It was weird growing up in the midewst
with my situation because, like,
I find that my life now is just a never-ending guessing game
of where are you really from, you know?
It's just exhausting to get it all the time.
Like, I was at a party recently, and a guy I did not even know
approached me from across the party,
and without even knowing my name,
the first words out of his lips were, "Um, I'm sorry,
but what, um, what kind are you?"
Like I'm some sort of unmarked dessert on a buffet bar, you know?
Like, it was just that casual.
And it's so frustrating. It's like, fine,
I don't mind having the conversation.
I don't mind answering the questions.
It just never turns into an interesting conversation, you know?
Like, every single day just like,
"Oh, I'm from South Korea," and they're like, "Oh, cool.
I taught English in South Korea for a year,"
and I'm like, "Awesome. I knew some D students in high school
who needed to escape too." You know, like, we all know 'em.
- ( laughter ) - Okay, good. Some of you knew some people
who needed to flee.
That's good. It's just frustra--
I don't know. It was never worse--
I worked at the Olive Garden for two years.
Hold for applause, okay.
- ( applause ) - Wow, some of you think you're too good
to clap for the Olive Garden. Well...
have I got something to tell you, you're not.
No, I love the Olive Garden. I worked there for a while,
and I remember this one time I approached this table.
It was like three elderly white guys and, you know,
we, you know, exchanged pleasantries
and then at one point, one of the guys at the table was like,
"Say, son, are you Korean?"
And I was like, "Oh, my God. That's an amazing guess. How did you know that?
And he was like, "Well, I fought in the Korean War,
so I know a thing or two about this."
And I was like, "What does this mean four our relationship now?
Do you need a new server?
Are you going to have a flashback or something?
Like, what's going on?"
Like, it's almost worse when people guess correctly.
Like, I met this guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers
and we were texting back and forth,
and out of the blue at one point, he was like, "So you're Korean, right?"
And then I was like, "Yeah, that's amazing. Like, how did you guess that?"
And he was like, "Your eye shape."
And then I was like, "Ugh. Like, are you gonna measure my skull next?
Like, what-- where are we going with this?"
And the weirder thing is is that I hadn't sent him any pictures of my face.
I had only sent him pictures of my butthole,
so I don't know what eye shape he was talking about.
Very confusing. Very confusing.
Deal with a lot of questions about my race,
but one question I get a lot,
and it's sort of like a jokey question--
I-- you-- you probably get it too.
Do you get, like, a jokey question that bugs you?
Okay, so on the count of three, we're going to say the question that we get
at the same time, and hopefully it's the same question
because this is on TV, okay?
This is a big life moment for me.
So if you mess this up,
just think about-- have that weight on your shoulders
as I count down from three, okay?
One, two, three.
Do you eat dog? Okay, you didn't say anything.
Outrageous.
No, that's the question-- people think they're so clever,
like they're the first person to ever, like,
ask me this question, "Do you eat dog?"
And it used to piss me off and, like, upset me
'cause I get it, like, I know why you're asking the question.
But at this point in my life, I'm like,
"Yeah. I would fucking eat a dog. Why not?"
I eat all the other meats. Doesn't seem like an issue.
Okay, I'm losing you. I can sense that.
But-- but-- but bear with me. There's a point to this.
Do I have any dog owners in the audience tonight?
Make some noise if you're a dog owner.
- ( cheers and applause ) - Okay, you guys have dogs.
Here's the thing. I would eat your dog sight unseen, I would.
You don't even have to show me a picture.
I just know that I would eat it
if it were presented to me, if it were cooked nicely, you know.
But the thing is is that's the line for me.
Like, there's all these ads in New York right now that PETA has
that has, like, a spectrum of animals
and it's got, like, a pig on one side and a dog on the other,
and it's like, "Why would you eat this pig, but you won't eat that dog?"
And it's like, "Because I've never met that pig, okay?"
If I knew its first name, that might change things.
That's the message of "Charlotte's Web," it really is.
Is you can eat any old pig you want,
as long as it doesn't have an inner life, you know?
And that's where things get really dicey.
Like, what they need to do is do what they do
with cigarette packs in Europe, you know?
They put, like, blackened lungs on the outside of the packs.
If they would just put facts about the cows on the burger patties,
I'd never eat another goddamn burger, you know?
If it was just like, "This is Daisy.
Her favorite color is blue," and I'd be like,
"I can't eat Daisy. She likes 'Magnolia.' I love that movie.
We have too much in common. I can't do it."
I'm not super into animals.
I'm scared of them most days.
Like, I get really anxious. Like, please stop sharing these videos of crows
that have learned how to talk and can use tools.
I don't want to see it. Stay in your own lane, crows.
Talking and using tools is sort of our thing, all right?
People are afraid that immigrants are gonna come in and take their jobs.
They should be worried about the crows, okay?
They're the real threat. Like, sir, what do you do for a living?
A librarian? A crow could do that in a second.
You should see some of the things these crows are doing.
Animals are terrible. I find bees to be high strung, you know?
Every single bee wakes up in the morning and is like,
"If that person even looks at me wrong, I will kill myself!"
Like, take it down a notch, okay?
Chill out. I do-- I am a cat person.
That might not shock any of you.
- ( cheers and applause ) - Yes, thank you.
I am-- I love-- I have two cats at home.
Their names are Lea Michele and Little Richard.
Those are my cats. I love my cats.
Here's a fun fact about the difference between cats and dogs.
If you live alone with a dog and you die,
it'll take the dog three weeks to begin to eat you
and it'll start at the fingers.
If you live alone with a cat and you die alone,
it'll take three days and it'll start at the face.
Sort of a fundamental difference,
but here's the thing about my cats
is they don't even wait that long.
Every single night I wake up about four hours into sleep
to them eating me.
And every single night they're just like,
"Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Were you not dead?" ( chuckles )
"Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. We thought you were dead.
You just-- you had your eyes closed for so long.
This feels like your fault, not ours.
No, no, no, you go back to sleep. We'll be back."