I was talking in a recent interview by Michelle on the Man Panel about the real reasons that
men leave and stop chasing after sex and how it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.
This is still a controversial idea that a lot of women disagree with me on or struggle
to absorb, and I even have clients that disagree with me on this. Today, I want to tell you
one of those clients' stories, a client who was adamant that men weren't chasing her after
sex because of the timing of sex and she had a long history to prove it. You're going to
love this. It's really interesting. Download the free guide. That's my first chapter of
my book is available from the description below. Hit the subscribe button with the little
bell so that you get notifications and I'll see you on the other side of this.
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Men don't ghost because you slept with them too soon. This is one of the most controversial
ideas I talk about on this channel and it is one I absolutely am 100% certain and I've
got a couple of other videos on this, so if you want to know more about it, check those
out in the description below. Essentially, men leave because the nonphysical attraction
just isn't there. Either it wasn't there to begin with and he just wanted physical attraction,
i.e. sex. or the nonphysical attraction was strangled because the dynamic changed after
sex. A common cause of this is clinginess because of the dopamine and oxytocin levels
that can be increased by sex. Still, there's some clients that disagree with me and one
of them was a 34 year old client of mine who I'd been working with for a little while.
She said, Mark, I know men are leaving because I was sleeping with them too soon.
I love your coaching. I'm your client for a reason. You're just wrong on this one. I
said, okay, we agree to disagree. The interesting thing was she had a long history to prove
me wrong. She had three or four even more guys that had left right at the point of sex,
right after the point of sex and these guys up until then had been investing. They'd been
calling her. They'd been taking her out on dates. They'd been wanting to get to know
her. It definitely was implied that they had that non-physical attraction, so I had to
figure out what was going on here. I looked at the two reasons that I was using to explain
her situation. Firstly, I thought, well was the nonphysical attraction there to begin
with? My clients and attractive young woman, perhaps men were being nice because she hadn't
built a life enough and they were just wanting sex.
You know, I had to look at this though, and she was working on her life. She was doing
things she loved. She was a passionate woman to be around. She had a great energy. She
wasn't perfect. There was definitely work that needed to be done on her social life
that wasn't happening and a couple of things to improve. However, I could not believe,
I could not believe that these men who were putting in obvious effort who were giving
signals that they wanted more than just sex with her were really after just sex. Possibly
one or two of them, I just couldn't believe it was all of them. So I ruled that one right
out, which brought me to the second theory, was she strangling the connection after sex
by being clingy with a dopamine and oxytocin levels increasing, and she was suddenly going
from qualifying the guy to completely figuring out how do I win him. Changing those mindsets
again, that video is in the description to how do I get this guy? And she was just strangling
it by essentially being so sold on the guy after sex.
.I had a look at the situations and I didn't think so this client was having sex on average,
the second, third date, so nothing extraordinary. She was generally a more avoidant leading
client, leaning client. In fact, I had actually discouraged this client from playing hard
to get on numerous occasions, and if anything, after sex, she seemed to qualify the guys
more even pulled back a little bit and just let the guys come to her. She kept saying,
Oh, is this guy right for me? So I did not believe that she was being clingy or desperate
after sex, and that was killing the nonphysical attraction. I had a problem, my two big theories
about why men stop chasing after sex both had massive holes in them with this client.
It may have explained one or two of these guys, but I couldn't bother to explain all
four.
What the hell was going on? Why would guys stop in chasing this client right after sex?
Something I must be missing had to be happening. So I dove deeper and I said to my client,
tell me about the sexual experiences. What is actually, run me through one of these nights.
She said, okay, well the first guy, you know, it was the third date. We'd had a great night
together. I went back to his, I felt comfortable. I felt it was time. Uh, you know, it went
great. We slept together. The sex was really good. I always get really jokey after sex.
So I was kind of giving him sass and be on all jokey and then I left. Uh, yeah. I went
home.
I said, you went home? Why don't you go home? I said, ah, you know, I just, just wanted
to get out of there. I thought it felt I'd been a long enough. I said, okay, tell me
about the second guy. And she said, yeah, similar sort of story with the second guy.
We're on a second date this time we slept together. I gave him a really nice massage
after sex and then went home. I was like, okay, you gave him a massage after, why did
you give him a massage after sex? And in my head, I'm thinking maybe she felt like she
owed the guy, maybe she was putting him up on a pedestal for the sex, having to thank
him. And she said no. It wasn't that. It was really just that I'm not really super comfortable
with the quietness after sex. So I thought I could kind of, you know, give him a massage
before I leave. And that way we're doing something. I was starting to see a pattern here. I said,
what about the next guy? She said again, third date things went well. Went back to his place
and I said, what happened after? And she said, yeah, this time I just, I just got out of
there straight after I said straight after sex. What, how soon after, how soon after
sex were you leaving from all these guys? And she said, Oh, in most cases it's within
an hour. This guy, it was almost straight away.
Oh wait, wait a minute. Why did you leave straight away? She said, Oh, you know, I just
didn't want to intrude. You know, I'm not super comfortable with the post sex talk.
Um, to kinda, you know, I didn't want the whole snuggling thing and him thinking I was
clinging or needy.
I had my answer. This was an unusual situation. What in fact was happening as we delve deeper
was I found that this client had a fear of intimacy and a deep fear of vulnerability
that only surface right after sex. This client was doing everything wrong at the Gaza investing.
They were nonphysically attracted, and then she was basically painting herself as a booty
call. There was no vulnerability after sex. These guys who really wanted to connect with
her were either getting fobbed off with jokes. There was either a weird massage that's totally
out of context with the, with where they were at. All the, the client would just leave because
she didn't want to intrude, which on a deeper level said that, Hey, I'm not sure you want
me to be here. I'm not sure I deserve to be here. That message was getting communicated
to these guys that really liked her and then the guys would stop chasing.
In short, her fear of vulnerability, her fear of putting herself out there meant that she
was sabotaging these connections right after sex. She was putting up walls and the men
who were into her were going, all right, I guess we're putting up walls too. Vulnerability
always matches vulnerability. What this client really wanted was to be snuggled and held
and and form that deeper connection post sex, but she never even stayed there for more than
an hour. She came to me thinking that men were leaving because she was sleeping with
them too soon, when in reality, the problem was much more complex and much deeper. I don't
share this with you because it necessarily applies to you. I shared this with you to
show you the complexities of the situation, to show you that for a lot of women who say
men are leaving because I slept with them too soon, it's actually far more going on
under the surface.
This client was adamant that I was wrong. She was adamant that it was the timing of
sex that was killing these guys attraction, when in fact it was something completely different
to that. Men don't ghost because you sleep with them too soon.
Men ghost because the nonphysical attraction either wasn't there to begin with or because something killed it.
It could be clinginess after sex or in this case, it could actually be putting walls up and acting
like a booty call who doesn't want to connect after sex. Really interesting concept and
an interesting client story. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. Let me know. Comments,
questions, et cetera. Put them all in the space below and give the video a thumbs up
while you hit that subscribe button and the little bell so you get the notifications.
Don't forget to download the first chapter of my book as well. It's now available in
the description below, and I'll see you in the next video very soon.
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