I knew I was every day,
oh my god hi everybody I'm Lauren H I'm 23 and I work in retail okay actually
I'm Megan and this is my husband Nick and we've been married for 15 years
making out for 18 thank you sing Nick and Megan I was like holy crap
they're not just on my TVs for anymore they're right in front of me I love
their shows I love like person recreation I love like Will and Grace
I'm a huge fan of both of them today is all about first so we are here to tell
you stories about some memorable firsts in our lives and like any good story we
hope that it's full of adventure and romance and is brought to a rousing
climax my story is called the first time I someone the first time I come on I was
a little nervous I didn't feel confident I wasn't sure if I was there for the
right reasons but I had a little talk with myself a
little pep talk and it turns out that I could do it and I did do it and I went
on to a lot more people so Nick and Megan kind of gave these
stories with a lot of innuendos this is the story of the first time that I
plucked the blossom of a woman I was feeling insecure when I arrived at her
house nick offerman is telling a story about gardening and definitely had a
sexual undertones she helps me part at which point finally I did arrive at
velvety petals of her blossom and I clipped it and it was a beautiful rose
it was very cryptic and unusual in case you're wondering what's gonna happen
today we're here to help you guys tell your own stories about significant earth
in your lives your first kiss your first pet first time you went to jail anything
that really stands out as something that you would like to share what Colton will
kind of let him know more about who you really are and then this evening you're
going to perform your stories in front of an audience of 200 people I think the
goal today is to just give Colton an idea of our personality and give them a
little bit of an insight into who we are outside of the fancy gown I absolutely
hope that at the end of this Colton has a first story that includes me we're
huge fans of you and The Bachelor thank you so tell us who's the crazy one I
don't know it's only been one night I feel like Colton like how's the thing
for me and it could interfere with this season of The Bachelor I would love to
have him around the house yes like it's giving me tips great guy yeah do you
think about this bro
tonight we've heard stories about people's first time doing different
things we are talking about our first and we're doing it in front of 200
people which is nerve-wracking let's get things started Colton will you set aside
to get a glimpse of my past and I want to hear about his past - I want to hear
Colton's story so for most of my adult life I had a secret I was a virgin and
as an athlete I thought I had to fit this mold I made up lies and I was
uncomfortable speaking my truth one day I get to a locker room one of the
veterans asked me he said how many girls have you slept with so i sat there
sweating what's a good lie is it one for ten hundred what am I gonna do it
finally came out him off and I said zero and I didn't know what the reaction was
gonna be and I was expecting to get ridiculed and the first thing that I
heard was wow man that's really cool for so many years I allowed this to be a
burden on my life and it was unnecessary but for the first time I told the truth
about my virginity thank you
well one day I hope to make love to Megan yeah
illustrated manual say someone's gotten through yeah I love the Colton is very
comfortable in her skin that speech especially for a male to do that with
all the stereotypes that go into not only being an athlete but just a male
it's pretty incredible I always dated men my age or maybe just a little bit
older you know like 2-3 13 years older my twenties taught me a lot about life
but now I find myself in my very very early 30s and for the first time dating
a younger man and Colton now it's my turn to teach you a thing or two Elise
and her performance she got out there and she was willing to admit that she
was older in front of everybody I thought she was so afraid for doing that
I was so bold of her I mean there's no advantage to being an older woman here
living in Miami every single guy I've ever dated has either been Cuban
Columbian or like a mix of the two but everything was about to change
because I was about to get the taste of the whitest bread I've everything I
could just feel like Colton looking at me he sees like that good goofy side of
me and he was cranking up the whole time the fact that I made him laugh was extra
good like feeling school dance after school dance went by dateless most of
time I felt invisible fast-forward to the other night that feeling struck back
again and then you Colton handed me one of the most meaningful roses I've ever
received
I was touched by that but it sort of took away from the rows that you gave me
earlier today some of the stories were super sincere this story is about the
first time I felt comfortable in my own skin some of them were a little more
aggressive I grabbed my whistle my lifeguard gear
and I saved him from drowning in some bitches
let me just add there are some thirsty girls here so I had to do it but I can
be aggressive to someone came up to me and blew a whistle actually and said
Colton was drowning in bitches I'm a good swimmer
so my story is the first time I tried to date a virgin it's sophomore year of
college there is this gorgeous fraternity president and come to find
out he's a virgin this other girl in my sorority and I had decided that we both
really liked him and we were going to compete for him Tracy kind of tells like
the most dramatic story I've ever heard and as I start to wake up she punches me
in the face she's caused someone to punch her in the face so can you imagine
what she's capable of here when I got a hold of him he was not a virgin anymore
but it was the best sex he ever had this is not a romantic story whatsoever
our Colton I'd be like please get this girl away from me what morals do we take
from that story well I think that it is a cautionary tale for the other ladies
in the house and so we've come to our final storyteller Deming I'm gonna tell
a story that is going to blow the crowds mind and I just can't wait to make that
crowd fall in love with me so I met this guy at this really crazy party and I
really wanted to kiss him but I was just way too scared usually when I see
something I want I am bold enough to go after it immediately and so I had to
tell myself I'm not waiting any longer when I want something I'm going after it
so immature I'm not gonna lie my stomach was starting to get a little tight and
knots cuz like I didn't want to sit there and see her chest in how I got my
first group date rose
like trust me I want to kiss them just as much as the next girl does but I also
want to establish some type of connection with him so that I'm not just
forcing it on him that is a child ladies and gentlemen
let's hear one more time for cool this date was the craziest thing of my life I
think that tonight I'm gonna have to definitely like show Colton some depth
in me and give him a little more serious side of me I just can't wait to like
grab him and talk to him again then of course get the birthday dress
you