- I had a dream
where you had the aroma of a warm tangerine.
Am I close?
(crickets chirping)
In the dream I picked you up at the airport in Miami
and we hit the road to assess the damage
at a mobile home park flattened by a tornado.
I'm telling you now, the stuff we'll see every day
will be pretty rough, Rita.
People's homes flooded, old ladies with bruised ribs
from tripping over their own doorways.
(television murmuring)
But when you're finally here it'll all be bearable.
And I'll do whatever it takes to finally get you here.
(plastic crinkling)
Unfortunately, our old neighbors, Bill and Helen,
or Bill and Hell as I sometimes call them, ha ha,
had seemed disinterested when I asked
if they'd lend the money I need to get your dowry,
not to mention you, through customs
to my post office box in south Florida.
They told me they were in the middle of watching Jeopardy.
Have you seen Jeopardy?
It's very good.
And they'd need to call me back.
As of right now they have not.
(curtain wire scraping)
Hey Rita, funniest thing,
my daughter sent me an email after I talked to her
the other day, well, after she hung up on me that is.
The subject line was a link to an article
about dating scammers
with a list of reasons as to why you are not real
and will not be regarded as such.
(chuckling softly)
Would you listen to the mouth on that one?
I have to be honest though, I only skimmed the thing
because when is the last time a person was able
to persuade another person out of love by way of a list?
I'm guessing never.
But here are a few things she said though.
One, "Photo probably someone else."
- [Woman] Don't wanna ever go through this again.
- Two,-- - They didn't have her--
- [Alan Voiceover] "Too young to be interested in you."
- 'Til I moved here. - And three,
"Do you realize she could be my sister?"
- [Woman] They said I could have a lot of damage.
- "Is that where my tuition money is going?"
I can think of at least one person
I'd rather spend it on right now.
Who am I kidding?
She's a good kid.
And when she meets you she'll love you.
(bird squawking)
(plastic crinkling)
Where's he going?
- Cancer sticks.
So remind me why you're eating
gas station cakes for lunch again.
- Well, they're only $2.99 a pack.
- Mm-hmm.
- And each pack lasts me two days.
So over the last two weeks I've saved $20.93
and I normally spend about $10 a day
so that means I'm saving $119.07.
And that means that I'm $433 closer
to getting Rita to Florida.
- By the time she gets here you'll be made out of
100% corn syrup. (chuckling)
- Was that your way of calling me sweet?
(snickering)
- You're really serious about this, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
- Shut up. (laughing)
- Well, I am.
Know that I'm doing everything I can
to get my Princess Rita all the way from her faraway kingdom
to somewhat scenic, honestly not-that-bad southern Florida
where I will immediately crown you queen
of all things in my life.
And it'll just be you and me and the Buick
and we'll stop for snacks and slushies whenever you want and
at night I'll hold you close in a motel just like this one.
It's really not too bad.
'Til then,
Alan.
(sighing)
Send.
I've been avoiding sending you
the picture you asked for because
I know you're somewhere exotic and
if I'm going to convince you to come here to be with me
I need have a better sell than the inside of my
$75-per-night hotel room.
I've been keeping my eyes open for somewhere beautiful
to take this photo, or at least not repulsive and
tonight I saw it.
The photo I'm sending you tonight,
it's a revelation.
Never has love felt so real, so global,
so downright photogenic!
(water splashing)
So here it is, Rita!
The most intimate part of me,
waiting for you in sunny Florida.
Dear Rita, already slightly regretting the photo
I sent you last night.
Ha ha.
What can I say, really?
I'm trying to trust my gut more often,
like you've said I should.
But last night
was just a warm up.
Today I'm trusting my gut more deeply
than I ever have before.
Today I'm wiring $5,000 U.S. dollars to Princess Rita.
Yeah.
And I, having subsisted on mainly gas station cakes
in order to secure these funds will be your king
of high fructose corn syrup.
That's an inside joke with one of my colleagues
that I will explain once you get here.
Aw man,
here.
A place you'll be very soon.
(recorded music)
♪ True love will find you in the end ♪
♪ You'll find out just who was your friend ♪
♪ Don't be sad, I know you will ♪
♪ But don't give up until ♪
♪ True love will find you in the end ♪
♪ This is a promise with a catch ♪
♪ Only if you're looking can it find you ♪
♪ 'Cause true love is searching too ♪
♪ But how can it recognize you ♪
♪ Unless you step out into the light, the light ♪
- [Alan Voiceover] Hey Rita, it's me, I'm just checking in
to make sure you got that wire transfer all right.
I don't do them very often so now I'm paranoid
I messed it up along the way.
Let me know when you get this
and what you think of that photo.
Or maybe don't,
ha ha.
Don't pack too much,
we've got everything you need over here.
Hiya, Rita, just checking in.
Aw man, such a lame subject line.
It's pretty much the worst one but
that's what I'm doin', checking to make sure
you received the wire transfer I sent.
Can't wait to see ya.
Alan.
Hey Rita, it's me, I wish there was a way I could call you,
I'm getting so worried.
Rita, I'm definitely nervous over here.