- So a lot of people are busy shopping
for their kids this time of year.
I don't have kids.
That's why I don't have jam in my hair.
But I like to remind people why I don't have kids,
in a segment that I call, "Why I Don't Have Kids."
[audience laughter]
[Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" plays]
All right, this one right here is from an Instagram account
called "Moms Who Need Wine."
[audience laughter]
He looks a little flushed.
[audience laughter]
Maybe they don't have a bathtub. Maybe he's just--
[audience laughter]
This one is from Maria, uh... Pedregon, I think,
in Phoenix, Arizona.
[audience laughter]
Well, you keep 'em organized that way, I guess.
[audience laughter]
"Hold on, honey. Let me take a picture
while your brother runs out of air."
[audience laughter]
This next one is from my writer, Gil.
His daughter got into his shaving cream.
[audience laughter]
Yep. We also got a letter from Gil's wife,
saying that she'll never leave the kids alone
with her husband again.
[audience laughter]
And this last one is a video from Ruthann Farrell
posted on Ellentube.
- Addison, did you get into my mascara?
- No. [audience laughter]
I didn't. I just put it back.
- You just put it back? - Uh huh.
I put it back.
[audience laughter]
Just putting it back.
All right, well, I'm gonna send you some Cover Girl mascara
to replace that, and some wet wipes.
And that is why I don't have kids,
but please keep sending me pictures to remind me why.