>> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE
"LATE LATE SHOW."
WE'RE SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WE'RE ON NIGHT TWO OF HER "LATE LATE SHOW" RESIDENCY.
ALL WEEK WE'RE CELEBRATING THE RELEASE OF HER NEW ALBUM, "SOLAR
POWER."
WE ALL LOVE HER, THE SINGULAR, THE LOVELY, LORDE!
THERE SHE IS, LORDE, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GOOD.
THOW ARE YOU?
>> James: VERY, VERY WELL.
HOW ARE YOU SETTLING IN?
WE'RE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU MOVE IN.
TEAM LORDE, TEAM LORDE, THE SURROUNDING LORDES, WHAT DO WE
CALL THEM?
THE DISCIPLES?
ARE THEY THE DISCIPLES?
>> I GUESS THEY ARE.
>> James: THE DISCIPLES ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
LOVE ALL OF THEM WHICH SAYS A GREAT DEAL ABOUT YOU AND WE LOVE
YOU.
HAVE YOU GOT EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED?
CAN I HELP YOU IN ANY WAY?
>> I'M GREAT.
STILL WORKING ON MY LIST.
I'LL GET IT OVER TO YOU.
I'M GOOD.
>> James: RELAX.
WE'LL SEE YOU OUT HERE FOR A CHIN WAG.
DO YOU SAY CHIN WAG IN AMERICA?
DO YOU SAY CHIN WAG?
>> WE HAVE BOTH OF THOSE WORDS BUT NO ONE PUTS THEM TOGETHER.
>> James: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU NEVER SAY CHIN WAG?
LORDE DO YOU SAY CHIN WAG IN NEW ZEALAND?
>>> YES.
>> James: OF COURSE YOU DO, BECAUSE YOU'RE COOL.
WE'LL HAVE A CHIN WAG.
PUT A CHAT AMONGST THE PIGEONS.
LORDE, EVERYBODY!
LOVE HER!
[APPLAUSE] SHE'S SO GREAT!
SHE'S SO BRILLIANT.
SHE'S LIKE A PERSON.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY'RE NOT ALL, ARE THEY?
THEY'RE NOT ALL.
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ABOUT EVERY 24-YEAR-OLD POP STAR THAT COMES
ON THE SHOW?
SHE'S 24, THREE ALBUMS, WORLDWIDE FOLLOWING.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHEN YOU WERE DOING?
WHAT WAS 24-YEAR-OLD CARMEL DOING?
>> I WAS DOING IMPROV IN CARGO SHORTS?
>> James: HOLD ON, YOU WERE DOING THAT SIX YEARS AGO WHEN
YOU STARTED THIS JOB.
>> YEAH.
CONSISTENCY.
>> James: CONSISTENCY.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING, REG?
WHAT WAS A 24-YEAR-OLD REG DOING?
>> Reggie: I WAS PLAYING IN SIX BANDS, SHOPLIFTING FOOD AND
DOING A LOT OF WEED AND MUSHROOMS AND LSD.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: THE ONLY THING
THAT'S CHANGED IS THE SHOPLIFTING.
>> Reggie: THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
YEAH, ONCE YOU GET BUSTED, YOU'RE ALWAYS NERVOUS WHEN
YOU'RE TRYING TO WALK OUT.
>> James: DID YOU GET BUSTED?
>> Reggie: I DID, YEAH.
>> James: WHAT WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SHOPLIFTED?
>> Reggie: THE LAST TIME WAS PROBABLY 23.
I WAS LATE FOR REHEARSAL BECAUSE I GOT ARRESTED BUT THEY LET ME
GO AFTER AN HOUR.
I WAS STEALING VEGAN SLOPPY JOE MIX.
[APPLAUSE] >> James: OH DEAR!
>> I STOLE SOMETHING.
I GOT BUSTED ONCE.
>> YOU CAN'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR STEALING GUITAR LICKS, THOUGH.
>> James: NO.
NO.
EXACTLY.
EXACTLY RIGHT.
I BET YOU WERE AN AWFUL THIEF BACK IN THE DAY.
>> YEP!
>> James: WHAT SORT OF THEFT?
I BET YOUR THEFT IS LIKE WE'RE ALL HAVING JOKEY THEFT AND WE
GET TO YOU AND YOU'RE LIKE, "I THINK YOU CROSSED THE LINE
THERE, TIM BOUGH."
>> I GOT BUSTED FOR GRABBING CIGARETTES OFF THE COUNTER OF AN
AMPM SUPER DRUNK AT 3:00 A.M.
GRABBED IT.
WALKED IN AND WALKED OUT.
THE GUY IS LIKE, "COME BACK!" I RAN THROUGH A PARKING LOT
WHERE A COP WAS PARKED.
MY BUDDY MADE IT OVER THE FENCE.
I DIDN'T.
THE DOG CAME AFTER ME AND THEY GOT ME AND THEY TOOK ME DOWN TO
THE STATION AND CALLED MY DAD.
>> WAIT, THAT'S NOT THE END OF THE STORY.
>> OH YEAH.
THAT'S TRUE!
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL -- OK, SO, WHILE -- I WAS STANDING IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.
THEY PUT MY HEAD DOWN AND I WAS CUFFED.
THEY SAID, DON'T STAND UP OR THE DOG IS GOING TO TEAR YOU APART.
I WAS LIKE WHAT?
THE DOG CAME AFTER ME AFTER I STOOD UP AND I 100% [BLEEP] MY
PANTS.
AND THEN I HAD TO WAIT IN THE JAIL CELL FOR ABOUT FOUR HOURS
FOR MY DAD.
>> James: HA-HA!
HA-HA!
OH WOW!
IT'S A GREAT LEVELER ISN'T IT?
THAT'S THE THING ABOUT [BLEEP] YOUR PANTS.
IT'S A GREAT LEVELER.
IF YOU'RE INTIMIDATED ABOUT SOMEONE OR OVERAWED BY THEIR
PRESENCE AND YOU THINK AT SOME POINT, THEY [BLEEP] THEIR PANTS.
AFTER YOU LOSE A LOT OF THIS -- THEY COVERED A LOT OF THIS STUFF
ON "COLBERT" TONIGHT.
I THINK THEY DID A LOT OF -- I THINK THEY OPENED QUITE BIG ON
AFGHANISTAN AND JUST INTO MEMBERS OF THE BAND.
JOHN BATISTE TOLD THE STORY ABOUT [BLEEP] HIS PANTS.
ON THAT NOTE, IT'S TIME FOR...
THE NEWS!
YOU JUST WORKED ON THE ONE JINGLE THIS TIME?
JUST THE ONE?
THAT WAS IT.
JUST COME ON BIG ON THE MONDAY AND JUST TUESDAY YOU'RE BACK TO
THE SAME OLD NONSENSE WE WERE DOING?
>> THAT'S RIGHT!
>> James: HA-HA.
>> JUST ONE.
TOOK ME SIX WEEKS FOR THAT ONE.
>> James: WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOUR VOICE?
>> HELLO?
>> James: YOU'RE DOING QUITE A NEWSCAST.
HERE'S WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.
DO THE JINGLE BUT ADD THE NEWS WITH JAMES CORDEN.
YOUR VOICE, READY?
>> OK.
>> James: IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS!
>> THE NEWS WITH JAMES CORDEN!
>> James: THANK YOU.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY THE BIGGEST STORY ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW ARE
THINGS ARE NOT GOING OVER VERY WELL OVER IN AFGHANISTAN.
BUT IT APPEARS THE UNITED STATES IS NOW TRYING A DIPLOMATIC
APPROACH.
YESTERDAY, THE DIRECTOR OF THE CIA APPARENTLY HELD A SECRET
MEETING WITH THE TALIBAN'S DE FACTO LEADER IN KABUL.
I MEAN, WE'RE SAYING IT'S A SECRET MEETING, BUT IF I KNOW
ABOUT IT, IT'S NOT THAT SECRET.
HOW SECRET COULD SOMETHING BE THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT
NOW?
THINGS GOT OFF TO A ROCKY START.
BIDEN'S CIA DIRECTOR ASKED THE TALIBAN LEADER "ARE YOU WORRIED
SOME OF YOUR CITIZENS DON'T VIEW YOU AS THE LEGITIMATE LEADER?"
THEN THE TALIBAN WAS LIKE, "WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO ASK YOU HE
SAME THING."
[LAUGHTER] MOVING ON, FOLLOWING THE
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT THE F.D.A. HAS OFFICIALLY APPROVED THE PFIZER
VACCINE, PRESIDENT BIDEN IS NOW CALLING ON COMPANIES IN THE
PRIVATE SECTOR TO ADOPT A SHOT MANDATE.
IF YOU ASK ME, THIS IS JUST FURTHER PROOF OF A GIANT
CONSPIRACY BETWEEN THE GOVERNMENT AND THE CORPORATE
ELITE TO INFRINGE ON AMERICANS' GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO GET INFECTED
BY A DEADLY VIRUS.
I'VE GOT A REAL SIMPLE SOLUTION.
IF CORPORATIONS WERE LIKE "EVERYONE WHO GETS THE VACCINE
GETS AN EXTRA WEEK OFF WORK."
JOB DONE.
GAME OVER.
EVERYONE WOULD GET IT TOMORROW.
WOULDN'T THEY?
IF EVERY SINGLE PLACE -- IF YOU GET THE VACCINE, YOU GET ANOTHER
WEEK OFF PAID, I THINK IT WOULD GO UP TO LIKE 80%.
I THINK IN THE LONG RUN, THAT'S GOT TO BE BETTER FINANCIALLY FOR
THESE COMPANIES, NO?
>> YEAH, I THINK SO.
I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
>> ESPECIALLY SINCE ONCE THEY GET THE JAB, WHY DO THEY EVEN
NEED TO GIVE THEM THE WEEK OFF?
THEY'RE LIKE PSYCHE!
>> THAT'S TRUE!
THAT'S TRUE!
>> James: YEAH, THAT'S ONE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
NICK, WHERE DOES CBS STAND ON A CORPORATE VACCINE MANDATE?
>> OH, MAN.
>> James: COME ON.
OPEN IT UP AND THEN WE'LL GET INTO WHY YOU'RE WEARING A PAIR
OF YOUR WIFE'S KNICKERS.
[LAUGHTER] IT DOES LOOK LIKE IT, THOUGH.
IT DOES LOOK LIKE A PAIR OF KNICKERS YOU BOUGHT HER FOR
VALENTINES AND YOU'RE LIKE, WHERE'S MY -- OH GOD, THIS'LL
DO.
BANG!
>> IT'S LIKE A SEXY FRUIT ROLLUP.
>> I GOT FROM MY PARENTS.
>> James: IT WAS WHAT?
>> IT WAS A GIFT FROM MY PARENTS.
>> James: IT'S YOUR MOM'S KNICKERS.
SORRY, DID YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE WEARING YOUR MOM'S KNICKERS ON
YOUR FACE?
WHAT WITH YOU RATHER TALK -- WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK
ABOUT?
CBS'S VACCINE MANDATE OR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE WEARING
KNICKERS ON YOUR FACE?
>> AS ALWAYS, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU AT ALL RIGHT NOW!
>> James: OH!
AND THIS WAS A CRAZY STORY.
A FAMILY IN THE U.K. GOT A SURPRISE TREAT WHEN A HELICOPTER
LANDED IN THE FIELD NEAR THEIR HOME, AND THE PASSENGER TURNED
OUT TO BE TOM CRUISE.
THIS IS TRUE!
CRUISE WAS TRAVELING TO A MEETING NEARBY, BUT NEEDED TO
MAKE A QUICK LANDING WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE AIRPORT WAS
CLOSED.
THAT'S ACTUALLY THE THING I MISS MOST ABOUT LIVING IN ENGLAND.
THE WEEKLY HELICOPTER VISITS FROM TOM CRUISE.
[LAUGHTER] WHILE CRUISE WAS AT HIS MEETING,
HE EVEN LET THE FAMILY'S CHILDREN RIDE IN THE HELICOPTER.
WHENEVER A HELICOPTER LANDS ON OUR BUILDING IT'S ALWAYS DR.
PHIL WHO GETS OUT.
THREE TIMES THE HELICOPTER'S LANDED ON THAT ROOF AND EVERY
TIME IT WAS DR. PHIL AND HE'S NEVER ONCE OFFERED TO TAKE ME
FOR A FREE RIDE!
[LAUGHTER] >> ONE TIME IT WAS DR. PHIL AND
STEVE HARVEY, THOUGH.
>> THAT'S RIGHT!
THE TWO OF THEM!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
PHIL AND HARVEY.
>> DR. PHIL GOT OUT AND WE'RE LIKE, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE HIGHLIGHT OF WORKING HERE AT CBS AND THEN STEVE
HARVEY AFTERWARD.
>> James: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A TRUE STORY ABOUT TOM CRUISE?
THIS SUMMER -- SO THIS SUMMER -- NO WAY OF SAYING THIS WITHOUT
SOUNDING LIKE A PRICK.
THIS SUMMER, ME AND TOM CRUISE WERE TALKING ABOUT MEETING UP IN
LONDON.
HE SENT ME A TEXT SAYING WHEREABOUTS ARE YOU STAYING?
I SAID I'M STAYING IN ST. JOHN'S WORT.
IT'S CENTRAL LONDON.
HE SAID, "COOL, CAN I LAND MY HELICOPTER THERE?"
I JUST PRESUMED HE WAS JOKING.
HANG ON, I'M GOING TO BRING OUT THE TEXT JUST SO YOU KNOW IT'S
TRUE.
YEAH, SO HE SAID, "CAN I LAND MY HELI THERE?"
I SAID, "NO, YOU DON'T -- SO IT SAYS, I'M STAYING IN ST. JOHN'S
WARD, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU."
HE SAID, "CAN I LAND MY HELI IN YOUR YARD?"
I PROMISE IT'S TRUE.
I SENT BACK THINKING HE WAS JOKING.
FOUR CRYING EMOJIS.
CAN YOU GET THAT?
FOUR CRYING EMOJIS BECAUSE WHO COULD LAND A HELICOPTER IN A
YARD AND HE'S PUT, "DOES THAT MEAN NO?"
[LAUGHTER] YEAH, "DOES THIS MEAN NO?"
SO I'LL MEASURE IT OUT BUT MY HUNCH IS YOU CAN'T LAND A
HELICOPTER THERE.
HE'S LIKE, "YOU'D BE SURPRISED WHERE I CAN LAND."
AND DID YOU SEE THIS?
THE USER'S MANUAL FOR AN APPLE II COMPUTER SIGNED BY STEVE JOBS
IN 1980 JUST SOLD FOR NEARLY $800,000!
NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE APPLE II COMPUTER, IT'S WHAT
WE STILL USE HERE AT TELEVISION CITY.
[LAUGHTER] THE REASON THAT THE MANUAL WAS
SO VALUABLE IS BECAUSE OF THE MESSAGE THAT STEVE JOBS WROTE.
IT READS.ù "JULIAN, YOUR GENERATION IS THE
FIRST TO GROW UP WITH COMPUTERS.
GO CHANGE THE WORLD!
STEVEN JOBS, 1980."
AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO JULIAN IS, SO I CAN SAFELY SAY HE
FAILED TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
THAT'S ON YOU, JULIAN.
AND THIS WAS IMPRESSIVE!
STEVE JOBS ALSO WROTE THIS MESSAGE ON THE BACK.ù
"JULIAN, BE SURE TO CHECK OUT TED LASSO ON APPLE TV 40 YEARS
FROM NOW!
IT'S MORE FUN THAN FUNNY, BUT IT'S SINCERE AND UPLIFTING AND
JUST WHAT AMERICA NEEDS DURING A PANDEMIC."
[LAUGHTER] AND FINALLY, A WOMAN ON A
RYANAIR FLIGHT IN THE UK POSTED A PHOTO OF THE FOOD SHE WAS
SERVED ON THE PLANE CALLING IT "THE WORLD'S SADDEST BACON
SANDWICH."
HERE IT IS!
THIS IS REAL!
LOOK AT THAT.
EVEN THE PEOPLE FROM FYRE FEST ARE LIKE "NOW THAT IS A SHIT
MEAL."
THE WOMAN SAID "I FOUND THE SANDWICH SLIGHTLY OVERPRICED.
STILL ATE IT THOUGH."
I HEAR YOU, LADY, LOUD AND CLEAR.
I LOST COUNT OF THE AMOUNT OF TIMES THAT I'VE GONE, "THAT'S
TERRIBLE.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THAT'S DISGUSTING HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS.
THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE."
YEAH, ALTHOUGH IT TURNS OUT IT'S ACTUALLY ONLY THE WORLD'S SECOND
SADDEST BACON SANDWICH.
THIS IS THE SADDEST ONE.ù [LAUGHTER]
WE'VE GOT TO STOP DOING THIS SAME STUFF COLBERT'S DONE, GUYS!
AND THAT -- THAT'S THE NEWS!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "LATE LATE SHOW!"
COME ON BACK.