- It's a very tense time right now.
I myself suffer from anxiety.
And I could use a little more kindness in my life to myself
and to others, you know?
Yeah.
One of the ways my anxiety plays out is at night,
because I suffer from this disorder called night terrors.
When I first started having these night terrors,
I became intimately familiar with my scream.
Now, I'm talking about that sound that comes out of you
when you face death.
Most people think that they know what that sounds like
even if they've never been in this scenario.
They're like, "Yeah, I know.
I know what my scream sounds like."
Half the women in this room right now are like,
"Oh, yeah, I've got a great scream.
"I have the scream of a skinny blonde woman.
I have the kind of scream that makes Batman show up instantly."
Like, you don't know that, okay?
I'm here as a cautionary tale to let you know,
because I found out I don't have that kind of scream.
I have the kind of scream that makes other people scream.
I have the kind of scream that turns people into vegetarians
because they think it's the sound of a pig dying.
And the next time they see bacon, they're like,
"I can't eat that.
I can't unhear the cries."
Now, I know my scream is bad
because when I first started having these night terrors,
I lived in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn,
where people lived above me, below me,
to the side of me,
and not once did anyone check on me.
Nobody banged on the wall like, "Are you okay in there?"
I know they could hear me dying,
'cause I could hear them making sex.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- But I don't blame 'em, 'cause it's a bad scream.
It is a bad scream.
And I'm gonna demonstrate it for you right now.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Here's my scream.
[deep croak] Like, be honest with me.
If you heard that outside your window at night...
[deep croak]
...like, would you call 911 and be like, "Oh my god,
"someone please help that poor woman.
Call the police." No--
[deep croak] You'd be like,
"Turn the lights off. Get the kids.
Meet me in the panic room. Go, go, go!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- [deep croak] Like, that is embarrassing.
That is something rotten inside of me trying to get out.
Like, I can--I can hear women out there like,
[nervous giggle]
"That is bad.
"My scream is better than that.
My scream is like, 'ahh'!"
Congratulations, you have the scream of a human being.
I have the scream of an entity.
The kind of thing that chases you through the woods at night.
Just like-- [deep croak].
[laughs] Sorry.
She was like-- [sob]
It's good, though, that I didn't do this, like--
[deep croak]
'Cause you know when, like, a demon changes levels,
it gets way scarier.
It's way scarier.
"She's coming down!"
Oh, speaking of nightmares...
Does anybody else feel like
they're losing their grip on reality as of late?
I really do.
- Like, what is-- - [laughter and applause]
- Remember truth?
Oh, those were the days, huh? When you knew what was real?
Oh, god!
What is the truth? We don't even know anymore.
And I think part of it is because we've entered into
the golden age of conspiracy theorists.
It is their time.
Now, you probably all know one hardcore conspiracy theorist.
Usually they have a name like Uncle Dennis, right?
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- It used to be that Uncle Dennis
was pretty harmless, right?
Like, maybe the extent of it would be, like,
at a family function, Thanksgiving maybe.
There's a quiet moment, everyone's chewing.
Uncle Dennis sees his in.
He's like-- [clears throat]
"Y'all know what they're saying about the frogs, dontcha?"
And you're just like, "No, Uncle Dennis, we don't.
Please enlighten us." [nervous giggle]
"It's not funny, Sara.
"The frogs are turnin' gay.
"Now, they don't know why they're turnin' gay, but I do.
"I figured it out.
Barack Obama did it."
And you're just like, "No, Uncle Dennis, no!"
And you hit him on the head with a rolled-up newspaper.
Like, that's what it used to be like.
But now the situation has changed.
Things have shifted. Now Uncle Dennis is literally
the next national security advisor
of the United States of America.
It's like, oh my god.
That is terrifying.
- [applause]
- Now, say what you want about the man,
but I do 100% blame Donald Trump for this phenomenon.
I don't know how he did it--
- [cheers and applause]
- --but he put out some kind of clarion call
that only the conspiracy theorists could hear.
He was like-- [dull howl]
and they all emerged from their evidence sheds
like 17-year cicadas just ready to make a lot of noise.
Just like-- [hisses]
"This is our time!
You'll finally hear us!"
And we are. We're hearing them.
I literally Googled last week, like, "Is the earth flat?"
Maybe.
There's a lot of chatter.
Giving them a lot of platforms.
Jeez.
Now, I mentioned evidence sheds.
If you're not familiar with the concept of an evidence shed,
an evidence shed is like a TV trope.
It's something you see in TV shows and movies.
And it's when a detective has a shed out back his house
or hidden in the woods somewhere
where he's trying to solve that one crime
that he can't let go of.
Now, he's not supposed to be working on the case anymore, no.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Because back at the station, the chief was like,
"Gimme your badge!
"Hand over your gun!
"You're in too deep, McDaniels!
"I got city hall breathing down my neck!
"You look like crap.
Go spend some time with your family."
He's not spending time with his family.
He's out back in the shed trying to connect some goddamn dots.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Now, I know I'm out on a limb right now
and not many are you with me,
but I do need to speak to you briefly about
modern-day evidence sheds.
Have you seen what they're using to solve crimes with these days?
Dry erase boards.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter]
- Like a whiteboard.
Are you serious? Are you serious?
If you really cared about solving that crime,
you would get out that red string,
tie it around each individual thumb tack
connecting each piece of evidence like you give a damn.
If I had an evidence shed, I'd be up at Jo-Ann's Fabrics
every single morning preparing for the day,
creating a beautiful murder collage
that no one would ever forget.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- I don't mean to divide the audience, but...
we're divided enough as is it,
but I had to speak my truth just then.
Thank you for listening.