Translator: Ellie Wilson Reviewer: Michele Gianella
Dear Alice, what does self-care really mean?
I'm Alice,
and my daily mission
is to guide people on their path of personal growth and discovery.
Today, I want to answer that question.
For years, I have tried to please others,
thinking that it was always the right thing to do.
But is it really?
When I was 25, I graduated with a degree in Engineering,
not because I was particularly interested in the subject,
but because I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth something.
I wanted it so badly.
I did everything I could, ignoring my own needs
in order to get the degree
in three semesters instead of the usual four.
On graduation day,
I thought I’d be the world’s happiest person:
Instead, I felt nothing. It was like I was numb.
And in that moment, I also realised that I was not on the right path for me
and I had disappointed my friends and family on the way
because I was never there.
I never had time or energy.
I was too busy achieving someone else's goal.
At one point in my life
my then boyfriend who I was living with
asked me to cook with him and for him every night,
even though he knew how much I hated cooking.
It seemed like the most important thing in our relationship.
I did it for years,
thinking that my sacrifice would make him happy.
But I was wrong, because over the years
it just caused my resentment towards him to increase
until we were arguing every night.
And we ended up breaking up.
In the last four years I have had two wonderful children.
But there have also been a lot of times, during the last four years,
that I’ve neglected myself for them,
motivated by the belief
that a good mother doesn’t think about herself.
This was counterproductive
because after weeks or months
of me neglecting myself and my values,
I would start to have less patience with them.
Even the simplest of things,
like telling a bedtime story, became a burden.
In those moments, I don’t feel like I’m the mother I want to be.
These three stories about graduation, my boyfriend that I was cooking for
and motherhood
seemingly have nothing in common.
But yet, in all three situations,
because of my desire to please others and really be there for them,
I ended up hurting both myself
and the people closest to me.
Have you ever woken up one day
and realised that you’re living your life based on what other people want
rather than what you really want?
It’s happened to me several times.
That’s because we often make decisions, and take action, for the wrong reasons.
Like when I chose my degree
to fulfil someone else’s expectations,
only to harm myself in the process
by not having energy or time for the things that really mattered,
wasting years on a path that wasn’t really mine.
Or when I used to cook every night, driven by a strong sense of duty,
even though it wasn’t in my nature at all
and even though I had a lot more to give in the relationship,
until my resentment grew so much
that I hurt the person I was close to.
Or because of guilt, a guilt that is often not real,
like the desire to stay a woman, as well as a mother.
However, this guilt weighs so heavily on our conscience,
all because society has persuaded us about certain things,
like how a good mother sacrifices herself to the point of exhaustion.
We’ve been brought up to believe that being selfless
involves putting the expectations, needs and values of others
before our own.
I'm not so convinced anymore.
On the plane, before take-off,
we are reminded that, in case of emergency,
we have to put on our own oxygen mask
before helping other people.
They don’t say this for no reason as we can’t go anywhere without oxygen.
We can’t be there for ourselves or others,
just like a student who chooses the wrong degree course
will never become brilliant enough to have an impact in their field.
Or like how a man or woman who aren’t themselves in a relationship
could never be good partners.
Or like how a mother who is exhausted, unsatisfied or unhappy
could never be a good example for her children.
In order to really be there for others and have a positive impact on their lives,
we must first be there for ourselves
and have a positive impact on our own life,
bringing ourselves satisfaction and happiness.
This is where the concept of self-care comes in.
You will have heard people saying, “take care of yourself”.
But, there is a lot of misleading information on the subject.
Really, taking care of yourself does not mean getting massages,
or drinking green detox juices.
Self-care means choosing to build a life
that we don’t want to run away from every two minutes.
It means choosing to live a life
where we are present and important
to ourselves and others.
When we feel unsatisfied, lost or sad,
we are often forced to deal with our inner discomfort,
leaving us without energy for others.
Have you ever met someone
who wants to run away from their life and be there for others?
I haven't.
But above all,
every time I felt like running away from my life,
I wasn't there for the people I loved.
That’s the point. Self-care is having the courage
to please yourself before trying to please others.
It involves daring to show your true self
without needing to be more to feel more loved by other people.
Self-love involves understanding what really moves us,
allowing us to make the decisions and shape the life that we want to have.
Last but not least,
it involves living a life we choose instead of a life others choose for us,
so we can create space, time and energy
to be there for our loved ones, when they really need it.
You might be wondering how you can do this.
There are three key steps.
Firstly, find out what your key values are.
Values are our North Stars.
They show us the right way, guide us and motivate us.
Everyone has their own values which they deem to be essential.
There are no right or wrong values.
Pay attention. As you can see on this slide,
values and goals are different.
Values involve our way of life
whilst goals involve situations that we want to create.
For example, graduating is a goal and flexibility is a value.
When you are following your own values,
you can tell because you feel completely at peace with yourself.
When things get hard, you won’t feel lost.
Your life will still make sense.
When you are aware of your five main values,
you'll always be able to rely on them
during the most challenging decisions
You’ll start to feel less guilty,
because you’ll realise that there’s nothing wrong with being yourself.
For some people, this means quitting a steady job,
breaking up with someone,
working harder, working less,
deciding not to have children,
or leaving to go volunteering
in a faraway, dangerous place.
So the real first step to self-care
involves pinpointing our values,
because they help us create a life we don’t want to escape.
But, how can we identify our values?
Close your eyes and remember an extremely happy moment in your life.
What was that moment like?
What was going on?
Maybe it was during an adventurous trip.
If so, adventure may be one of your values.
Now go back with your mind to a difficult moment in your life.
You might have been trapped in a job that didn’t fit you.
What were you looking for?
More freedom? More recognition? More flexibility?
This is the starting point
to help you discover your key values.
Now, you can move on to the second step,
which involves listening to your needs.
There are three main areas in all of our lives.
These include work,
our relationships
and our health.
Now, imagine having an oxygen tank for each area.
You need these tanks to be full
in order to breathe in all of these areas.
Any time you do anything that goes against your key values,
the oxygen level decreases.
What happens then?
We feel suffocated.
This is when we start getting irritated and angry.
This is why it is essential for us
to listen to our needs.
I’ll give you an example.
One of my key values is growth.
If I ended up in a dead-end job
or a very static project,
my need for evolution, research and transformation
would probably come to the surface.
What would happen if I ignored this?
It would make me suffer
but it would also harm the company I’m working for.
Why?
Well, because I’m not giving my all.
It would also affect my colleagues
as they would have to make up for my underperformance.
And last but not least,
it would probably also affect my private life,
my husband and my children.
So, it is essential that we listen to our needs
and that we are brave enough and we find the time
to ensure that our needs are met
so that we can fill our oxygen tanks
and breathe again.
You may wonder how you can do this
when we have such frantic, chaotic lives
and we don’t seem to have any time for ourselves.
The third step makes it possible. This is learning to say no.
‘No’ is a short word.
The sound alone makes us shiver.
It’s very hard to say no
because we worry about letting people down.
We worry about not being able to please others.
We worry about being judged, losing an opportunity
or being labelled as selfish.
We’re afraid that saying no will make us feel less loved,
respected or acknowledged.
For me, it used to be extremely hard to say no,
but I felt weaker every time I said ‘yes’.
I lost my personality over time, by mindlessly saying yes.
It is by saying no that we forge our own boundaries
and these boundaries protect ourselves and others.
Saying no really means saying yes to something else.
This was the thought that changed my perspective.
So, I learnt to say no,
as I learnt that a no
is a yes to something else that is truly meaningful to me.
I even realised that people still love you after you say no.
And I realised that the most important relationships,
the most stimulating projects, and the biggest opportunities
need our attention.
But pure and focused attention, not occasional attention.
Let’s go back to our initial question.
What does self-care really mean?
True self-care is embracing the fact that we are responsible
for our own happiness
before other people’s happiness.
We can’t afford to let our life slip away
and lose ourselves to fulfil the needs and expectations of others.
We really can’t allow this
as it will ultimately cause the opposite,
which is us having nothing else to give.
We should all know
that the oxygen in our tanks doesn’t last forever.
We need this oxygen
to love, to create relationships, to live and to work.
And I even heard
that taking care of yourself first is a selfish act.
Well, if breathing
and being there for others means being selfish,
long live this healthy selfishness
that paves the way for the purest selflessness.
Otherwise, we won’t be able to breathe
and if we can’t breathe, we can’t be there for anyone at all.
We want a better world, don't we?
Let’s start right now
by focusing on what we can really control:
taking care of ourselves.
Thank you.
(Applause)