While we know
that the autocrat billionaire brothers from another mother
badly wanted to improve U.S.-Russia relations,
it seems like it's not going quite that way.
The Senate has approved tough new sanctions for Russia
and now the bill heads to President Trump's desk.
The bill was passed by an overwhelming 98-2 vote.
It gives Congress the power to block the president
from easing sanctions against Moscow.
Yeah. Not only did they put sanctions on Russia,
they've effectively put sanctions on Donald Trump.
That's what they've done.
Yeah. That's-that's a, that's a strange thing,
when you think about it.
Because...
it's almost like Congress is these parents going like,
"We don't want you playing with that boy anymore."
I cannot wait to see him sign that,
'cause he loves them. He's gonna be like,
(mimics Trump): "And this one, folks, is gonna be...
"here, uh, me protecting America from myself.
"There you go, there you go.
There you go, ladies and gentlemen, there you go."
(normal voice): And, by the way, it wasn't even close.
Not only did the sanctions pass the Senate by 98 to two,
in the House the vote was 419 to three.
Yeah. That is insane.
Everyone in Congress went up against Russia
like it was Ted Cruz.
Like-- Do you want to know, you want to know
how much they hate Russia, just for yourself,
imagine how you'd feel
if Jar Jar Binks starred in
That's how much they hate it.
It's like the hatred of everything.
(mimics Jar Jar Binks): "Meesa thought I was out,
but theysa pulling me back in."
(normal voice): Actually, I want to watch that movie now.
So, uh, Congress hit Russia with more sanctions.
And, uh, if you know anything about Russians,
when you hit them, they always hit back.
Russia is ramping up its retaliation
against the U.S. over new sanctions.
Russian President Vladimir Putin told the U.S. yesterday
to slash its staff in Russia by 755 people.
The U.S. will also lose access to a storage facility
and its beautiful country house and leafy property
on the outskirts of Moscow.
What?
Wait, so Russia retaliated against the new sanctions
by taking America's country house?
Man, it really... really does feel
like Trump and Putin are getting divorced.
(imitating Putin): "Okay, Donald,
I'm taking the country house."
(imitating Trump): "Not the country house.
"No! No!
We just renovated the bathroom."
(imitating Putin): "I know, and I'm sure
Syria will enjoy the heated toilet seat."
(imitating Trump): "You bastard!
I picked it out myself."
And they're not just taking the country house.
Russia is also raising
an army-sized middle finger to the west.
The New York Times
conducting massive military drills
near several NATO members,
drills that could include
as many as 100,000 Russian soldiers.
The drills believed to be a show of force and intimidation.
Now, I know it's really serious--
you know, the military drills that take place.
But, when you think about it,
military drills are just like geopolitical versions
of gangs driving by their rival gang's turf.
That's all it is. You just go to the border,
and then you give each other dirty looks.
You're just, like, sitting there in the car.
"Yeah. Yeah. What?"
'Cause that's all I can picture when they go like,
"The Russians are at the border intimidating the other side."
I'm just picturing Russians driving around in their Impalas.
You know? Just look...
And you know an important part of the drive-by is the music.
You know, so Russia's playing their music full blast
as they're driving by.
(humming Russian anthem)
That's not hydraulics.
The cars are just really (bleep) in Russia.
And, you know, like, right now, I don't...
Like... I don't know
if the U.S. can afford
to get into another Cold War
because the scary news is there may be a hot one
that is starting right around the corner.
North Korea is making far greater progress
on its missile program than officials ever imagined.
Their second test
of an intercontinental ballistic missile
in the past month,
traveling farther than any missile
they have ever launched.
The North Korean ICBM
blasted 2,300 miles straight into space,
but experts fear that North Korea
could angle the missile to potentially travel
as far as Washington, D.C. or New York.
And flight to Africa booked.
(laughter)
I don't know about you,
but this (bleep) is starting to scare me.
They have a missile that can hit New York?
Like, if it can make it here,
it can make it anywhere.
(laughter and applause)
I will say, though...
I will say, though, the joke's on Kim Jong-un
because if he tries to send a missile to New York,
we'll all have time to evacuate
because the missile will get stuck in traffic
in the Lincoln Tunnel.
It's just gonna be there trying to get through.
The E-ZPass won't be working.
I can picture the tollbooth lady.
"Now, listen, mister. Mister, I don't care
"what you say, what you were saying.
"If you don't got your money, you got to back up. Okay?
"No, you got to back up, baby. I don't...
"Yeah, everybody threatens to blow up on me.
"You need to go back, get your E-ZPass working
and move on, okay? Bye-bye, now. Bye-bye."
First question:
how did North Korea get a nuclear missile?
They don't have sandwiches.
Like, what country develops an ICBM
before they get a BLT?
And-and as much as we joke,
North Korea having the ability to launch a nuclear weapon is...
it's serious. It is a serious thing.
In fact, before President Obama went kitesurfing,
he warned Trump that North Korea
would be the biggest threat to the United States.
And, obviously, that was before he knew
about Scaramucci and stuff, but still.
But still, he warned him.
So, now, as much as I hate to admit it,
it's all in the hands of Donald Trump.
Like, I just... I hope
that he has a well-thought-out plan.
We'll handle North Korea.
We're gonna be able to handle them.
They will be... It will be handled.
We handle everything. Thank you very much.
And flight back to Africa booked.