you're too kind
I'm following the president
oh this is so exciting um big week big
week ladies and gentlemen the new iPhone
is out yeah I have a love-hate
relationship with my iPhone I basically
think that smartphones have got too
smart for their own good I miss having a
dumb phone do you know the phone I miss
every day of my life
the Nokia 3310 its Maps and it's GPS
crap the Nokia 3310 give a man all he
needed stop watch calculator and snake
squirrel eating else there was no
pretension with the Nokia 3310 as well
predictive text messaging on the 3310 oh
it was bliss do you remember that if you
tried to type in a word to the 3310 that
was more than four letters long it would
just give up yeah you want use
fancy-pants language like that you're on
your own mate not the iPhone when is the
iPhone get this vocabulary it doesn't
matter what you type in a n did you mean
androgynous it's very nice to be it's
very nice to be here New York is very
nice to be anywhere right now yeah
back home we're going through quite a
nasty divorce right now called brexit
and I want to take this opportunity on
behalf of my nation too Thank You
America I want to thank you from the
bottom of our hearts we owe you a huge
debt of thanks because we woke up after
brexit and I'm not going to lie we
thought that is it we are screwed we are
now going to be the most ridiculed
nation on the planet and then last
November you guys weren't called my beer
[Applause]
there are some angry people in this
country right now oh my god you're
living in a country where there were
people that boycotted Disney's Beauty
and the Beast because it had a gay
character in it yeah the Christian Right
were up in arms a gay character in
Beauty and the Beast they were like it's
against God's law the film is about a
girl shagging a buffalo
I love Disney I love Disney but I've
been tested my love of Disney has been
tested this year earlier on this year I
stayed over here they messed up my hotel
booking and I had to stay in the Disney
hotel for a month of my life as a grown
man I nearly turned into Jack Nicholson
from The Shining because it is too much
Disney at the Disney Hotel there's
Disney Music in every elevator there's
Disney characters on the walls and the
bed linen Disney characters embroidered
onto all of the towels in the bathroom
yes I know that sounds sweet until
you're drying your testicles on the face
of the old man from up teabagging and
leaving senior citizen like oh I'm sorry
about your wife
Disney characters that work at the hotel
as members of staff that by company
policy are not allowed to break
character at any point during your stay
have you got any idea how annoying that
is you check in and Goofy's on reception
walk into the restaurant Donald Duck's
doing teppanyaki I can pinpoint though
the exact moment that my child had died
I'd been there for two weeks I was in my
room I was tired I was alone I called
down to the front desk Mickey Mouse
answers the phone hey buddy what can I
do for you today Mickey I need to
activate the porn channels on my TV
in a child's dead you don't want this
interaction these are your childhood
heroes arguing with Simba at the front
desk about your itemized bill listen
mate I want to speak with someone more
senior fetch me Mufasa ladies and
gentlemen thank you very much that means
that way
[Applause]
you