I think also,
and I have to say this specific
to the men right now.
We have to be mindful
of non-sexual intimacy, okay.
So...
(Applause)
(Music)
If you would speak to intimacy with
ongoing relationships...
Okay... Sexual,
not just sexual, but I mean
general sense of feeling intimate
relationally, emotionally, spiritually
with someone you are with for very long
without making it feel like
you're making it a science say you're like,
oh, all right honey, we're on step seven
for our intimacy. Like, I don't want to make it
feel scientific and weird.
Like, do you have steps that,
maybe speaking to the males in the audience
who want to feel a bit more vulnerable
and feel more intimate with
a long-term partner
without making it feel like you're
doing it in a mechanical way?
Okay, so, understand that
initially when we're trying to
correct the intimacy in our relationships
there may be a period where it is mechanical.
That there has to be a level of structure
and okay, we're going to kind of get into a
routine so that we can get used to it,
but think of it like practicing a jump shot.
Initially you're all about mechanics
after a while you're flowing with it.
You become one with the ball so to speak.
You have to become one with your partner,
you have to become so in tune with her
that it's just natural,
it just flows, it just hits you.
So, I think that,
that's the first thing.
Don't get caught up in it being mechanical
because that's necessary initially,
but you'll get to that part
where it's very natural.
I think also, and I have to say this specific
to the men right now.
We have to be mindful of
non-sexual intimacy, okay.
So...
(Applause)
And again, we,
we can lose sight of that,
but the reality is that
you never want your wife,
your partner to feel like
the only time you want to touch her
is when you want sex.
Because now she feels like she's just
a piece of meat to you,
an interchangeable sex piece, okay.
So, for the men in the room what does
non-sexual intimacy look like?
Non-sexual intimacy, well, first, let me give this
quick story. I just have to give this story.
So, I had a couple once that I was counseling
and the wife was like
he never spends time with me,
he doesn't talk to me.
I just want him to watch TV with me.
And I said okay, I'm going to talk to your husband
and then we're going to get this straightened out.
So, I tell him like listen,
she says she wants you to talk to her,
watch TV with her and so on and so forth.
He said okay, cool, I got this
I'll, I'll let you know what happens.
A week later,
I said what happened?
He said, I watched TV with her
and she's still not happy.
And so, I asked her I said, well, what happened?
She said yeah, he watched TV with me,
but he was on this side of the couch
and I was on that side of the couch.
So, what I want
both sides to gain from that is one,
as men non-sexual intimacy,
being affectionate, talking,
spending time with her,
whether that's to watch her show,
favorite show with her,
whether that's holding her hand.
And of course that depends
on your specific partner,
what's important to her.
So, figure out what she needs from you,
but on the other side,
women, be more specific
with your partner
because...
(Applause)
All right.
That man heard
watch TV with you.
He watched some damn TV
like, he was like what's going on here?
I did my part.
You can't just say to a man
spend more time
with me I want to hear from,
no, what does that look like?
What, what exactly would you like to see
implemented more?
And there's nothing wrong
with giving your partner
those directions.
The man who loves you will do it
if he just knew what it was.
Why do women not want to communicate
what they really want?
Because they feel like it takes away,
because here's the thing, women
know how to read us.
Women are very in tune with us.
We don't have to speak a word
and she's analyzing the whole mood,
the body language, all right.
She might be coming up with all kinds of different stories,
but she's figuring
something out by looking at us.
We are very, no, we're,
we're one plus one equals two.
We're very logical. We're just
needed to be straightforward.
So, another quick story,
there was a couple,
they were having issues,
they were married for 12 years.
And this time, they were a friend of mine
so, I didn't have time to counsel them myself,
but I sent them to a different counselor.
They go to the counselor and the counselor
had them do an exercise where
he tells the husband
say to your wife how you feel right now.
He says how he feels.
He tells the wife
repeat verbatim
what he just told you.
They spent the next hour
without her being able to say verbatim
what he said to her.
Because in the woman's mind she's
interpreting the words
well, this must mean this
or no, like,
you really meant this.
No, I meant exactly what I said, but
(Laughs)
the, you know,
this is part of the disconnect between men and women,
but I think on both sides as men
we have to be willing to be more in tune
and yes, we do have to read our partner.
If our partner says,
there's nothing wrong with me right now,
but you know her mood is telling you
there's something wrong
then say to her, you know what baby, I understand
when you're ready to talk about this
I'm here for you.
That's all she needs.
The acknowledgment that you recognize
that she's in a bad place right now.
You don't have to hound her,
you don't have to keep pounding her over the head with it.
Just let her know you're here for her,
but on the other side, yes, as women
be more expressive,
be more specific.
This will help close the communication gap
between men and women when we start to understand
that yes, we talk differently a lot of times
and that's the reason why
we have a lot of these disconnects,
but to get back to the
intimacy real quick.
The other thing that I want to mention is again,
so, non-sexual intimacy
we have to nurture that.
And we have to spend quality time with our partner
outside of the bedroom
because the connection outside the bedroom
can dictate the connection inside the bedroom.
And when the woman feels
more valued and safe in the relationship,
she is willing to open up more
in the bedroom for you. So, a lot of times
men are trying to get that woman to do what
he wants but it's like you're missing the mark
because outside the relationship she
doesn't feel like you have her
best interests at heart.
She doesn't feel safe, she doesn't
feel like you're there for her, there's other issues
that need to be addressed first,
but I also think again,
communicating, being honest.
We have to create environments in our relationships
where we can constructively
criticize each other, all right.
We have this problem with being
bru... Not brutally honest, but just being
honest with our partners
about what we need,
what we like, what we don't like
without being offended by it.
How do we communicate without being hurt
or being hurt by the other person communicating?
So, again, not to sound like a broken record
healing is the first step because a lot of times
our,
our, our inability to handle constructive criticism
stems from things in our childhood
and, and how we've been talked to before in
our past relationships.
So, now we're triggered
by the criticism.
And again, we take it as a negative thing
not understanding this is an opportunity to
grow with my partner.
Criticism is good
if I know what you don't like
I can make it better,
but if I don't, then how can we improve anything?
So, it's really going to take practice
and that's the reason why I'm so adamant
about the relationship checkups
because that's an opportunity
to essentially constructively criticize each other.
(Music)