Since we were children, we’ve been taught a simple fact: car goes vroom.
We know this.
We know it the same way we know cow goes moo, sheep goes baa, podcast goes “From the New
York Times, I’m Michael Barbaro.
This is the Daily.”
But what if I told you that car isn’t going vroom at all?
In 2011, BMW, short for “Big Motorcars…
Woah!!,” replaced the 5-liter V10 engine in its M-5 models with a twin-turbocharged
V8 engine.
The trouble is, even though the phrase “twin-turbocharged V8 engine” sounds very cool, actual twin-turbocharged
V8 engines don’t make very cool sounds.
That’s because turbocharging forces exhaust through a turbine, which means less exhaust
comes out, which means less noise, which means drivers’ egos don’t feel particularly
turbocharged at all.
Simply put, the BMW M-5 was suddenly too quiet, and that was a problem, because the type of
person who’s willing to spend $90,000 on a car that, if we’re being honest, looks
nearly indistinguishable from a Toyota Camry is also the type of person who believes there’s
a direct correlation between car loudness and hotties frenched.
So, BMW put in a system they called “Active Sound Design,” an intentionally vague name
because they didn’t want to call it the more accurate name “playing pre-recorded
engine noise through the speakers while you drive so that you can feel like a big special
boy.”
And it’s not just BMW: acoustic design has always been a part of car making, but now,
a combination of more efficient engines, turbochargers, and government regulations mean that cars
across the board are getting quieter.
And so, car manufacturers across the board have adopted a simple philosophy: “you,
the buyer, are a dumb little baby who needs to be coddled with fake vroom-sounds.”
Ford employs a system called “Active Noise Control,” confirmed to be in Mustang Ecoboosts,
that uses microphones in the car to take the engine’s real sound, process it, and then
play a version of it through the speakers—they actually workshopped the sound by surveying
Mustang Fan Clubs, which consist mainly of dads with estranged children and one confused
teen who thought this was a chance to read their Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron slash
fiction.
Acura has a similar system called “Active Sound Control,” Kia calls theirs “Active
Sound System;” basically, if you go into your car’s settings and can find something
using some combination of the words “Active” and “Sound,” your car is probably lying
to your face.
Well, to your ears.
Well, actually your ears are on your face, or wait, are they?
Are ears on your face?
Nevermind.
Volkswagen uses this weird puck-looking thing called the Soundaktor, which according to
my neighbor from Munich, is German for “leave me alone,” although it’s actually kind
of unclear exactly what the Soundaktor does because the reporting conflicts with official
statements from VW.
But when have the Germans ever lied before!?
Many Porsches, and some Fords, use a slightly less egregious amplification system called
a sound symposer: basically, it’s a plastic tube that runs from the engine to the cabin
so that more of the sound comes in.
It’s got a valve that opens and shuts to only let in noise at moments that the driver
is likely to want it; so when you’re cruising, the valve is closed and the cabin is quiet,
but when you really step on the gas, the valve opens so you can better hear the engine you
spent the equivalent of 23.7 human lives on.
Most car manufacturers I didn’t mention likely also use some combination of speakers
and special tubes to craft their driver’s audio experience, but it can be hard to know
their exact methods because they often aren’t very public about it: they typically don’t
want drivers to know that the purr of the sports car they just spent their child’s
college fund on is about as real as the purr of Baby Luigi’s Goo Goo Buggy.
But there’s a whole other side to the issue of fake engine noise: an electric side.
Here’s the thing, electric cars are quiet.
So quiet, in fact, that much like high blood pressure or a rabbit with a knife, it’s
a silent killer: one study found that pedestrians were 40% more likely to be hit by an electric
or hybrid car versus a gas-powered one because they couldn’t hear the electrics.
That’s why the US and EU have put in place regulations that electric cars must play a
synthetic sound when going under a certain speed.
But where you or I may see a regulation, electric car manufacturers see a perfect opportunity
for sonic branding, or audio logos.
You know audio logos.
I can’t actually play the real ones because of copyright, but I can recreate them: Tu-Duuuum.
Dum buh-do-duh-dum.
Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-bum.
There are even old school ones like this: rrraarrrarr.
Anyways, in a sign of just how seriously carmakers are taking this sonic branding opportunity,
BMW got Hans Zimmer, the guy who scored The Lion King, Inception, and, well frankly, about
half of the blockbusters in the last three decades, to design the sound of their new
electric vehicles.
I mean, more accurately they got Hans Zimmer’s underpaid assistant to do it and then got
Hans to slap his name on it, but I digress.
Electric car brands are increasingly hiring composers to design these synthetic engine
sounds: Volkswagen got Leslie Mandoki from the Euro-disco band Dschinghis Khan to design
the sound for their ID.3.
All of which raises the question: why?
Why get the composer of Dune to design vrooms?
Well… why buy a really nice BMW in the first place when a Camry could get you from A to
B for a fraction of the price?
And if you are gonna get a luxury car, why get a BMW vs a Porsche vs a Rolls-Royce?
While cars are a technical product that does a technical thing—drives you places—really,
cars, and especially luxury cars, are a lot more like alcohol, or Selena Gomez’s singing
career: it’s less about actual, technical ability and more about branding.
And sound is just another way to get your brand in the customer’s face.
I mean ears.
I mean… you know what, decide in the comments: are ears part of your face?
Let me know.
You know what is part of your face?
Your mouth.
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