-We here at "Late Night," we have a lot of expenses
to cover the cost of the show. You know this.
-It's so expensive. -It's so expensive.
And so we took on some pretty terrible sponsors
to pay for those costs, sponsors we aren't proud of,
sponsors that I'm ashamed we took money from.
Because we did, we now have to mention them on the air.
So I'd like to apologize in advance
for some of our terrible sponsors.
And thank you so much for staying out for this.
-Oh, I mean -- I just want to help you get through this.
-Thank you. [ Laughter ]
"Late Night" is brought to you by Bug Beds,
beds for your bedbugs.
If you give them their own bed, they won't need yours.
Bug Beds -- Don't let your bedbugs bug up your bed.
Get those buggers Bug Beds.
Beds for bugs, from the makers of moth sweaters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh. You're really good at talking.
[ Both laugh ]
-Next up, Keg-Nog.
Finally, egg nog in the size you've always wanted -- a keg.
[ Laughter ]
And you better finish it fast,
'cause it's alcohol mixed with dairy,
so it will turn. [ Laughter ]
Keg-Nog, 'cause nothing says happy holidays
like grandma doing a keg stand.
[ Laughter ]
Do you want to do this next one?
-Oh, yeah, I'd love to. We're al--
We're also sponsored by Poops! I Did It Again.
[ Laughter ]
The only laxative personally endorsed by Britney Spears.
The new and improved laxative from the makers of
[bleep] Me Baby One More Time.
[ Laughter ]
-And don't forget about Cabbage Patch Adults.
Remember the Cabbage Patch Kids?
Well, they're all grown up, and they need a place to live.
It's Cabbage Patch Adults.
They're 6 feet tall, out of a job, and ugly as a foot.
-Oh, no! That's my boyfriend!
-Oh, no! [ Laughter ]
Up next, you've heard of cage-free chickens.
Well, now there's free-cage chickens --
Chickens in a cage, for free. [ Laughter ]
Come pick them up on the corner of 36th and 10th.
It's impossible to miss,
'cause they're in a cage and angry as hell.
Free-cage chickens -- They're a cluckin' steal!
[ Laughter ] Want to do this one?
-Yeah. Don't forget about all-thong sandals.
Now you can have a piece of plastic between every toe.
[ Laughter ]
Keep those piggies away from each other -- in style.
-Next up, is that little guy on top of your bowling -- wait.
Next up. Next up, comma --
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Hey, look, it's one of those guys
that corrects people's grammar! [ Laughter ]
-Next up, is that little guy
on the top of your bowling trophy getting lonely?
Get him a Trophy Wife,
a wife for the guy on top of your trophy.
Trophy wives -- now he's winning at bowling and life.
-[ Laughs ] -Want to do this one?
-We're also sponsored by
The Book Club of the Month Club Club.
-What? [ Laughter ]
-It's not my show. [ Laughter ]
Had enough of Debbie saying she's just like Madame Bovary?
Conk her on the head with this Book of the Month Club club.
-Next up, the English -- What? You did it.
-I just got it. -You just got it?
[ Laughter ]
We missed that about you here. -Yeah.
-Is you would do the entire show,
and then one of the writers would get it right at the end.
-Yeah. [ Both laugh ]
Ah!
-Next up, the English to Portuguese to Dutch translator.
Don't speak Portuguese or Dutch
but want to know how a Dutch person would translate
English phrases after hearing them in Portuguese?
Then, this is the app for you.
Be warned -- If you want to know how to say things in Dutch,
this is not the app for you.
This is just for finding out how certain phrases sound
after they've been translated into Portuguese
and then into Dutch.
To be clear, this app takes your phrase,
translates it into Portuguese, keeps that part a secret,
takes that translation, and translates it into Dutch.
The English to Portuguese to Dutch translator.
Itsa dotsta neet-machina!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Applause break. You ever have --
Have you ever had an applause break?
-Soak it in, Seth! Soak it in!
-Also, Unlucky Charms Cereal.
Black cats, red ladders, silver broken mirrors
and blue 13s.
Frosted Unlucky Charms.
♪♪ They magically will kill you ♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Solo athletic cup.
Solo's branching out. [ Audience groans ]
Now Solo cups can support you both while you're getting drunk
and while you're getting tackled.
Solo athletic cups -- available in regular and Paul Ryan.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And, uh...
We were -- We want to pull one of the classics out.
In all of the times we did "Bad Sponsors"
when Michelle was here, this was your favorite one.
So we're gonna let you do it one last time.
-[ Laughing ]
-Tampoons!
[ Laughter ]
Finally, a tampon you can shoot like a harpoon!
[ Laughter ]
I love this one.
It's the time of the month -- for adventure.
[ Laughter ]
Tampoons! Thar she blows!
-That's it for our "Bad Sponsors."
Here are some of the good ones. [ Cheers and applause ]