What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers
and their managers live together under one roof?
Players stop being polite
and start getting Real
This is
The Champions
I’m Fellaini
and in this show, I will NEVER cut my hair
Sorry—sorry I’m late
Uh, hello! I’m—
I am very happy for Luka that he won the Ballon d’Or
But mainly that Ronaldo didn’t win! Hahah!
I’m Phil Jones and nobody wants to face me
AND NOBODY WANTS ME FACE!
Robben, can you check your feet?
Make sure you’re on your mark
Oh, sure, yeah
Wait, I have two of these?!
Say, have I ever told you about the time
my partner and I took a picture together with David Beckham?
Get this
it was seven years before we even started courting each other
Oh really?
That’s dope
Easy peasy now, bruv
Just hit this anywhere on the board and we win
Brilliant, Mahrez. Now can you turn the lights back on?
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Neymar!
He’s been murdered!
Oh my dear Neymar
What kind of animal would do this?!
Suarez!
Whoa...OK, hold on.
I’m a biter
That’s my thing
I bite
This guy?
He was stabbed
This is a backstabbing, and who is the biggest backstabber of them all?
Uh
John Terry?
MAURO ICARDI!
If he can take a man’s wife, he can take a man’s LIFE!
And he does it with a knife
and he causes all this strife
OK, hold on. The only crime I am guilty of is falling in love.
OK, yes, with my friend’s wife
and then marrying her and then getting a tattoo of his three kids
OK, yeah, it’s messed up. I get it...
but I only metaphorically backstab
Whoever did this
is someone with a REAL history of violence
Someone like
SERGIO RAMOS!
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
Stop, man
I was with Mo the whole time
It’s true
unfortunately
Nothing else to say
And besides, I have no reason to kill Neymar, unlike Coutinho!
What?
Yes, you!
The dark wizard who wishes to have Neymar’s place
as the crown jewel of El Canarinho!
This is ridiculous! Me? Stop it.
First of all, why is no one accusing Ronaldo?
I mean, it’s a little weird that he’s not here, right?
And we know that—
What I mean is, if anyone wants Neymar out of the way, it’s
Cavani!
It’s no secret they’ve had problems
And it appears he has fixed them
by MURDERING HIM!
Except he did NOT
And how do you know?
Because I am Thomas Muller, the Raumdeuter
also known as the SPACE INVESTIGATOR
I thought it was space interpreter
Well, there’s no proper English translation, but really both are valid
It’s very cool, actually
Room, lock the doors to the Romelu
I mean Romelu, Lukaku the doors
I mean
never mind
I will now investigate this space!
Hey, talk about the MULLER investigation, am I right?
Eh?
You see, it could not be Cavani
Because a cunning murderer like this requires an ELITE attacker
I’m an elite attacker
Ah, you’re very good, but THIS was done by one of the best
OK, well I am definitely one of the best
so I think I should be a suspect
Ze real perpetrator is someone who has worn ze red and blue
but not anymore
You see, zis person shouldn’t even be AT the Champions League house
SHOW YOURSELF, ZLATAN!
It is true! Haha!
I am the best player in the world!
Uh…that is not what I said.
But I am not here to murder
I am here to take what is rightfully mine!
The Ballon d'Or!
Not as easy when you’re not in America anymore, eh?
Enough with this
We all know who the murderer is
It is Paul
Oh my God—enough with the “I hate Paul” act
Hmm
act
Wait
Who was ze the last person Neymar was talking with before he went dead?
I was telling him the story about how I met my fiancée
Ah! I’ve solved ze crime!
Who did it?
Nobody
Because Neymar is not dead
He is merely play-acting!
All to avoid small talk with Harry Kane!
And I would have gotten away with it too
if it weren’t for you pesky Germans and your technical quality!
I shall flop agaaaaain!