express who you are,
you will then attract people that really love the real you.
So if you've also ever wondered why when you stop,
it's almost like when you stop giving a shit or stop caring,
it then completely transformed the energy dynamic
and makes it so much easier to attract love.
Watch this video right here.
It will help change everything for you
and the dynamic altogether.
And when it comes to attracting love,
this is a very important part to understand
because many people may have a certain level
of codependency tendencies.
They may feel very needy when they start to date
or they may feel even very needy in just the dating.