This one time in elementary school,
we had to write a little report
about what we got for Christmas,
and I wrote down a Hess truck.
But because Spanish is my first language,
and my English wasn't great,
I spelled it with a J.
And then they all laughed at me.
All the kids laughed at me. They were all like,
"Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja."
I've been trying to learn French.
And in order to become more comfortable with the language,
I changed the language settings on my Gmail to French,
which is fine, except now every time I type in the password wrong,
it just goes, "Ugh."
They say that you start approaching a high level of fluency
in a language that you're learning
when you begin to dream in that language.
I guess I'm getting pretty good at French
because I had a sex dream in black and white about my cousin.
We were both, like, smoking in the bathtub.
This one time in school, we had to do a science fair project.
My science fair project was giving this one girl bangs.
My hypothesis was, "Oh, she can pull it off."
And I was right.
This one time in school, I remember pulling the fire alarm.
I pulled the fire alarm, and I would have gotten away with it
had I not yelled, "Let the games begin."
Also, I remember one time in class,
being at my desk and just sort of,
well, I was just, like, laughing by myself.
And the teacher was like,
"Will Julio care to stand up and tell us what's so funny?"
So I had to stand up
and retell the whole teabagging episode
from "Sex and the City."
From memory.
And everyone agreed it was very funny.
Actually, growing up, my favorite cartoon character
was by far Daisy Duck--
Donald's girlfriend, sometimes wife,
depending on the writing.
I really loved Daisy because whenever she blinked
or whenever she closed her eyes,
you could see that she was wearing a deep purple eyeshadow
no matter where she was.
And I just thought there was something so beautiful
and so vulnerable
about her accidentally revealing how much she cared.
Donald Duck was always late
and she never said a thing.
But whenever she blinked, I'd be like,
"Oh, no, she dressed up."
This was important to her.