Hi, and in this video I'm going to share what to do if he breaks up with you so
that you can move past the pain of that experience
and move closer to the love you're worthy of.
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Hi, there, Matt Shaffer, your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you
in creating the fun, fulfilling, dynamic relationships and connections with men
that you are so worthy of.
I'm really excited about this topic.
I want to share with you some simple mindset shifts
that are going to help you move past a painful breakup
and help you get even closer
to the kind of love that you really want to experience in your life.
I do this with my clients all the time, and I'm really excited to dig into it,
but before we do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that's going to make a huge difference
in your relationships and dates with men.
Let's start off by addressing the reality that breakups can be devastating.
They can be emotionally traumatic and it can really feel like the end of the world
when someone breaks your heart,
especially if you had a deep connection with that person
and they're the ones that ended the relationship
or it ended unexpectedly.
The first fundamental truth that all of us get to embrace
is that love and relationship is a journey that we will never know the destination of
because what does a relationship entail?
Any connection with another person, involves?
You guessed it, another person.
Can we control another person?
Really, no, we can't.
We fundamentally do not have control over a relationship
because it involves variables that aren't us.
That's really actually liberating if you think about it
because it means that it is not our job to try to make a relationship last forever.
Our job and our responsibility is to do our best within the relational container
and show up as the best version of ourselves to the person that we're getting to know.
So much of the pain and frustration that we have in relationship
is because we get attached to an outcome
or we look at every relationship as if it's supposed to be the end of the road
and it's supposed to go on forever,
which for most relationships, simply isn't true.
The way relationships go and the trajectory of relationships
can be really unexpected.
Sometimes a drunken rendezvous
can end up being a lifelong
until-death-do-us-part relationship and connection,
and sometimes a marriage of 10, 20, 30 or more years
can end in the blink of an eye if one partner just shifts.
I invite you to release the attachment and outcome dependence
that is causing so much of the pain that you may be feeling now.
It's because you want things to be different than they are
or you wanted this relationship to go a different way than it did,
but the truth is, it unfolded perfectly for you,
and the fact that it ended is most definitely happening for you,
which brings me to the second mindset shift that I want you to adopt.
Instead of looking at every relationship that you have
as the entire journey and then being heartbroken
when it doesn't turn out to be the end of the road,
I invite you to look at every completed relationship that you have with someone
as a step on the journey towards the love that you're worthy of.
The truth is that every partner that you have isn't supposed to be the one.
Often, dating in relationship is an incremental process
where we move closer with every relationship that we have,
no matter how it unfolds or how it ends,
towards our dream partner and our dream relationship,
and we can grow and expand from each step on that path.
Often people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Dating is more of a process of incremental progress
towards your ideal partner and your ideal relationship,
and you're going to learn and grow from every step along the way
and every connection that you foster.
The key to every connection relationship serving as a step closer
to the love that we're worthy of is to be open to the lessons and growth
that each experience is here to teach us.
I've got four powerful questions that you can ask yourself
at the end of every relationship
to really ground yourself in what that connection was here to teach you.
The first is, what traits in your partner did you love
and that you want in your future mate, in your ideal spouse?
This could be his sense of humor
or maybe his ability to make decisions quick on his feet.
It can be any one of a number of things, any traits about him
that you really enjoyed or you really were drawn to
that you want in that end of the road partner.
Just be sure to take note of them and make a little inventory of that,
especially if the traits are unexpected.
If they're ones that you didn't know that you liked prior to meeting this guy
because oftentimes, we have a good idea of some of the traits
that we know we enjoy in people that we date.
That's why we have a type often,
but sometimes, people come along and they teach us,
they show us things that we are drawn to and that were attracted to
that we didn't even know,
and those are the ones especially that you want to make note of
when you're on the tail end or coming out of a relationship.
For example, maybe he was really sarcastic,
and up until that relationship, anytime a guy was sarcastic,
it was annoying to you and it wasn't something that you liked,
but when he did it, you thought it was funny and charming and engaging
and it really kept you excited and on your toes.
Now finding a man who has that type of sarcastic way of engaging with you
is something that you're going to want in your ideal partner.
That's a new thing that you get to add,
a new color that you get to use to paint the masterpiece of your ideal partner.
The second question is,
what traits about your partner did you not enjoy or not like at all?
It's just as important if not more so to identify the traits that you don't like
so that you can put those in the avoid pile moving forward and dating in relationship.
Maybe he was a guy who was always late and had really poor time management
and it drove you nuts the entire time that you were dating but you looked past it.
That's something that you most definitely want to take note of,
that way when you're going out and meeting more people and connecting with them,
if they're chronically late,
that's going to be a huge red flag for you
and you'll be able to pull away from those guys
before you get emotionally invested in them.
Often, when we get emotionally invested in somebody
and we look past some red flags,
we end up stuck in relationships that trigger us and drive us nuts.
This will really help you weed out people that are not good for you
before you get in too deep with them.
These last two questions are even more important.
The first one is, what feelings and experiences did you have
in relationship with this man that you absolutely loved?
Was it the sense of fun and adventure?
Was it the spontaneity?
Was it how he made you feel safe?
What was it about the relationship, the experience,
the feeling of being with him that you really loved or were drawn to?
Because the feelings and experiences of being in relationship with him
are going to be much more important in your vision for a relationship
than the specific traits of the person himself.
Does that make sense?
I really want you to take some time and journal into
whatever feelings and experiences you shared in that relationship
that were great that you would like to have in your ideal partnership.
This is the true treasure that emerges on the end of a breakup
and this is where you can use that breakup to serve you
moving forward in your relationships with men
and bring you a lot closer to the love that you're craving.
The last question, you guessed it,
is what feelings and experiences did you have in this relationship
that you do not want in your next relationship
and in your dream relationship?
You want to know the contrast,
that way, when you're feeling those feelings,
when you're getting to know somebody, ding, ding, the alarm will go off
and you'll be able to shift or pull away from that person.
For example, maybe he was highly critical of you,
and because of that, you often felt you weren't enough
when you were around him, you were incomplete,
or that you had to do something extra to earn the right to be loved by him
and that ended up being a big reason that y'all broke up.
That's something you can be deeply conscious of moving forward,
so you can filter out men
that aren't aligned with how you want to feel in your relationships.
Once you've answered these four questions for yourself,
you're going to have a much better understanding
of the kind of relationship you want and the kind of relationship you don't want,
and that's all because of this relationship that just ended.
That is how we take a relationship that ended,
getting dumped by somebody, having it end unexpectedly,
no matter how it wound down,
it can be a step towards the love that you're worthy of.
The fact that it's over meant that that was the way it was supposed to end.
We get to embrace our heartbreak, we get to learn from our relationships,
and we get to use them as platforms to keep moving towards--
use each one of them as a step towards the sort of relationship
that at the end of the day, we know we're worthy of.
You know you're worthy of a deep meaningful, lasting, profound love.
At the end of the day, if this person had been meant to be that person,
they would still be in your life.
Please, I invite you to release any beat up that you may be having
towards the relationship that ended
and step into the fact that this person left your life
so that your ideal partner or the next step on your journey could come in.
When a relationship comes to an end,
I want you to embrace these simple mindset shifts.
The first being that love and relationship is a journey
that you can't know the destination of
and that you fundamentally don't have control over,
so release that outcome dependence
and recognize that as you're able to let go of that attachment
to how it was supposed to look,
you'll be able to step into an acceptance
that this is exactly what was supposed to happen,
and now I'm ready to learn from it.
Secondly, look at every completed relationship that you have had
as a step on the road towards the love that you're worthy of
and do that by asking four simple questions.
The first being, what traits about that person that you were in a relationship with
did you like, did you enjoy, did you appreciate
that you want to have in your ideal partner?
Second one, of course, is what traits in that person do you not want
moving forward in relationships so you can weed them out early.
The third question is, what feelings and experiences from that relationship
do you want to have moving forward:
The fun, the excitement, the adventure,
how it made you feel to be in a relationship with him?
Lastly, what feelings and experiences do you not want
in your ideal relationship that you didn't enjoy?
It's a really good exercise to do this,
not only for the relationship that may have just ended
but for a lot of your past relationships.
You can learn so much about your dream partner
just by looking back at all your breakups,
looking back at all your past relationships.
Take these two mindset shifts and take this process out into the world
and use it to help craft this dream relationship
that you're truly worthy of
so you can begin calling that partner into your life.
Before you go, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that's really going to help you in your love life.
Thanks so much for stopping by and I'll see you in my next video.
Bye-bye.