One of our top videos here on the channel is anger management for mothers.
Let's get a little more specific today. We've got 6 thoughts that you can use
to replace. -Paul, you often say, "You're never wrong
about how you feel." Because as always in connection with how you're thinking.
-Right. -It goes right along with your thoughts. I got turned on to a coach
named Jody Moore. And she has really helped me see this also that so often, we
just go straight to feelings and we forget to really identify the thoughts
that are driving those feelings. I signed up for a part of a program with her. Or I
got some beautiful printouts that were some great thoughts that you can use to
replace some of the thoughts that are causing you to feel a way you don't want
to feel. And if you want to change the way you feel, look at your thoughts and
change your thoughts. So, these are replacement thoughts. Vicki, actually
ordered these or printed them up. -I printed them up and I laminated them. And
they're hanging in our exercise room. In fact, you can see a little image is that
right here where I started noticing these. And the thing that I love about
Jody Moore and her programs is that she teaches the same stuff that I do. And so, we
kind of see things in a similar way. But I thought that these were beautiful
examples of where to start. Now, in the previous video we did on anger
management for mothers this has been one of our top videos on the channel. And
it's because you as a parent, as a mother are dealing with this on a regular basis.
And we get a lot of requests for this kind of a topic. So, these 6 ideas I
think are going to help. Let's jump into the first one first one. First one we'll, discuss is
love is always an option and it's always the best one. -Always? -Always. One of
the things I've done with these, I have all of them displayed but I put one up
right in front of the treadmill. And I'm for a week at a time so that that's the
one that I constantly am seeing while I'm exercising for that week and then
I'll swap it out. I love this idea about love. There was a couple
years back I usually try to choose a thought pattern or whatever for the year.
-To work on. And mine was choose love. Because there is always an option to choose a
more loving response, a more loving thought. And so, I even had a little ring
made up that said choose love so that could become my mantra for the year. And
so remember that love is an option. You can respond or choose to think about
someone in a loving way. I love the way this fits in with our
theme for positive parenting. Your job is what? To love them no matter what and
even if. When you see it as a choice, I think that's powerful and that's why I
liked your mantra about choose love. It's always a choice. And if it's a choice, why
wouldn't you choose it? And what's the alternative hate. I use the word hate.
Because people hate the word hate but really if it's not love what is it. So,
love is always an option and it's always the best option.
Vicki, these printouts that you put up on the exercise room wall. You move one of
them in front of you on the treadmill. I'm usually on the elliptical and I am
facing the wall that has all the rest of them. -Right. -And so, I get to look at them
all and think about them as I'm exercising in there. And this one caught
my attention because it fits in with our theme as well. I'm not supposed to make
my kids happy. I'm supposed to love them and make myself happy. I love that. It's
so important to put the focus back where you have the control. I don't have
control over my children's feelings. I have control over my feelings and many
of the consequences and the situations I set up for my child. But I do not have
the ability or the control to make them happy. So, let's just on that.
-Look at how this ties in and anger. Because our whole theme here is anger
management, right? How am I going to manage all these intense emotional
feelings that I'm having and usually the anger is triggered by an unmet or
unrealized expectation. And if you think your job is to make sure that they
anything. Make sure that they're happy, make sure that there
good productive citizens. Make sure they do their homework. Whatever it is you
think you're supposed to make sure that they do, notice that you're really bad at
that. Because you don't control it. I mean you just nailed it.
You don't control that. So, making my kids happy... It's my job to love them and
to make myself happy because I don't want to saddle my kids with that
responsibility. I think too often, we switch that and we expect our kids to
make us happy. Well, they kind of suck at that too. They're busy trying to figure
out their own world. They are not in charge of your emotions. So... And I do love
that it puts it back on to myself. I get to make me happy. The next one I think is
just brilliant it says, "My husband isn't here to make me happy. He's here so I
have someone to love." -I probably love that more than you do.
-Yeah. You know, just remember that when you're feeling an emotion or you're
stuck you know in a feeling a pattern of feeling something that you don't want
that you want to change it so maybe it's this anger, go back and look at the event
and think about it "Well, what was the thought process?" And if you thought, "Oh, he
was supposed to make me happy by doing X, Y, Z." Then that's where you can change
your thought process say, "Oh, my husband isn't there to make me happy.
He's there so I have someone to love." -Wow, that changes the energy. And may I also
add as a husband that feels so much more inviting to me. -Mm-hmm. -It takes the
pressure off. Now, I want you to be happy, right. -Vicki, I don't control that. -No. -But
if you're looking at it is without the expectation of "Paul's supposed
to make me happy", instead "Paul's there as someone that you
get to love" -Right. -How much fun is that for me? And I am going to be stepping up
more to do things that are more likely to facilitate your happiness when I feel
that kind of energy coming back from you. That is powerful. I love that we're
sharing with you our wall of inspiration as we're in there working out. We're
thinking about you. And this next one I think is is also very powerful in
changing our perceptions in the way that we think. Here it is. Other people are
always doing the best they can. Now, it's that really true?
-I really believe so. I don't... You know this goes back to mothering. Especially, I
remember when I finally really started to get this. If I knew better, I would do
better. I don't know a mother out there that thinks, "I know I could do this but
I'm not going to because I choose not to." Usually we aren't doing what we think is
better only because we don't have the emotional or the the mental resource to
do it. We always do the very best that we can in our parenting.
I really believe that. -Yes. -I've often said you could be the most amazing mother ever if
you came out every situation with a fresh slate. Fully-rested
and fed and happy, right? But with the resources that we have, we're always
doing our best. Let's extend that to others. Just believe. Just use that new
thought process to believe. Others are doing the very best they can. -You know,
I'm a psychologist, Vicki and I believe that that's true. In the hundreds,
probably thousands of people that I've worked with over the years, I think they
honestly are doing the best that they know how to do with what they currently
have, with their resources, their knowledge their skill sets. And like you
were saying: As you know better, do better. -Right. -And that's something that you can
count on yourself to do as well. This changes the energy that you use as
you come to the parenting game or as you interact with other people in a
marriage, in a work setting. Powerful. Assume, assume that other people are
doing the best that they can. And even if you're wrong, you're still in a better
position. This next one Vicki is is one that a colleague of mine actually shared
years ago. And then it showed up on our exercise wall too because Jodi Moore
teaches this. "What other people think of me is none of my business." -We spend so
much time worrying about what other people are thinking. You know what? It's
none of my business. Go on and kind of refer back to the other ones. It's up to
to make myself happy. Just go on. -Besides how selfish is that to assume that they
are thinking about me. -Right. -They're probably worried what I'm thinking about
them. -Which is none of their business either. -So, this this helps to de-
personalize it a little bit. And it's a more accurate way of perceiving what
other people are thinking. First of all, you don't know. Second of all, even if you
did, what does that have to do with you? How is that any of your business? What
they think about me is none of my business. -Okay. This one is perhaps my
most favorite. And I think it's because what woman out there doesn't feel like
sleep deprivation is killing them, right? So, the thought is not getting enough
sleep isn't a big deal. I thought about this it's just so powerful. Sometimes
when your alarm goes off... Maybe not you. You're... He's a morning person, people. I am
so sorry to say. But when my alarm goes off I think, "Ugh! I didn't get enough sleep.
I am still tired." Those are some of the first thoughts that I think and that
kind of sets up my feeling in my mood and the way I'm showing up in the
morning. And so, I'm trying to practice a new thought which is not getting enough
sleep isn't a big deal. When you wake up, it's not a big deal.
Think about how many people have done so many things in their world without 8
and a half hours of sleep, right? -Right. So, this is a new thought. Just try it on. All
of these thoughts are just to help you manage your own emotions and to reduce
your anger. -If you haven't seen the original video yet. Go look it up
next. Cue that up next. You're going to get some great ideas and we refer back
to a really sweet video at the end that you're going to want to make sure you're
watch.