- My mother decided
maybe we should put Fat Mark...
(laughter)
She didn't refer to me that way out loud,
(laughter) but I could see it.
I think Fat Mark should be on pee wee little league.
I showed no interest in sports.
I didn't care about sports,
I was not guided that way.
I never played catch with my Dad,
because playing catch with my Dad would have been like
throwing the ball away. (laughter)
Alright,
so she she puts Fat Mark on pee wee little league.
Alright now when you're fat,
and you're on pee wee little league
you're in the outfield,
'cause no one's gonna hit it that far.
And if it does get out that far
it's gonna hit the ground, it's gonna just be bouncing.
It's not a big deal.
So Fat Mark is out in centerfield,
got a fat left fielder, got the fat right fielder,
we're just out there being fat.
We're the fat outfield. (laughter)
Alright, maybe a little chatter,
hittin' the glove a little bit,
hey batter batter.
What does this even mean?
Why are we saying this like this?
You know, maybe we'll chitchat with the other guy.
Hey, you gonna get a Snickers or a snow cone after?
(laughter) I'm probably gonna get both.
I'm gonna get a rainbow snow cone
and try to eat it before it turns purple.
(laughter) I gotta be honest with ya,
I was not prone,
you know I'm fairly athletic,
I could probably pull it off,
but I was afraid of the ball man.
But at that time, batting...
This is how I would bat. (laughter)
Catching... (laughter)
But, this was me in the picture...
(laughter and clapping)
Alright, so here's what happens,
and this was a life changing event.
We're gonna try and work through this.
I've made a promise to myself to work though this.
I'm out there in centerfield, just being fat.
We're having our time out there,
alright, we're just kickin' the dirt around...
And then I heard that sound,
it's unmistakable sound, everyone knows that sound.
It was the crack of a bat.
And my first reaction was to look at the other guy.
(laughter)
And then I look over at that guy,
and he's pointing at the air,
and there's a ball
suspended in the air coming towards Fat Mark.
The coach is saying, "Get under it! Get under it!",
and I'm backing up,
and I know it's right there,
and then in my memory there's a sprinkler right?
My heel caught on a sprinkler.
I'm pretty sure it was there alright?
(laughter)
I can't be sure, it might just be something
I put in there to buffer the shame
of what's going to happen next,
which is me falling backwards onto the ground,
and the ball bouncing off of my face.
So I was under it.
(laughter)
I got that part of the equation correct.
Now in my mind at that point, the coach is yelling,
"Get up you fat fuck!
Field it fatty!
Come on!"
Now that's obviously revisionism,
I don't think a coach, (laughter)
would talk that way to a fat kid right?
I probably made that up to make the shame worse.
So now it's not really a ball game
as much as it is a fat kid crying.
(laughter)
Which on some level in my mind it's like,
well it was all about me at that time.
It would have been a better moment to be like,
I caught it, I caught it,
but like,
(wailing)
That's alright.
Like on some level if you're that self absorbed
and you wanna be the center of attention,
it succeeded in that way.
(laughter)
See I really think though,
and this is my point,
I think if I would have caught that ball
I would have been a different person.
I don't think I would be up here talking to you.
(laughter)
I think I would have been a well-adjusted person.
I would have felt that feeling of esteem
and maybe gone on to play more sports.
Perhaps I would have now been at a pretty good job
with a family and had, you know,
guy friends that I would say things like,
good talk bro.
(laughter)
Like, it could have been a whole different life for me.
If I'd just caught that ball.
And some part of me needs closure,
so if you don't mind
I want to go through a psychodrama here,
where I'm gonna walk Fat Mark off the field.
I'm gonna walk Fat Mark off,
and just try to give him a heads up,
which is a term he didn't understand at this point.
(laughter)
And just try to, you know,
give him a heads up of what's gonna happen.
So, let's go there now.
I'm gonna try to coach little Fat Mark.
Here we go.
Wow, that was ridiculous, what just happened.
(laughter)
You were so close, you almost had that.
You alright?
It's okay though, it's okay.
Look, there's just a couple things I need to tell you
about what's gonna happen for you.
First of all, there's no going back to the dugout.
This shit is done.
(laughter)
There's no more putting yourself
in the position to be physically hurt.
From here on out,
it's all gonna be thinky pain.
(laughter)
What else can I tell ya?
Teamwork, that's done. (laughter)
No more of that.
No reason to believe in that shit.
And quite honestly from here on out,
no sports heroes,
not that you had 'em to begin with,
but here on out just loners.
Fragmented people.
Drug addicts, people who live on the margins.
Comedians, rock stars,
those are your people,
get used to it.
And also I guess I can tell you quite honestly
it doesn't get much better after this.
On many different levels in your life,
metaphorically this situation will play out
over and over again.
You're gonna be (laughter)
very close to catching it and then
we will just end up crying.
(laughter)
What else can I tell ya about the immediate situation?
Okay, you're gonna get off the field,
your Mom's gonna take you to Diary Queen,
she's gonna let you eat a banana split,
you're gonna enjoy that,
and an hour later she's gonna make you feel
guilty about eating it. (laughter)
So that's gonna happen.
So quite honestly she's out too after this,
ya know, they're both out.
Mom and Dad are done.
(laughter)
What else is gonna happen?
Well, about 14 you start smoking cigarettes,
which are really cool,
but at 39 when you can't breathe, not so cool.
Cocaine's gonna come into play.
About 15 years old you'll commit to that
for about nine years of your adult life,
which will also be very exciting but a mistake.
(laughter)
I don't know, how can I sum this up?
Okay, it's gonna take a lifetime to walk this off.
(laughter)
And you can quit crying now,
on the outside. (laughter and clapping)
And I think the big payoff is that eventually,
you know because of this moment,
that you had on this field...
And holy shit let me just look around for a minute...
No sprinkler.
(laughter)
Because of this moment here you're gonna find yourself
at age 49 on a stage in a basement in New York city
in front of a room full of strangers
taping a special with no end to this story really,
just, (laughter)
no end.
So, if you'd only caught that ball (laughs),
(laughter)
we'd have a little closure on this bit.