I need women? (Siri: I'm sorry)
That's it. I am *drumroll*
Back in my car. Um hi. I'm back
I've run out of convenient places to film, yet again. My neighbor still lives near me
So that's unfortunate.
Also who doesn't love sitting in a hot car.
In the middle of summer.
In a beanie. Not me. I love it.
I want to roll these up
Oh, she's got a farmer's tan?
If you couldn't tell by the extreme levels of loneliness that I give off
I'm single! *heh*
or as Demi Lovato would say,
I want to *fu-oo-oo but I'm broken-hearted*
*cr-cr-cry but I like to party*
*T-t-touch but I got nobody*
so I'm just pretty alone *uheh*
Um
*sighs* puh.
*valley girl voice* I'm just like trying to find somebody, you know.
I thought okay, so we need so I hello. I don't know how to talk
I'm out here trying to find um
someone
That's it I figure I should actively look for someone because I'm um
I don't go out everybody uses dating apps but I don't want to be on the ones like tinder or Bumble or like the ones
Where everyone is because I'm not looking for everyone I am looking for
The one.
My logic here is not making any sense. I'm in a full fetal position right now. I am subconsciously preparing for this
It's quite sad. What if I find someone in this parking lot instead? Would that be easier?
I thought at first I'll just go through my DMS
*Takes a few quick breaths* Uhh
Nobody no one is
sliding into those I checked no one is trying to get this.... GAH
What if I? *gasps* What if we?
Bitch! so I downloaded some
quirky?
Dating apps.
Cause like I'm quirky... so
*Coughs*
oh by the way
None of these are sponsored cuz what so the first app that I downloaded is called Luxy and it is a dating app for rich
people
I'm not supposed to be on this app. It's for rich people to meet other rich people
So they can just have so much money. Oh, I don't want to connect my Facebook. They'll know I'm not rich
I have some photos from my Instagram to use but none of them make me look rich, so
This might be dumb
But can I just google image search myself real quick if I could get a picture of me on like a red carpet of some
Sorts, I would look rich right come on. Oh
*Gasps* hmm
Ooo!
Boi! God damn these are bad for some odd reason
This is the picture on my famous birthday's account and like I don't know what I did to upset
Whoever it was that famous birthdays that made this my photo but what did I do? What did I do to you?
How did- why would they choose- God Do we have like a wide of me on on a red carpet?
Maybe so we don't get the details of my face. Listen this screams. I have money. It doesn't
But it whispers it and I think that's good enough. Your photo was not clear enough, bitch
Do you see how rich I look though. I didn't think I was gonna have a good time
before I started filming
That's all. What is this? What is this! Get-get-get out of town
$99 a month yo, yo
This ain't for me Luxy members of your opposite sex will vouch you in or out for 24 hours
So what you're telling me is that if enough boys like my face I could maybe get on this app
For a day
sign me up, sign me up judge me wait, who's who's vouching me in? When do I get to vouch people in what is this?
Only two out of three spots left today. All right, there's six people on this dating app. What's happening? Oh,
Here we are. Oh, they're all men. I love that not even an option
Good, why did his picture at his TED talk get approved by mine on my red carpet invisible Shh Omar is livin it up
Wow, I'm just reading their BIOS like good for you. You've accomplished so much Derek, Tony. Look at you guys
You have so many things what wait, I'm not gonna pay
To message a straight dude
I don't need to meet any of these people nor will I because I don't have the money to even contact them
It's getting hot in here. I need to match with someone quick so I don't die alone
So there's this dating app and it matches people based on their astrological sign
Which I think is the most LA thing in the entire world, you know people that are like I don't date Leos
Get out. However, I do check my horoscope on the daily. So I don't know where I fall into this
So this app is called a line and it's supposed to match you with the sign that you're supposed to be with
But their website is like it's available in LA and it's not
So I had to settle for the low-budget version called aligned signs and it looks like it sucks. I'm getting very sweaty people
How has this app not been updated since before apps were made username
No, I'm alone is a little too desperate. I like my cat
69
What is this? And why do I have five matches? They don't even know my birthday. He's a Gemini
I don't know what that means for me. We're on this app. Where'd I even find matches connections?
No, I'm so sorry about this whole entire video
So this next app is called subtle for love a dating service where people can let loose and stop being afraid of being judged
So harshly from their profiles, this is the saddest thing I've ever heard
What? Oh my god. I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for someone
That's dating. I don't know. Everyone's got flaws, bitch
So like that should be the tagline for every dating app because what the *beep* why is there a dating app?
That's like hey guys just being realistic here. Everyone's got flaws
And sometimes you need to accept people for who they are
What if these people's flaws are like? Oh, I have six dead bodies in my car
Well, I guess we should check him out saddle free love and use my Facebook sign-in what makes you shine
What are my strengths you? *beep* you I'm funny
Okay, I was saying *beep* you to my brain that was telling me not to write that
I'm trying to be really really confident here suggestions. Give me some suggestions. No, no
No, no. Oh my god professional Napper. I'm pretty honest. Let's do it. Take your best mug shot
Oh my god. Woo! Ooh
Nope, no teeth oh this could be a video on its own me taking a selfie I can't do it
haha take the fricken picture
guys
Let's do that one, what are your imperfections it takes me a while to open up bitch, that's me
Oh, I'm a little OCD. Do they have a I'm a lot of OCD on here. Is there an option for that?
Oh my god. Traffic makes me angry
I really wish it didn't but it does can we just talk about one of the imperfections being I throw like a girl?
I like Taco Bell is a flaw in what world this is why I don't wanna date its so
owwww fuck *choking*
Sorry the battery died because I've been in here so long it's so good
it's like oh this is what a dating app usually looks like and then you turn on a little moon and then it's like here's
What's actually going down folks Hello?
Women please kindness good driver good memory good info. Oh, I have a super awesome two-year-old
well thats good to know *chuckles*
Well, I don't think she's ready to have two two year olds
So I'm gonna go and say no for her sake I should be swiping. Yes to everybody. I'm just here for the flaws
*gasps* she doesn't like tattoos. She'll love me
Excuse me
I didn't get any matches
though
last
Glimmer of hope this app is called hater meet
Someone who hates the same stuff shouldn't you like wanna bond over the things you like? Let's see
*frustrated groans*
Sorry swipe left to hate a topic assembling IKEA furniture
I love assembling IKEA furniture live laugh. Love ya, bitch
I hate that I swiped right... when do I like meet someone? The government. Hate it! Over-the-top marriage proposals?
I love those taking pictures of food at restaurants. Do whatever you want time to meet some other haters huh i did it! Oh
This girl looks pretty ok hates being the little spoon that's weird. Whatever sadar you're lost brother
I don't know how you got into this mix paints summer this somehow turned back into the settle for love app
that's a flaw hates connect four
what a random thing to have an opinion about who has an opinion on connect four I'm honestly just
Swiping at this point to get a match. Oh, isn't that Alex from Target? That is him dorothea
Welcome to my life because you're the only one in it. Who is your favorite author?
Lisa Vanderpump, have you read her book, Dorothea? Oh, I can just send her a message
Please respond. I love you. Is this too desperate? I love dating
I love dating, you know when you're at this point in the dating scene
Somebody come on guys. What was that? What was that whole thing? Did you just watch that? What was that? Can somebody?
Drive me home. I thought it would be bad but I didn't think it would be this bad if you liked
oceans eight give this video a thumbs up cuz I don't think anyone's gonna like this
Particular video just like my video. Also if you could subscribe that would be
Friendly reminder. I'm going on tour. Get your tickets below. Just saying see you later. Suckers Oh
Bye
Hi hi hi a quick update. I got a match. Oh my god. She said hey bae Wow, I
Don't want that. Her name is Ma...
Focus her name is Mandy
*whispers* what do I say back?
I'm gonna say hey good-looking. I haven't looked at her profile yet. I hope she's good-looking. She hates crowded gyms
Well, I hate gyms
she said "What's up?" Whats up? More like what's your credit score?
I need to know details just looking for love, you? *giggles*
I'm being open and honest I'll update you again, but I have to pee. Uh, hi
I'm back quick update on the Mandy situation. She said chilliing lol. haha Cuz that's funny
Mandy asked me if I had a snapchat and I don't is this where our
relationship ends for me and Mandy over I think this is it for me and Mandy so
Alright. Bye
(*music* and we all fall down ring around the roses)
I don't want to use the ones everyone's use in like - what tinder?
Am I from this planet?