-Our next guest has his stand-up special,
"Downhill Ever Since," available on YouTube.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Raanan Hershberg.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you. Thank you so much.
How are you all doing? Huh?
[ Cheers and applause ] Great.
So I've been sober now for five years. Yeah. Yeah.
[ Applause ]
It's actually been a couple weeks,
but it feels like five years.
[ Laughter ] No. It's been a while.
But even when I wasn't sober,
there were some drugs I never did.
Like, I hate edibles. They're my least favorite drug.
'Cause every edible instruction is always the same
and it's always nonsense.
It's always someone handing you a cookie and being like,
"Only do half!"
[ Laughter ]
"Do not do more than half! Just half!"
It's like, "Excuse me.
I never had half a cookie in my life."
[ Laughter ]
Never!
[ Applause ]
I've either had zero cookies or all the cookies.
There's no in-between with cookies.
If you want me to have half of something,
how about you don't put the marijuana in a dessert?
How about that? Right?
Don't put it in a brownie or a gummy.
I'll do half a weed carrot.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I don't want to brag,
but I can do half a carrot, no problem.
I never once had half a carrot and been like,
"Get this away from me before I eat the whole thing!"
[ Laughter ]
Now that I'm sober, I have no tolerance.
That's what happens.
I used to do drugs till the dawn.
Now if I see someone drinking coffee after 2:00,
I'm like, "Take a look at Keith Richards over here."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"What is that? Cold brew? Are you out of your mind?
Do you need an intervention right now?"
But I'm also getting older. You know, I'm 37.
A lot of people think I'm younger
'cause I've had so few accomplishments.
But I'm --
[ Laughter ]
And it's hard to get old, too.
It really is. Especially in America.
It is hard to get old.
Once you turn 75 in America,
you do not have a lot of options.
You really don't.
You can either be put into a nursing home
or run every aspect of government.
Yeah.
[ Applause ]
Those are the only options.
All of you have to make a choice at 75.
Do you want to play bingo all day long
or do you want to pass legislation
that will have no effect on your life whatsoever?
I thought as I get older,
I'd get less anxious, and that is not the case.
I'm a huge hypochondriac, and my twin sister is, too,
but she's, like, a cocky kind.
Like, she recently saw a couple moles on my back.
And this is how cocky she is.
She said, "A couple of those moles look suspicious,
but you should probably get a second opinion."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "No offense, but I do not consider
what you just said a first opinion."
[ Laughter ]
"Who do you think you are?" The gall.
You know how crappy that'd be if I went to my doctor
and I was like, "I was just with my twin sister,
and now I'm here for a second opinion.
And after you, I'm gonna talk to my mailman,
and he's gonna break the tie.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Why are you crying, Doctor?"
Anyway, she was a little insulted
'cause she's a dermatologist.
But I still feel strongly...
[ Laughter ]
...that she was being condescending!
My mom is getting up there. My mom is in her 70s.
And she's kind of losing it. Like, recently, one of
my paychecks accidentally got mailed to her.
And she had to deposit it into my banking mobile account.
And this is 100% true.
I'm on the phone with her, and she goes,
"Alright. To get into your account,
there's a security question!"
And I'm like, "What's the security question?"
And she goes, "What city was your mother born in?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Are you telling me I'm adopted or that you have dementia?
What's going on?"
Now isn't it terrifying to think that in only ten years --
in only ten years, she'll be ready to run for president?
[ Laughter and applause ]
My mom loves to speak in clichés.
She said my favorite cliché the other day.
She said, "I can't believe it's already January!"
[ Laughter ]
Really?
That's the thing
in these last insane couple of years
that you have trouble believing?
That's the part, out of all the improbable stuff
that has happened?!
Kanye West ran for president!
[ Laughter and applause ]
That wasn't a dream. That happened.
Rudolph Giuliani got brought down by Borat.
[ Laughter ]
A fictional character.
That's like Austin Powers arresting Mike Pence.
[ Laughter ]
There was a coup on the Capitol
that looked like if the French Revolution
was re-enacted by Carnival Cruise passengers.
[ Laughter ]
And out of all that, the thing my mom
has to pinch her cheek about
is that time -- are you ready for this --
moves forward.
I can't wait till aliens land.
I'm gonna be like, "Mom, can you believe this?"
And she's gonna be like, "I know! Hanukkah already?!"
I'm Raanan Hershberg. You've all been so wonderful.
Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Fantastic, dude.
♪♪
Raanan Hershberg!
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Downhill Ever Since" is available right now on YouTube.