After a canter through the classifieds...
Hammond and I found our new locomotive.
Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead. It's an Audi S8.
It has even more power than the Jaguar, but more importantly,
it has four-wheel drive, which is what you need,
because the rails are slippery.
Also, I have feet made of flesh, with nerves in them, like a human being,
not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oaf.
While I was doing the driving, Hammond would take care of the passengers.
In just a few minutes, I shall be welcoming the passengers onto the train.
This is the manifest with their names.
But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready.
This has to look good. This really is...
All passengers...
first, second... Well, just first or second will be able to come in here,
so I want it to look excellent.
Biscuits, various. Muffins. Yeah.
It's the carriage of plenty.
With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests...
who were a group of top officials and inspectors from the railway world.
-You are? -Steve Davies.
-Steve Davies. MBE! -He's important.
-Steve Davies, MBE! -Indeed.
-And you're a colonel! Hello! -How do you do? Nice to see you again.
-Well, you're in first, which is there. -Indeed.
-Hello, you're Helen... Ashby. OBE! Hello! -Helen Ashby.
-Hi! -Come on in, please.
-Thank you. -You're in first as well, obviously.
-And... sir? -Ian Walmsley.
Yes, you're also... Yes, in there, Ian. That'll be absolutely brilliant.
In. There you go, you'll be fine.
The straw's fresh. Don't worry.
Everything now depended
on giving our passengers the train ride of a lifetime.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 14:53 express
from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough.
This train is about to depart.
Thank you very much for travelling with us.
We appreciate that you have a choice of car-based rail companies.
James, that's my job! I'm running this bit of the train.
You just drive!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward speaking, whose train this is.
We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough.
Look at this!
It's a train and it works!
This is the best thing I've ever done!
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be through shortly with refreshments.
Oh, yeah!
I don't know if this is coming across in the images you're seeing at home,
but the sensation of being in a car, but on the railway,
is just the maddest thing I've ever seen out of the window. It's...
It's a railway!
Past another train parked in the siding. It's just wonderful.
More points coming up.
The responsible driver slows down a bit... a tiny bit of braking.
Refreshments, gentlemen!
Oh, it doesn't fit!
Across the little bridge, the water on the left.
While I was sightseeing, Jeremy was finally leaving the station
in his idiotic sports train.
TGV 12 is up and running.
Let me talk you through my passengers. The man on the left, he's just a man,
but the man on the right, that is the editor of Rail Express magazine
and I need to impress him.
He's going to be reviewing this experience.
Clearly, the best way of impressing him would be
to beat Hammond and May to our destination.
Come on! Let's build up that speed!
Taking it up now to 40.
Forty-five!
A few bugs there smashing into the face of the editor Railway Express magazine.
Fifty-five!
Look!
The wind in your hair, the bees in your face!
V12 power!
The editor of Railway Express magazine basking in the shadow of my magnificence!
A train!
Oh, my God!
Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.
Twenty-five miles an hour!
But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.
The cruise control works. Look at that! I'm now doing nothing.
It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors.
The noise was also an issue.
-What? -Do you think it's safe?
I can't hear you!
-Do you think it's safe? -No.
...this discussion before, but how do we communicate in an emergency?
We have to shout!
Is there a communication cord to stop the train?
Yes, yes. I'm going to check it, actually. I'm about to ask the driver, Mr May,
to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.
James!
-What's the matter? -Can you slow down a bit?
-Everything's falling off. -Right.
Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots,
but I couldn't get past, due to a railway network design fault.
Even here, we're stuck behind caravans.
If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
Oh, for God's sake!
Oh, this is really bad.
A member of the working classes is now taking a dump
in full view of the editor of Railway Express Magazine.
Oh, whoa, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm very sorry about this.
I can't just drive along like this forever. I'm backing off.
I decided to go back in search of some points,
where I could change tracks.
I do apologise. I do apologise.