- Thank you for being here
and thank you for being people I don't know.
(audience laughs)
Strangers.
Finally.
Oh, it's so good to see strangers.
They've always given me hope, you know.
As a kid, they're very scary.
Cause you're just like, oh no.
Maybe someone will take me away from like everything I know
and love.
But as an adult, you're just like, oh, can you?
(audience laughs)
I didn't know that was an option.
It's so nice to have people look at. Cause then
you don't look at your phone.
Isn't that nice?
They make us sad, huh?
I think our phones make us sad
because they give us like too much information to process at
once. Like you'll go to check the time,
and your phone will be like, oh.
(audience laughs)
We've been expecting you.
Yeah. We got two texts from your crush, okay.
We got an Instagram comment from your ex.
You're gonna need a sign for that.
And we got a low balance alert in your checking.
Nope. Savings. Nope. Both.
Oh, and the planet is burning.
No, browning. No, both.
Oh, and as for the time, you have less.
(audience whoops and applauds)
And that's just the lock screen!
There hasn't been a lot to do,
aside from look at your phone for the last 18 months.
At the beginning of the pandemic,
I tried board games.
I tried playing Clue.
Don't play that.
Don't play that in a pandemic.
Yeah.
It's not very fun to play a game where you just guess how
people die.
I think it was Ms. Scarlet with the rope.
It's like, hmm.
It was Professor Plum and he was asymptomatic.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's the game, baby.
(audience laughs)
I've been pretty good at the pandemic actually.
I've been --
- - yeah. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I've been very good at it because I'm a rule follower.
And so, I mean, it has been our season.
Step aside bad boys.
It's the golden age of the goody two shoes.
The renaissance for the tattletale now.
Get in line, there's no cuttin'.
It was incredible. I mean, at some point
we were just putting rules on other rules,
right? They said you got to wear a mask.
I was like, no problem.
They were like, actually two.
I was like, ooh, you're bad.
(audience laughs)
I feel like I was raised to be good at lockdown because
growing up, I wasn't allowed to do anything ever at all.
Like I would say I was sheltered,
but that's an understatement.
Like I was bunkered.
This is my first boy girl party.
We really weren't allowed to do anything at all.
Like my sister and I weren't allowed to participate in
petting zoos.
So we'd just watch.
Do you know how sad that is?
Like a four year old boy and his seven year old sister,
just like
(medieval accent) "sister, what do you think fur
feels like?"
We had those accents 'cause in the bunker
we were taught the Queen's English.
We weren't allowed to do anything 'cause
my mom was a worrier, but never in like a helpful way.
Right? She was never like, well, don't forget your lunch.
She was like, well, don't forget -
30% of accidents happen within a mile of the home.
Her fears manifested as like math class word problems.
She'd be like, "if you leave the house at 7:00 AM
and a train leaves DC at 8:00 AM,
at what time will I be convinced you'll be hit by it?
(audience laughs)
My mom was a worrier, my dad was a preparer.
That was their balance.
And I think he overdid it a few years ago.
Cause he bought grave plots for me and my sister,
my mom and my dad.
What a relief, to know that in the end I'll move back in.
(audience laughs)
I like that story because it also shows how
thorough my dad is.
Right? Like a lot of parents threaten their kids.
Like I brought you into this world. I can take you out.
And my dad is like, and when I do, it'll be to Block B17.
Under the maple.
Not in the shade though, your sister gets the shade.
(audience laughs)
Parents are very tricky.
Yeah. They're very picky too.
Cause growing up they're like you can become anything.
And then you become an atheist and they're like,
"Wait, no."
(audience laughs)
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no fair, no, no."
We meant like a lawyer, and a lawyer who loves God.
I'd say the trickiest parents - that would be fathers,
I would say.
They're tricky, you know?
Cause it's like, we got to save the environment,
but if we get rid of cars, where will we talk to our dads?
(audience laughs)
The phone? Okay, dreamers.
The dinner table? They're not even allowed there.
They're so withholding!
My dad's so withholding at this point, I'm like, okay,
you signed a nondisclosure agreement for everything
you've ever felt.
Nobody else had a boomer dad? No?
I feel like they all signed these emotional NDAs.
Like kids are being born, then a lawyer will whisk
a dad into a side room and be like, how do you feel?
And the dad would be like joy I can never express.
And the lawyer's like "good, 'cause you won't."
I mean obviously I am not my dad's favorite.
Right? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I have proof,
because my dad named a boat after my sister,
and he named no boats after me.
(audience laughs)
And he has two boats.
(audience laughs and applauds)
One's named the Rosie O., and the other is not named.
Which is why it leaves me with no choice, but to be like
"I think we also should defund dads".
Reform isn't enough. Ya know, we gotta reimagine fatherhood.
Life is good. Life good for me.
I live in New York. I like that.
My apartment is in a predominantly black
neighborhood, so I am popular.
(audience laughs)
Oh, some skeptics?
Is that because of the past?
No, I know I'm popular.
I've made a good impression.
I've made a good impression and I know that
because there's a little restaurant
around the corner from my apartment and
they keep the windows open all the time.
And one day I was walking by and there were two black women
and a black guy and I walked past
and the black guy was like, "There's one of them."
Is there a chance they were talking about my race?
No.
So what I have to assume happened
is before I walked past the first one was like,
"(sighs) A lot of white people moving in."
But then the second woman was like,
"But I've heard some of them are good."
(audience laughs)
And then I walked by and the guy was like,
"And there's one of them."
As I walked past in Birkenstocks and a Life is Good hat.
Because for me it is.