Of all the parenting videos that we have here on the channel, one of the questions
that comes up a lot is, "How do I manage my anger with my child?" By the end of
this video, you're going to have some clear ideas about how to do just that.
The first step here obviously is to understand what anger is. Where is it
coming from? How does it start? What is going on in my
own mind? I've taught in many of my videos that meta cognition is an
extremely important skill that we have as human beings. Now cognition just means
thinking. If we put that right here at this level, metacognition is a higher
level. It's thinking about thinking. Notice that you can do this. This is
really important because metacognition creates a space and in that space is
where choice exists. Anger doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like a reaction,
it feels like an automatic feeling that we get that we have no control over.
Until you see it as a choice, it's not. So, I invite you to think about your own
thinking for a moment and let's review some of the basics around anger along
with some tips that will help us to manage our own anger that comes up when
we're trying to do the parenting thing. There are two primary components to
anger. There's the brain component and there's the mind component. Now your
brain and your mind are not the same thing. Your brain isn't your mind any
more than your finger is your mind. It's part of your body. It's an organ in your
head and it operates according to neuro physiological principles. Your mind is
you, okay? It's the you that's inside of that body that you
have. And you have a brain but you're not your brain. So, this is what some people
call the spirit or the soul or the agent inside of the machine. However you want
to think about it, I'm making a distinction here between brain, physical
physiological and mind which is more spiritual and psychological. Now, with
those two components in place, what's going on on the brain level? Anger is a
manifestation of what we call the fight-or-flight response. Your brain is
wired to take care of you, to keep you safe and one of the primary ways it does
that (If there's ever a threat) is to respond or react immediately with a
chemical response. A chemical response that causes your body to prepare to do
one of those two things. Fight or run away. The fight-or-flight response.
These chemicals actually shut down parts of your brain that are in charge of
thinking, logic, problem-solving and also some higher cognitive processes like
compassion and empathy and forgiveness. Wow,
that's important to know. So, from a brain standpoint, we've got to have ways that
we can calm that fight-or-flight response.
Understanding that, let's develop a healthier more anger resistant brain
through self-care and calming exercises. By self-care, I mean take care of you. Get
enough sleep. Make sure you're eating well, have regular exercise. Take regular
time for prayer and meditation and solitude.
This is how you take care of the machine including that physiological brain
that's triggering the chemicals into your bloodstream that we know is the
fight-or-flight response. When I say calming exercises, probably the quickest
and most effective way to get there is through slow focused breathing. Now, I
know you breathe every day right? But I'm talking about a very intentional
practice. And I like to do it in this manner. You breathe in through the nose,
as long as you don't have a cold or something, this should work just fine. In
through the nose and fill up your lungs. Just stretch them and feel that. Now, hold
briefly as you feel the stretch and while you're stretching, just check your
shoulders and your neck. That's where a lot of people carry their stress. Just
see if there's any tension there, loosen it up while you're holding for no more
than 10 or 15 seconds. And then you release slowly through the mouth.
Restrict the flow here so that it takes about twice as long to exhale as it did
to inhale. Kind of like you're blowing out birthday candles. Okay, nice and slow,
out through the mouth and push it out. Push it out. Usually we leave about 30%
of our lung capacity in there. Gladden push it out when you're doing this focus
breathing exercise and then in through the nose again. Nice and deep and then
you hold and stretch. If you'll do that for 3 to 5 reps, you're going to
feel different. You feel different because you've just changed the
physiological processes that are going on in your own brain. That's the key. So
between self-care and calming exercises like breathing, we're going to address
the brain component. Now, I mentioned that there's the brain
component and there's the mind component. Now the mind component has to do with
how you're thinking. How you're thinking sometimes creates the threat that sets
off the brain in the first place and has that chemical party starting in your
body and in your brain. So, on the thinking end of things and on the mind end
of things. What's the key here? To understand how
anger operates at a mind level. I think it's helpful to think of the mind as
having a conscious and the subconscious part to it. Now, conscious means awareness.
If you're unconscious, you're not aware of anything. Consciousness is awareness.
Your sub conscious mind... Now, sub means below. Like subway, submarine,
subcontractor. You get it? subconscious, below awareness. This is below your
awareness. And the problem arises with a little what-if question. Okay, do you
recognize it. And even the question itself triggers anxiety for some folks.
Your subconscious is constantly asking, "What if this? What if that?" And the thing
about your subconscious? It can't go without an answer. So, it's going to come
up with an answer even if you don't have a good one
and you got a pretty darn good imagination too. Your subconscious mind
loves to answer the what-if questions with, "Huh! You can't handle that. That
would be terrible. Horrible, no good. Very bad." And that triggers the brain to feel
threatened. Chemicals squirted into your system and we're off to the races. So
what we've got to do on the mind side is to answer the what-ifs. We're going to
answer those what if questions. In a way that allows us to feel as threatened. Now,
what does this have to do with parenting? Hopefully you're tracking all along here
that your anger with your child has do with expectations it has to do with
the way your subconscious is handling some what-if questions like, "What if my
child doesn't obey me?" That freaks you out a little bit. Well, they
better obey me. Yeah, they might not, right? And that would be terrible, horrible, no
good, very bad. Right? Do you see how your mind is handling this? What if we were to
change that up? One of my child doesn't obey me. All that would be... That would be
good. I know. That sounds a little crazy but just play with it for just a moment.
You're picking a position about this. Your position has you feeling angry. What
if you took a different position. My child is making a mess, "Oh that's good." I
know, sounds crazy but go with it for just a minute. What do kids do? Well, one
of the things kids do is that they make messes, right? What if you were to accept
that? What if you were to remember who they are and how they're built? Little
kids are supposed to make messes. Little kids are supposed to have these periods
of defiance where they get right up in your face. It's what they do. The story
that you tell yourself about that is extremely important and that has to do
with your mind. So, let's hit a couple more tips. Understanding that our
subconscious mind is asking the what-if question. We want to answer that what-if
question more truthfully and in a way that puts us in a position of power as a
parent. Saying things like, "This is good, I'm right on schedule, my child is right
on schedule." These kinds of phrases put you in a very different position as a
parent and notice what happens to the anger when you start to think in those
ways? Know a little word about perspective. Why? Why are you your child's
parent? There's a lot of different answers that people come up with for
this. But check it out. What qualifies you to be their parent? I know, right? It
it's going to blow your mind just a little bit when you when you step back and you
realize that one of the primary reasons that you are their parent is because you
showed up on the planet before they did. And why are your parents your parents?
Because notice they're probably not geniuses either, are they?
No, they're imperfect people as well. Well, what qualifies them to be your parent?
Well because they showed up on earth before you did. You with me? You as a
parent are in the middle of a whole string of people who don't have any idea
what they're doing. And there's nothing special about you that qualifies you to
be their parent. And that's not bad news. It's just perspective. We're all in this
together. We're all trying to figure this out as we go.
Our anger sometimes is tied to our own need to be a good parent. Well you're a
fallible flawed human being and that's not bad news. Accept it and see that
you're in a string of a whole bunch of people who came before you and a whole
bunch who are going to come after and we're all part of the same human family. So
let's give ourselves just a little bit of slack when it comes to judgment.
You're a good parent. You are a benevolent, generous, loving parent and
you're still figuring things out. So, as you give yourself that permission,
you're going to feel less anger and frustration. And that way you set a model
for your kids too. Because they're going to step up and take the parent position at
some point and your grandkids are going to be raised by them. We're all in this
amazing string of humanity together. Let's be a little more tolerant and
forgiving of ourselves and that's going to help us to show up a little better
with less anger for our children. I hope you're finding those tips helpful.
You've heard me mentioned on other videos. The Parenting Power-Up. I don't
know if you've had a chance to check that out yet. There's a link right over
there and as you connect to that, you're going to see that Vicki and I have put
together 18 different segments to power up your parenting. I hope you'll take a
look.