-This is how it works.
In front of each of us are two envelopes
containing confessions.
One is true, and the other is a lie.
Once you read the confession,
the two other players get to interrogate you.
They have to come to a unanimous decision --
is it the truth, or it the lie?
Billie, you'll go first.
Colin, which envelope should she open?
-Mm. Uh, 2.
-Mm. Mm-hmm. -This?
-Numero dos.
-Wait.
-Can you open an envelope? -Shut up.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, it's open on the bottom. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. Are you ready for this?
-Okay. All right.
That is a strong... -Strong fake cigarette.
-Um... So, I once farted
in my friend's mouth while she was yawning, and she threw up.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait. What year was this?
♪♪
-Um, it was, um...
I was 12, so it was -- -Last year?
[ Laughter ]
So it was last year. Okay, great.
-It was 2014. -Okay.
-I was 12. -And where were you?
-I was in my yard. -Out back, in your backyard?
-Yeah, my backyard. In my backyard.
-Daytime? -Yeah.
-No, they were at nighttime in the backyard.
What are you -- [ Laughter ]
Do you think it's camping? -Yeah.
-What were you doing? Like, wrestling
or fooling around or doing gymnastics?
-Whoa. -I was -- So, I was --
It was like, there was a table, and she was sitting.
-Oh, please. -I was standing here.
So, she was sitting, like, facing this way.
I was standing here, facing that way.
-Okay. -She was eating.
-And where's the table?
-The table's here, so she was facing the other way.
-Okay. -What was she eating?
-Pizza. -Pizza.
-Daytime pizza. [ Laughter ]
-You want some nighttime pizza? Like...
-That's kind of -- All right.
Kind of running out of time here.
I don't know. We need to ask more questions.
And are you friends with her today?
-Ye-- Sort of. [ Laughter ]
-Was it weird after that?
-It was so funny. -[ Laughs ]
-So funny. -What do you think?
I think... -I think...true.
-Yeah, I think true. I think it sounds
like something weirdly -- -It sucks.
-Is it true? -Yes.
♪♪
-Oh, my God.
But why did you do that? Did you do that --
Why did you do that? Was it on purpose?
-It was silent. Listen, it was silent.
I did not think it would be bad, but, you know,
those are always the worst ones. -Okay, here we go.
-That's the problem. -Which envelope should I open?
Truth or lie? What do you think?
Billie? Colin?
-Uh...one. -Yeah.
-Doesn't matter because I'm such a good actor.
-Well... Whoa.
-Shut up. -Ever see a movie called "Taxi"?
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, here we go.
Oh, I got fired from my job at the supermarket
for pretending to be French.
[ Laughter ]
-When? -This is -- I was 15,
so I'd probably say --
-What was the name of the supermarket?
-Oddly, it was Great American was the name of the supermarket.
-Can you repeat? What happened?
-I got fired from my job for pretending to be French.
-Why were you pretending to be French?
-I was bored. -You were bored.
-I was bored. I was putting stickers
on canned -- canned foods. I was bored.
And people would ask me questions,
and I'd be like, "Non." [ Laughter ]
"Non." And then, sometimes people would ask for something,
I'd go, "You want --"
And I would point to French dressing.
[ Laughter ]
Or if it was around mustard, I would point to French's mustard.
And I think someone ratted on me.
Someone complained, and then they said, "Who did it?"
And then one of my friends ratted on me.
-The French guy, yeah? -Yeah, yeah.
"Who was pretending to be French and not helping people?"
-And then I was like, "I don't know who."
-Sound like a very pretentious 15-year-old, by the way.
[ Laughter ]
-So, you're pretending to not understand them.
-"I don't know. I don't know."
[ Laughter ]
-You were 15. -Yeah.
♪♪
All right. What do you guys think?
-Uh...
-I don't think so.
-Mnh-mnh. I want to say...
It's almost, like, not funny enough to be true.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, you -- Now I'm thinking -- -Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, we agree? -Now I'm thinking it did happen.
-You know what I'm saying? [ Sad trombone ]
-Now you're thinking it did happen because --
-I'm just gonna say it happened.
You can say it didn't so one of us can win.
-Okay, good. -Okay?
-No, I think you have to be unanimous.
-No, no. [ Laughter ]
-I like how you're just playing this game, he goes,
"No, I think you have to be --"
You don't even know the rules of your game.
[ Laughter ] -You have to be unanimous.
Ready? 1, 2, 3 -- yea or nay?
-Yea. -Yea.
-You think yea, it did happen. -I think it did happen.
-Yeah. It did not happen.
-Oh! -You were right!
You should've stuck to your guess!
That's the lesson learned -- stick to your guess.
No.
I did get fired but it was for doing whip-its.
Colin, I think you should -- [ Laughter ]
You should -- I think you should go.
-Come on, baby. -I think number one.
'Cause you know why? You're number one to me, man.
-Aw, thanks. -Yeah.
Here we go. -Okay. Ready?
-Yeah. -My first stand-up set
was in a police station while I was under arrest.
-That's so cool. -This is absolutely true.
This is so true. -I love --
-He's Colin Quinn. He's the most Irish guy I know.
This is perfect for his one-man show and first book.
This is so him.
He did stand-up in a police station.
Why were you arrested?
-Possession of a controlled substance.
[ Laughter ]
-So, you had weed on you, or was it something else?
-[ Laughs ] -Yeah, you don't want to say.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait. But how old were you?
-You get arrested for weed? Come on.
[ Laughter ]
-How old were you? -Uh, 22.
-Oh, my gosh. He totally did this.
It was you-know-what and the thing, and he got busted.
Were you in a car or something, driving?
-No. -That's right, because you
grew up in the streets of Brooklyn,
and that's how you have your accent.
So you were walking around, you started some trouble.
-I just like picturing it.
-You got in a fight with somebody?
-No. -How did you get arrested?
-What is that? -How did you get arrested?
You were buying? -Possession -- 'Cause I was --
-The whole way on Fifth Avenue and 43rd Street.
-How much cocaine did you have? [ Laughter ]
-It was fake. -It was fake cocaine?
-It was fake. Don't do fake cocaine.
[ Laughter ] I love it.
-You're not a role model for children.
"Don't do fake cocaine." [ Laughter ]
Don't do cocaine at all! Real or fake.
-What's fake cocaine? -I know him pretty well.
-Called procaine. -Procaine.
-That's what they called it!
-I think of course this happened to him,
'cause he has this type of luck. -I just love to picture it.
So I'm gonna -- I feel like it's true, you know?
-Gosh, if he's lying, you're a genius,
'cause he is a good actor, too. I'm gonna say it's true.
-I think it's true.
-It's true. -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on. I love you, buddy.
Oh, there's the truth right there!
Billie Eilish, Colin Quinn, everybody!