Item #: SPC-169
Object Class: Megalodon
Shark Punching Contingencies: Due to its immense size, direct punching of SPC-169 will prove
impractical.
As such, Project Ahab has been established for the full-scale pugilization of SPC-169.
Project Ahab consists of simultaneous Dreadnought-class punchery from five separate sources in the
southern Atlantic Ocean:
Ahab-1 "Fist of Neptune": 50 satellites currently located in stationary orbit over critical
points of SPC-169's anatomy.
These satellites are capable of releasing 100kg tungsten-osmium sculptures of fists
into Earth's atmosphere, which will use the natural acceleration of Earth's gravity to
punch SPC-169 at terminal velocity.
Ahab-2 "Fist of Triton": Ten volleys of 20 intercontinental ballistic missiles modified
for shark-punching purposes with Kaiju-grade Doomfist tips.
Ahab-3 "Fist of Calypso": Two-stage operation in which Megara-277EA92R (a van-sized asteroid
in an L4 orbit around the Earth) is 1.
implanted with several boxing gloves, and 2.
magnetized directly onto SPC-169.
Ahab-4 "Fist of Cthulhu": 500 modified drilling rigs will be installed on the exterior of
SPC-169 for the purpose of applying continuous punching action over the course of several
years.
Ahab-5 "Fist of Nemo": [DATA EXPUNGED] will be trained in bareknuckle boxing techniques
and summoned to challenge SPC-169 to fisticuffs.
Description: SPC-169 is the largest shark ever encountered by the Shark Punching Center,
believed to be between 2,000 and 8,000 km in length.
Radar analysis has detected a hardened outer carapace, indications of a state of dormancy,
and, unfortunately, a complete lack of exterior indications of punching.
SPC-169 is believed to have existed since the Pre-Cambrian era.
Due to the ethical ramifications of a shark having remained unpunched for that long, Project
Ahab is to be executed as soon as possible.
Addendum 1 - Shark Identification Discrepancies:
Dr. Swayze: Sir, we have reason to believe that SPC-169 is not a shark.
Administrator: Explain.
Dr. Swayze: SPC-169 has an exoskeleton, as well as multiple sets of limbs and feelers.
In truth, I believe SPC-169 is a very large arthropod.
Administrator: Interesting.
Tell me, is SPC-169 located in the ocean?
Dr. Swayze: Yes.
Administrator: Is it larger than a dolphin?
Dr. Swayze: [Audible sigh] Yes.
Administrator: Does it have lots of pointy parts that could potentially be dangerous?
Then it's a shark!
This is entry-level sharkspotting; you really should know better at this point.
Dr. Swayze: Sir, with all due respect: by that logic, sperm whales, orcas, and narwhals
could also be called "sharks".
Administrator: …oh God, no.
Following this meeting, an emergency initiative was established for the investigation and
immediate punching of SPC-170 ("Moby Dick Sharks"), SPC-171 ("Free Willy Sharks"), and
SPC-172 ("Sword Sharks?!").
Addendum 2 - Ethics Committee Review:
Dr. Balboa: We've been going over the agenda for Project Ahab, and I think we need to step
up the lethality.
Administrator: On what grounds?
Dr. Balboa: If we were to punch this… shark, and we did not kill it, I'm fairly certain
its enraged awakening would potentially cause irreversible damage to human civilization.
Administrator: But would it be punched?
Dr. Balboa: The human race would go extinct, but yes, SPC-169 would be punched.
Administrator: Look, whatever the fine print says, our job is done once the fist is in
the shark's bitch face.
Forgive me if I fail to see how the most punchable shark in our organization's history is generating
so much nitpicking.