WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO "THE
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN LATE SHOW." COLBERT.
AND I'M HERE TO SALE YOU, FOLKS IT'S BEEN A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE,
NO-GOOD, VERY BAD WEEK FOR FORMER PRESIDENT, THE REAL DIM
SHADY. AND THINGS JUST A LITTLE BIT
MORE WORSER, BECAUSE TODAY, NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL LETITIA
JAMES, WHO HAS BEEN INVESTIGATING THE EX -PRESIDENT'S
BUSINESS DEALINGS FOR THREE YEARS, MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> I AM ANNOUNCING THAT TODAY WE'RE FILING A LAWSUIT AGAINST
DONALD TRUMP FOR VIOLATING THE LAW AS PART OF HIS EFFORTS TO
GENERATE PROFITS FOR HIMSELF, HIS FAMILY, HIS COMPANY.
( RINGING BELL )
1,000th LAWSUIT!
( APPLAUSE )
>> CONTINUED FREEDOM! THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES!
CAUSE AND EFFECT IS A LIE! WE'RE NOTHING BUT CLUSTERS OF
MATTER HURTLING THROUGH AN INDIFFERENT UNIVERSE!
I'M GOING TO GO EAT AN ENTIRE SHEET CAKE ON MY BRAND-NEW
DINETTE SET FROM BROYHILL. BROYHILL: GOD IS DEAD!
BACK TO YOU, STEVE! >> Stephen: THANKS, JOHNNY!
SO, WHAT CRIME DID HE CRIME THIS TIME?
BANK FRAUD. ALLEGEDLY.
AND REPEATEDLY.
PROPERTIES WERE WORTH A LOT MORE THAN THEY ACTUALLY WERE, SO HE
COULD USE THEM AS COLLATERAL FOR HUGE LOANS HE DESPERATELY
NEEDED FROM THINK ABOUTS. AND WHEN IT COMES TO FAKING THE
NUMBERS, LETICIA JAMES ISN'T. SHE HAS THE RECEIPTS, OVER 200
OF THEM, INCLUDING HIS COMPANY CLAIMING THAT A DOZEN
RENT-STABILIZED APARTMENTS WERE WORTH MORE THAN $49.5 MILLION
WHEN, IN FACT, THEY HAD BEEN APPRAISED AT A COMBINED
$750,000. THAT IS 65 TIMES LESS MONEY!
AND IT'S NO SURPRISE. THE PRESIDENT IS KNOWN FOR
INFLATED ASSETS.
CONFERENCE GOT THE EX-PREZ RANKLED TO HIS CANKLES, BECAUSE
THE ONE THING HE HATES MORE THAN ANYTHING IS PEOPLE HEARING HE'S
NOT AS RICH AS HE CLAIMS HE IS. CASE IN POINT, JAMES REVEALED
HIS PROPERTY AT MAR-A-LAGO HAS A VALUE OF $75 MILLION.
BUT THE EX-PRESIDENT HAD NOT BAD. CLAIMED
IT WAS WORTH $739 MILLION. WELL, OF COURSE, IT'S WORTH LESS
NOW! THE F.B.I. TOOK AWAY ALL THE
MOST RE-SELLABLE DOCUMENTS!
SO--
THEY ENJOYED THAT. >> Louis: I ENJOYED THAT!
>> Stephen: ENJOYED THE JOKE. SO WHAT, EXACTLY, IS THE FAMILY
LOOKING AT IN TERMS OF PUNISHMENT?
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS ASKED THAT A JUDGE REVOKE THE FAMILY'S
BUSINESS CERTIFICATE, BAR THE FAMILY FROM SERVING AS AN
OFFICER OF ANY BUSINESS IN THE STATE, AND A FIVE-YEAR BAN ON
THE FAMILY FROM ACQUIRING REAL ESTATE OR GETTING BUSINESS LOANS
FROM ANY COMPANY IN NEW YORK.
BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A BUSINESS BE ON THE BOARD OF A BUSINESS,
BE ON THE BOARD OF A BUSINESS, DO REAL ESTATE BUSINESS, GET
BUSINESS LOANS, OR ROCK TO BACHMAN TURNER OVERDRIVE'S
"TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS." BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL ALSO WANTS PAYBACK-- LITERALLY.
SHE'S ASKING FOR THE FAMILY TO REPAY $250 MILLION TO LENDERS.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TO WHICH THE FAMILY SAID, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
STUDIO APARTMENT ON STATEN WE HAVE A 300-SQUARE-FOOT ISLAND
THAT'S VALUED AT EXACTLY $250 MILLION!"
IN CLOSING, THE ATTORNEY
BROKE OUT THE RHYMING DICTIONARY.
>> CLAIMING YOU HAVE MONEY THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE DOES NOT AMOUNT
TO THE ART OF THE DEAL. IT'S THE ART OF THE STEAL.
IT'S PRETTY GOOD, BUT YOU
WONDER, HOW LONG DID THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE WORK
ON THAT ONE? "ART OF THE SQUEAL?
NO. ART OF CONGEAL?
NO. ART OF SHAQUILLE O'NEAL?
DAMMIT! PUT ON A POT OF COFFEE.
RIGHT! THE LEGAL NEWS TODAY WE'RE HERE TILL WE GET IT ISN'T ALL
BAD FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT. SOME OF IT IS EXTRAORDINARILY
TERRIBLE, BECAUSE HE'S STILL IN BIG, BIG, BIG TROUBLE
FOR STEALING A BUNCH OF CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AND USING
THEM TO PROP UP THE SHORT LEG OF THE MAR-A-LAGO WAFFLE STATION.
HERE'S BASICALLY WHERE THINGS STAND.
LAST WEEK, A FLORIDA JUDGE WHO THE FORMER PRESIDENT APPOINTED
AGREED TO HELP HIM STALL THE D.O.J. BY RULING THAT THE
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS SHOULD BE REVIEWED BY A "SPECIAL
MASTER"-- SPECIFICALLY, JUDGE RAYMOND DEARIE.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT THE TERM "SPECIAL MASTER" DIDN'T COME OFF
AS KINKY ENOUGH, MEET "SPECIAL MASTER DEARIE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS SWEET GRANDMA )
DEARIE. OKAY?
YOU CRAWL INTO THE RED ROOM OF PAIN, YOU CRAWL-- LISTEN HERE,
WORM, LISTEN HERE, WARM. YOU CRAWL INTO THE RED ROOM OF
PAIN AND YOU LICK THE TENNIS BALLS AT THE BOTTOM OF MY
WALKER. OR YOUR ORTHOTICS.
THE. YESTERDAY, JUDGE DEARIE GREW
IMPATIENT WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS.
THE EX-PRESIDENT HAS HERE'S WHY. REPEATEDLY
MADE PUBLIC STATEMENTS CLAIMING THAT HE HAD DECLASSIFIED THE
RECORDS. BUT NEITHER HE NOR HIS LAWYERS
HAVE EVER MADE THOSE SAME ASSERTIONS IN COURT, WHERE THEY
COULD FACE PENALTIES FOR LYING. THE D.O.J., ON THE OTHER HAND,
SAYS ALL THE DOCUMENTS ARE CLASSIFIED, POINTING TO THE
EVIDENCE THAT THE DOCUMENTS ALL SAY "CLASSIFIED."
THE EX-PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS,
THESE 'DECLASSIFIED'?" AND THEN THEY SAID, "WE CAN'T
TELL YOU IF THOSE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS ARE CLASSIFIED OR
DECLASSIFIED, AND WE CAN'T TELL YOU WHY WE CAN'T TELL YOU, 'CUZ
JUDGE DEARIE DID NOT GO FOR IT'S CLASSIFIED." THE
WHOLE NOT-GONNA-ANSWER-YOU THING, SAYING "YOU CAN'T HAVE
YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT." WELL, HOLD ON. IN THIS CASE,
THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE. BECAUSE AT MAR-A-LAGO, AS SOON
AS THE EX-PRESIDENT FINISHES HIS PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE, WHAT
DOES HE GET? >> THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF
CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
>> Stephen: WITH ALL THIS BAD NEWS, THE EX-PRESIDENT NEEDS A
AND, APPARENTLY, HE GETS IT LITTLE PICK-ME-UP. OUT
ON THE LINKS, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED FROM THE "NEW YORK
TIMES'" MAGGIE HABERMAN, THAT EVER SINCE HE'S BEEN OUT OF
AIDES HAS BEEN TASKED WITH OFFICE, A ROTATING CAST OF FOLLOWING
HIM AROUND THE GOLF COURSE AND GIVING HIM POSITIVE
REINFORCEMENT FROM TWITTER.
THAT IS JUST SAD! THAT IS SO PATRETTIC.
( AS AIDE )
MR. PRESIDENT, 'CUZ LOOKS LIKE @Q-PATRIOT-LINDA-845 SAYS, 'YOU
HAVE MUCH STRONGER ARMS THAN PRESIDENT BRANDON, HASHTAG -MAGA,
LITTLEMERMAID.'" >> Louis: HASHTAG-NOT-MY- WOW, WOW, WOW,
REALLY? #
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO FLATTER THE FORMER
PRESIDENT, VLADIMIR PUTIN. TODAY, VLAD ANNOUNCED A MAJOR
ESCALATION IN HIS INVASION OF UKRAINE IN A RARE ADDRESS
PEOPLE. PUTIN GAVE HIS ADDRESS DIRECTLY TO THE RUSSIAN FROM WHAT
BASEMENT REC ROOM WHERE HE APPEARS TO BE RUSSIA'S KEEPS HIS
COLLECTION OF USED PHONES FROM 1987.
( LAUGHTER )
300,000 RESERVISTS, INCLUDING MEN AND WOMEN AGED 18 TO 60
THAT MIGHT CHANGE THE ENERGY YEARS OLD. ON
THE BATTLEFIELD:
SECOND. I GOTTA FINISH THIS WORDLE.
I'M GONNA START WITH "AIOLI." NO CAN THE CRAVE."
DAMN IT! I FORGOT MY C-PAP MACHINE.
ALEXA? SET UP A REMINDER TO GET UP
THREE TIMES TO PEE!" PUTIN IS SO DESPERATE FOR
REINFORCEMENTS, HE'S RESORTED TO SENDING VOLUNTEERS TO THE FRONT
LINE WITH LITTLE TRAINING. YOU CAN SPOT THE NEWBIES RIGHT
AWAY, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE DRIVING A TANK.
PUTIN'S ANNOUNCEMENT SEEMS TO HAVE REALLY RESONATED WITH THE
RUSSIAN PEOPLE, BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER HE SPOKE, FLIGHTS LEAVING
RUSSIA SOLD OUT. AND, REPORTEDLY, RUSSIAN
AIRLINES HAVE BEEN ORDERED TO STOP SELLING TICKETS TO RUSSIAN
MEN BETWEEN 18 TO 65.
I WANT TO GO TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE A GREAT RECIPE FOR EMPANADA.
IS POTATO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LAST MONTH, HE RESTORED A MILLION-RUBLE AWARD ESTABLISHED
BY STALIN IN 1944 FOR WOMEN WHO GIVE BIRTH TO 10 OR MORE
CHILDREN, CALLED THE "MOTHER HEROINE AWARD."
BECAUSE AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO 10 OR MORE CHILDREN, THOSE MOTHERS
ARE GONNA WANT SOME HEROIN. BUT THE MOBILIZATION WAS THE
SPEECH, BECAUSE HE WARNED LIGHTER PART OF PUTIN'S "THOSE WHO TRY
TO BLACKMAIL US WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS SHOULD KNOW THAT THE
PREVAILING WINDS CAN TURN IN THEIR DIRECTION," ADDING,
"THIS IS NOT A BLUFF." FIRST OF ALL, GULP.
SECOND, PEOPLE WHO AREN'T BLUFFING GENERALLY DON'T SAY,
"THIS IS NOT A BLUFF." I WANT TO PLAY CARDS WITH THAT
GUY, BECAUSE I THINK HE'S ALREADY LOST A FEW HANDS OF
STRIP POKER.
( APPLAUSE )
"THIS IS THE BBC." PUTIN ALSO ANNOUNCED HE HAS
PLANS TO HAVE THE RUSSIAN-OCCUPIED PARTS OF
UKRAINE HOLD IMMINENT VOTES ON JOINING RUSSIA.
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT MAIL-IN BALLOTS BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY,
RUSSIAN OFFICIALS WOULD GO DOOR TO DOOR WITH THE POLICE TO
ENCOURAGE PEOPLE "FREED FROM NAZISM" TO VOTE.
'CUZ NOTHING SAYS "FREE FROM NAZISM" LIKE POLICE BANGING ON
EVERY DOOR AND GOING: "OPEN UP!
LET US IN AND TELL US HOW IT'S NOT THE NAZIS! HAPPY
YOU ARE THAT WE'VE INVADED YOU! OR ELSE WE'LL GIVE YOU A
STICKER." WE'VE GOT A GREAT HIGH-CALIBER 'I VOTED' SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE OLIVIA WILDE AND
UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTER DMYTRO KULEBA.
STICK AROUND, WON'T YOU.