What's up, dorks? Get in here, we're doin' robots!
So, the Transformers live action movie machine has roared back into life
with Rise of the Beasts and its metal menagerie looming in the near distance
and the slow-burn thrum of fandom buzz has gone and got me all wistful for the Michael Bay movies.
Look, we talk a lot of smack on those things
but they remain a major pillar in the Transformers media monolith
and I'm not immune to their nihilistic, douchey allure!
And somewhere in amongst the sprawling tie-in toylines,
I've discovered a wealth of disparate low-key faves I've been dying to talk to you about for ages
so I'm feeling a month-long miniseries comin' on!
That's right, baby! Time to crack open a Bud Light,
turn up some mid-period Linkin Park and get all misty-eyed about the military.
Welcome to Baypril!
(gunfire) (airhorns) (explosions)
And first on the creepy unsanctioned black ops vivisection slab -
my desk -
is a jank icon so sketchy it somehow turns the face of the franchise into an outlier underdog.
This is Transformers - the first one - Voyager-class Optimus Prime!
Now then, you may know that we've chatted at some length about the '07 selection's B-listers -
the filler characters, the second-tier subliners -
but have you considered what an absolute hashbag the mainline was?
What a mishmash of mismatched size classes and suspect degrees of success?
I mean, there was plenty of good stuff in there, but these were clearly toys produced by a rattled design team
who were not ready for THIS level of visual mayhem
and who can blame them?
Who WOULD have been?
So we wound up with a lot of ugly, unwieldy figures that just barely echoed the on-screen characters.
Like, how is Jazz dumpier than Hound?
And Voyager Optimus Prime is by far my favourite example of that kind of close-enough culture!
Like, it is obviously Optimus Prime, ask anyone,
but it has so little respect for how it was meant to look that it practically forks off into a different reality!
Because this was not the main Optimus toy in '07, was it?
It was all about the Leader class one!
That massive, spectacular flagship flashbang of noise and lights and hype
and there was the waste of pocket money that was the Legends class toy,
probably the most miserable little mankbag I've seen in my life,
so it really was all or nothing.
Forty-nine quid and the best Christmas ever
or £3.50 and a kick in the dick.
So there emerged a gap in the market for something in between.
They needed a mainline middleman, just something to cover the 20-quid price point,
and this is what came out!
Ooh, a little droopy today, are we? That's gonna be a constant.
Fine, he's got a bit of a weak foot. So what? Who ain't?
We're all 40.
So yes, the theme is jank. It's friggin' Jank Marvin!
This robot is so weirdly realised. Like, the way it achieves the forms it does is just wild!
Ugh, god, where to begin? The chest, why not?
Like, at first glance, it looks pretty good!
There's plenty of details and components
with the trademark layered windows and engine doobries and gaskets and such
but it's all a fib! It's formed from nothing!
Just a single fake-out plastic flump
with the bulk of the actual vehicle parts all crammed in 'round the back,
all topsy-turvy and back-to-front.
And oh, look! Oh, we're already at the backpack, are we?
Look, it was gonna happen, all right? Let's just put it behind us.
That's gotta be the most infamous feature of big Jank Williams here, and with good reason.
Like, it's literally the whole front third of the lorry just kinda crumpled up a bit.
I mean, it does offer two separate weapon storage solutions, but come on!
It's like enough bulk for a separate guy right there
and it's so spacious and level that you could probably stand another one on top of it,
stack 'em to the ceiling!
What are you, a Lego?
What are you, a Lego? Brick?
Arms are unsettlingly long and gangly, although, are they? Or is it just the hands?
They really are very distracting with the eerie, twig-like fingers and creepy open palms
like that one f**king guy who ALWAYS wants a hug.
Jog on, Salad Fingers.
Shoulders are fun though! Love these weird droopy pads and pathetic attempted clavicle peaks!
Forearms are all flat, rectangular panels and they're always dominated by these twin-tipped dangle blasters.
Check these bloody things out, with the lanky exhaust pipe rifling and fierce firing fuel tanks!
I actually love these, man. They feel very traditionally Transformersy.
Like, I always dig accessories that are more mechanical than military; more car parts than space lasers
like an Alternator. Like an Axelerator!
Alien robots are fun and everything, but I always prefer the angle of "what if a lorry stood up?".
That's what this is giving. It's relatable! It's grounded.
Robots in disguise!
And, God, he even holds them weird!
'Cos check it out, the handles themselves are purely decorative,
and the post is actually on the robot's arm so you plug him into the gun, and not the other way around!
I love that. It's so him!
Like, can't you do anything normal? No!
He gets it done, his way, as inaccurately as possible, and I love it!
Anyway, the legs are NUTS!
They're just huge, long, and meaty! They're like 65% of his height
with Herculean hip joints and gnarly knee bends
and shite ankles, apparently.
(giggles)
Tyres are just defiantly hangin' off the creamy grey thighs
and the truly massive sheet-metal shins forged from stacks of panels
with roof-slab shinguards and nu-metal flame decals!
I've honestly never seen such wanton guesswork in both visuals and construction
and I've never fully understood how the shins are formed.
They just like, clump some bits together and somehow it works.
God, all right! We'll do the feet! Jesus. So needy today!
What are those? Where have these come from?
Those are not Optimus Prime's feet, okay?
But barely any of this is Optimus Prime's anything!
It seems to have been designed whole cloth from a different take.
Maybe they glanced at some very early preliminary movie concept art,
but next to the final design, it's almost distinct enough to be a different guy!
Like, if you told me this was Bayverse Pyro or Sureshot or Ultra Magnus, I'd believe you!
Or like, a later version? Like a redesign à la Combat Hero? That could work!
But it would appear the opposite is true.
This is pure speculation, but I'm guessing this toy looks the way it does 'cos it wasn't finished?
They hadn't nailed down the look yet so this is what happened.
But one thing they definitely got right is the head!
Look at that loaf, it's just bang on!
Ecstatically executed with quality, curvy details, that magnificent mouthplate,
and blue eyes to hypnotise from the golden age of light piping!
So, do you see what I mean? There's a lot to love and a lot to be confused by about Thomas the Jank Engine here.
Although, can it even be said to be jank if everything works?
Nothing here is correct, but nothing here is broken.
I mean, as a toy, it's great!
It feels awesomely heavy and strong, the joints are plentiful and powerful,
there's loads to do, it's a good time!
It's a very transitional toy. It encapsulates the early days of Bayverse
while maintaining the spirit of what Transformers had been in the mid 2000s.
It's definitely got one foot in the Cybertron/Classic ethos
with its chunky construction and spring-loaded surprises
just, with a smattering of superficial Bayverse cosmetics,
and the resultant clash of styles is as jarring as it is disarmingly enjoyable!
This thing almost doesn't care what line it's in or even what character it is!
It prioritises being a toy and everything else can do one.
Chad moves.
So the transformation on big Jank Sinatra here is the core of the toy. The centre of its appeal.
It is so much fun!
The head flips over on, like, an ironing board,
the arms swoop around on the shoulder joints in like three directions,
even the backpack feels awesome to unfold on those heavy, thunky joints,
and that big leg fold-and-slap is one of my favourite bits of transformation ever!
I always wanna do it again right away and it is so inaccurate to the movie!
Actually, I'm not sure if "inaccurate" is the right word. It's just incorrect. Unrelated!
It's like they watched the transformation in the film, and they were like
"Nah".
But it does the job!
The robot is Optimus Prime.
The truck is Optimus Prime.
What happens in the middle?
Don't worry about it.
And you can be mad all you want. "Uhh! The windows aren't even the real windows!"
SO? Laser Prime does the same friggin' thing and you all love that one so much.
Pick a hill!
And the truck mode's wonderful!
It's a truck! It's perfect. I dunno. Look at it. Flawless!
Just so clean and chunky with slick, unbroken lines,
good weight, minimal undercarriage - Transformer trucks don't get much better!
And maybe that's because the whole front chunk of it basically doesn't transform,
but have you considered crying about it?
Results is results!
'Cos check it out! That whole front portion -
- is perfectly poised and ruthlessly regular,
resplendent in raging red with those appropriately meathead tats
burning of that battering ram of a grill with bonus headlightpiping!
Windows are as blue as the horizon we're truckin' toward,
smokestacks are blazin', with the fuel tanks stashed underneath
and only occasionally firing off on their own.
Tyres are huge and textured, with a motion that reminds us why this man's catchphrase is "roll out".
(Optimus Prime voice) Doot-de-doo, doot doo-de-doot doo.
Couple of gimmicks on the go -
like, we can flip the weapons out for an illusion-breakingly daft assault mode
but I'd rather not,
and check this out - this is literally amazing!
So if you look real close, you'll see this little plastic dude sat in the driver's seat.
That's neat, right? Very rarely see that.
But watch this. If we just pop this door open -
oh - he's gone!
He just flips in the back wall, look at that!
And then pops back out when you shut it.
(giggles) Come on, that's the coolest shit ever!
I do appreciate the single-colour T-1000-y vibe, as well.
Like, it's so simple, but isn't that great? It's like a little built-in movie scene!
"Sir, I'll need you to step out of the-" "Whuh? Where'd he go!?"
[transformation noise] "Have no fear!"
"Oh my god"! It's great!
That's one of my favourite Transformery features ever
and that's the second time I've said that in this video. What a toy!
Does it all! Looks great, feels good, puts on a show,
maybe it's a little stumpy at the back, but it's awesome!
Best Movie Optimus ever. Studio series has got nothing!
You're not telling me THAT's better!
Come on!
Shut up.
This, for me, is a perfect '07 movie toy moment.
It's a sterling example of how diminished the designs were when translated into plastic,
how daft they looked on the shelf, and how much fun they still were.
And there's very little about Jank Bruno here that makes it special!
There are better Optimus Primes.
There are better Voyager Optimus Primes, better Bayverse Optimus Primes,
better Voyager Bayverse Optimus Primes,
but I like this one.
It's got that reckless contrarian charm that just lights me up!
It's a testament to achieving the result at any cost.
It breaks every rule in defiance of the designer's intent
and just wants you to have fun.
Screw the style guide. Eat shit, logic.
F**k the CAD model! Let's party!
So huge thanks to Ethan Wright for slingin' this thing at me!
Big ups to you for watching!
I do hope you'll join me again soon for more Baypril if we can keep it going.
Might even bleed over into next month. "Maypril"? Does that work?
And until then, we are waiting.
(sings) Whaaaat I've dooone!
I'll face myself!
(a capella guitar riff)
(clears throat)
Whayyy, lovely stuff! Am I making these for anyone but me at this point?
Yes, because look at the patrons! They love what I do and I love them too.
In a strictly platonic business-like sense, of course.
Big thanks to everybody and a special patron shoutout to Blunderdome!
That's what I did after a night at the pub. I blundered 'ome.
Thank you mate! Means a lot. Appreciate ya!
End of video. Toodl-
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Limited appeal, keeping it real.