- Knowing when to stand up for yourself,
and when to let something slide can be tricky.
You don't want to be petty,
but you also don't want to be a pushover.
And I'm sure you can relate to that feeling
that it's just easier to avoid standing up for yourself,
because you bypass the risk of conflict by doing so,
even if it slowly chips away at your soul over time.
Although to be honest, that's personally where I lean
most of the time,
because I don't believe in defending myself.
Hear me out on that for a second.
So often, being defensive comes from the ego,
and that's not where I want to live,
stuck in self defense mode with online haters, for example,
because it's simply not worth it.
But in life, there are some times
that we do need to stand up for ourselves,
and we can do it respectfully and peacefully
for ourselves and for others.
So I want to share a few surprising habits of people
who stand up for themselves while still being liked,
followed by some real life examples,
so you can apply them wherever you might need to.
Firstly, people that are good at standing up for themselves
can tolerate discomfort, which is all confidence really is,
being able to feel uncomfortable.
They're also assertive, and they pay attention.
They have healthy boundaries.
They're respected by other people.
And they're clear on what matters to them.
And simply also get more of what they want.
Okay, so now let's talk about some real life examples.
As a life coach,
my friends often call me for business advice.
And just recently, my friend Jason asked me,
"My boss took a booking for my client
when I was on vacation.
And now he's claiming the commission is his.
Should I speak up?"
When our feathers get ruffled in life,
a relative makes a judgmental remark,
or an arrogant colleague takes credit for your work,
we can either react or not react.
It's as simple, and that difficult.
So when you see red, and don't know what to do,
let these factors help you decide
what to confront and what to let slide.
And I'll share with you how it worked out
for my friend, Jason.
Quick side note, I host a totally free workshop
that will show you how to coach yourself
through any of life's problems.
Head on over to BecomeYourOwnLifeCoach.com for more info.
The link is also in the description,
so you can check it out later.
All right, ready?
So, think about a time when money was involved.
Have you ever had a friend owe you money,
and then turn around and buy some clothes?
- Pay me back that money, please.
- Why are you bring like this?
So dramatic.
- That's not okay.
When it comes to your hard earned dough,
not being paid back,
or just being stuck with a broke friend
who's taking advantage of a generosity
means it's your time to say something.
Giving, and being generous,
and lending should leave you feeling blissful,
not resentful.
A simple, hey, I'm headed on vacation soon,
and I'd love to get settled before I head out.
Could you Venmo me back?
Will do.
If a friend stalls on this, or doesn't address it,
I would let that person go.
Consider your money a parting gift.
A time when you might let that slide
could be in a more professional context.
For example, do you want a raise?
Or do you need to bring up a financial issue at work,
like my friend Jason?
If so, you have to choose your timing wisely,
and be selective about how often you raise a topic
with your manager.
Being compensated fairly matters,
but this has to be done sparingly,
so that you're actually heard.
Jason, it turns out,
frequently complained about stuff at work,
and his requests were just drowned out over time.
Only choose the most important matters to speak up about.
There probably won't ever be more than maybe one or two
serious occasions that pop up per year.
In this case, I asked Jason if it was important enough
for him to raise his issue at work,
given that he only really gets a couple of opportunities
each year to contend with his boss' decision.
If it's a yes, go ahead and do it.
If not, you might want to forget about it and move on,
and don't spend a single second dwelling on it.
It turns out the answer in this case was the latter.
Jason decided to just let it go.
And he just decided to change his thinking
on that specific matter.
Okay, another example.
What if someone criticizes you,
or makes a joke at your expense?
Look, there's friendly banter,
and you don't want to be the uptight person
that's really difficult to hang out with.
But if someone's unkind repeatedly, even in jest,
maybe more than two or three times,
it could be your time to take up the issue.
Ask yourself first,
is someone being passive aggressive on purpose?
Or are you maybe just feeling a little sensitive
and touchy at the moment?
The best way to confront someone upsetting you
is openly, and without a hint of anger.
I worked with a guy who joked that I never had a bad day.
He was trying to make me look like I'm a bit of a bimbo,
and not a serious person for having a cheerful attitude.
It's not like I'm Miss Pollyanna,
who's smiling all the time.
But what most people don't realize
is that it takes some inner work to be cheerful.
It's easier to be cynical.
And I was getting sick of his stupid comments,
"Happy again today, Susie?"
Actually, yes, I am, I wanted to say, lock me up.
What I really wanted to say actually was,
hey, I don't complain when I see your miserable face
all day, every day at work.
But I'll have to save that one for the arguments
I act out in the shower.
But seriously, here's how to approach it maturely.
First, breathe.
Wait until you're calm,
and then ask the person if you can talk privately
for a moment.
Once you're one on one, you can say,
hey, I've noticed you've made a few comments
about my demeanor recently.
I felt as if it's a bit negative toward me,
am I reading that right?
You want to be as kind and warm as possible
when you do this.
Your openness and kindness will disarm the other person.
And the less defensive you are,
the more likely you'll be to reach a resolution,
and the truth.
If someone is being more directly critical,
and it's not their place to be,
meaning they're not your boss,
or maybe a client giving direct feedback,
it's okay to lovingly say that you appreciate their advice,
but you're doing just fine as you are.
I love what an entrepreneur said to me recently.
She emailed me and a few friends saying,
"Please check out my new website.
It's complete, so I don't need any feedback,
but I would love you to leave a comment on a blog,
or tweet it out."
I thought that was really cool,
because she wasn't asking for changes or advice,
she just wanted some encouragement.
And then there are times
that we can just let some things slide.
Okay sometimes we all feel a little sensitive.
I mean, it's just life.
My friend was left reeling for weeks though,
when another mom had made a joke
about her being an uptight parent.
And another friend of mine got really upset
when someone joked about her hat at dinner.
But if we let a joke slide,
we're not necessarily being a pushover.
I mean, hell, if we perceived every snub, jab, or jibe,
if we let them all bother us,
I don't know how we'd get out of bed in the morning.
Just remember it's okay to tell people
when their feedback isn't required.
A final example or situation would be
if something unfair happens.
Maybe for example, you get home late from work
after a really stressful day,
and your spouse forgot to take out the trash.
Or someone on your team failed to send a report on time.
And now you are late getting back to your boss,
or to a client.
Or perhaps, maybe a friend borrowed a piece of clothing,
and it came back with a stain on it.
Oh, that happened to me once.
My favorite white cardigan,
and I never lent out clothes again.
I hear and feel that frustration when it happens,
you just have to ask yourself,
is this really worth a fight, terse words,
or an angry text?
Consider whether these events have become the rule
versus the exception in your relationships.
If you're calm,
and these occurrences still feel totally unfair,
it could be worth voicing your feelings,
but don't rush into a rant that you might regret later,
and then have to repair.
If something still bothers you, maybe a week,
two weeks, or a month after it happened,
it could be a sign it's time to express yourself.
But also critical here,
don't make your hasty decision when you're tired,
annoyed, or hungry, you won't be rational.
When you're in a calm mindset,
you'll probably realize it's just not worth the energy
of an argument,
or the potential consequences you'll have to live with.
Maybe your spouse is overworked too right now.
So he or she forgot to take care of some chores.
Maybe that's no big deal.
Or perhaps your assistant is on top of things
95% of the time, when you consider it really.
And hey, didn't you also break your friend's wine glass
at her place last month?
These things happen.
And if you can be at peace, then why not just let it slide?
Remember, any confrontation requires some risk.
So the risk has to be worth the potential reward to you,
a silenced bully at work, a more reliable friend,
or increased support from a partner.
But I find the older I get,
the less confrontational I become.
I just don't sweat the small stuff like I used to.
Instead, I like to let it be easy.
Hey, I'm human, and I'm sensitive too sometimes,
but I know overall that most people are goodhearted,
and that life isn't always fair, but it's still good.
And a sense of peace and sticking up for yourself,
now I know can totally co-exist.
But I'm curious to hear from you.
Let me know in the comments
a time when you stood up for yourself,
or let something slide,
and when it worked out in your best interest.
Hope you enjoyed this video, my friend.
If you haven't seen it already,
be sure to check out the other video I made
on setting elegant boundaries.