The latest from Ukraine,
where, despite fierce resistance from the Ukrainian people,
Russian troops are now moving into major cities
and advancing on the capitol of Kyiv.
And, folks,
there is really no hiding from this war.
Russians have reportedly attacked hospitals, schools,
and yesterday,
Russian bombs even hit a Holocaust memorial.
Which, I'm sorry. That, like, is the final straw.
That goes to show how evil Putin is.
Like, the guy's bombing Holocaust memorials?
I don't even feel comfortable using a bathroom
at a Holocaust memorial. It's too disrespectful.
Just, like, yeah, I'll find a Starbucks. It's fine.
And the fallout from the rest of the world continued today
as the United Nations approved a resolution
demanding that Russia stop this war.
But, I mean, if we're honest,
U.N. resolutions don't really mean shit to Russia.
You know? The United Nations may as well have come out
and made one of those "Imagine" videos, where everyone sings.
Still wouldn't have done anything,
but at least we would have laughed.
And so if you're looking for-for more bad news,
you're clearly a sick person,
but, uh, here it is.
There's now a hint that this invasion
may only be the first in a series.
As the world wonders what Vladimir Putin's next move
might be, his ally, the president of Belarus,
Alexander Lukashenko, may have given away the game Tuesday
when he was pictured in front of a battle map
that may have indicated plans for Moldova,
which lies to the west of Ukraine.
NEWSMAN: Lukashenko stood in front of a Ukrainian map
detailing Russia's battle plan,
which suggests moving troops from Odessa
into neighboring Moldova.
Okay, this is just crazy, man.
Th-There's a chance that Russia is planning to invade Moldova
after Ukraine?
And what's even crazier
is that we know this because this guy,
the leader of Belarus
and, clearly, the stepdad in every '80s porno,
filmed himself giving away the plan, just standing there.
"This is the plan. This is the plan."
Like, I almost go, like, "This can't be real life."
You know? 'Cause this-this is what happens in the movies.
You know how there's always, like, a-a henchman who's like,
"This is the master plan.
"We're going to-- Oh, no!
"Mr. Bond took a picture with his camera penis!
Get him!"
I also feel bad for the intern who had to get that map.
Yeah. They probably killed everyone in that Kinko's
to keep it a secret,
and then his boss just puts it on TV.
"Here's where we're going. Here's how it's gonna go."
Well, actually, Trevor, I mean,
right now, we live in the age of misinformation.
So we don't know what that is.
We don't know if that's real.
We don't know if that photo's edited.
We don't even know if Belarus is a real country.
I mean, all we do know is that--
I mean, that guy could be pointing to anything.
Maybe that's his marketing strategy
for bringing Paramount+ to Ukraine.
You know? And the arrows are, like, the marketing forces.
And, uh... Or maybe...
I don't know, maybe that's a map of Middle-earth,
and he's pointing-- he's telling Frodo where the volcano is
so he can end everything. You know?
We don't know. Maybe it's an NFT.
I'm just saying,
even if we-- even if we think that that is a map of Ukraine
and that is his battle plans,
maybe he's the greatest double agent ever.
Maybe this is his way of leaking intel to the West
without anyone figuring it out.
So before we call this guy a dumb boomer,
let's just figure out the facts first.
You might be the most optimistic person I've ever met, Ronny.
That's my middle name.
Ronny Chieng, positive and optimistic.
All right, let's move on.
Spring is on its way in America, and you know what that means.
Sunny days, flowers blooming, eating your weight in Claritin.
But there's one spring tradition
that is, unfortunately, getting cancelled.
NEWSMAN: For the first time in more than a quarter century,
Major League Baseball is canceling games
over a labor dispute.
The calendar dictates that we're not going to be able
to play the first two series of the regular season,
and those games are officially canceled.
NEWSMAN: That's 91 games so far.
Economics are at the heart of it.
Major League Baseball saw revenues go
from around $8 billion to nearly $11 billion
right before the pandemic.
Yet, players' salaries went down slightly
for four straight years.
And of the four major American sports,
baseball has the lowest minimum salary
at around $570,000.
No! (crying) No!
Don't cancel the baseball games.
How else will I get to spend $45 on a hot dog
that's a little too dry?
(crying)
(crying loudly)
The MLB is cancelling games because the players
and the league cannot agree on who gets to share the money.
Yes. And I will be honest with you.
I was shocked that baseball players' minimum pay is less
than all the other leagues, especially considering
that this sport brings in $11 billion.
And, yes, I know, $570,000 is a lot of money.
It is a lot of money.
But when you think about it from the players' point of view,
think about how long a baseball game is.
What does that $500,000 break down to?
It's, like, what? Four dollars an hour?
And by the way, please remember this.
I know a lot of people go like, "I hate the sport."
But just remember that when this happens,
a lockout doesn't just affect the players.
It affects everyone who works in and around the game,
like the people who work at the stadium,
the people who work just outside the stadium, right?
It affects the umpires, the guys selling beer,
the security guard who tackles the naked guys
who run out on to the field. Yeah.
In fact, just to pay the bills,
Mr. Met has already had to start an OnlyFans account.
-It's sad. It's not sexy. -CHIENG: Trevor,
everyone's being very alarmist about this, all right?
Dude, this is America.
As though they're gonna stop baseball.
It's gonna come back.
Of course they're going to find an agreement.
Or what's the alternative?
They're just never gonna play baseball again?
Of course it's gonna happen. This is like a...
It's like an encore at a Billy Joel concert.
You know he's going to play "Piano Man."
Just calm the (bleep) down. Just wait.
There's no patience here in America.
We love baseball, but we don't like patience,
which is ironic 'cause it's the game
you need the most patience for 'cause it's long.
(crew laughing)
All right, finally, let's talk about the movies.
The only way to legally stare at Chris Evans
for two and a half hours.
During the COVID pandemic, millions of people decided
that going to movie theaters wasn't worth the risk.
I mean, going to the movies was already a risk before COVID.
You know? Best-case scenario,
that sticky patch you were sitting in was soda.
So, with movie theaters losing ticket revenues
during the pandemic, one major chain
has come up with a really slick idea.
They're gonna charge more for the movies
that people actually want to see.
NEWSWOMAN: You may soon have to pay a little bit more
to go to the movies. AMC has started testing
a new pricing model, starting with higher prices
for tickets to The Batman.
AMC is trying out a variable pricing system,
which means new movies will cost you more than
older releases playing at the very same location.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up.
AMC is gonna make us pay more
to see new movies?
That's not fair. Yo, that's-that's not fair, people.
Because what are-what are we gonna do?
We're gonna have to pay to see The Batman.
Like, we can't not pay. Otherwise, how are we ever
gonna know where he came from, huh?
You, like, there's no other way to know.
Like, is one of his parents a bat and the other a man?
This is the first opportunity we have to find out.
And, look, to be honest,
I don't know if this is the worst model, you know?
I've always found it weird that you pay the same amount
for old movies as you do for the latest releases.
You know? So, this is-this is actually gonna make sense.
It's like, uh, it's like going back
to the-the Blockbuster rules, yeah.
And that business did well. You know what I mean?
But I will say this:
I'm worried that this is a slippery slope, man.
It's gonna be just like the airlines, yeah.
First they say they're just charging us extra
for the new movies, then they're gonna say certain seats
in the cinema are gonna cost extra.
Next thing you know, AMC won't let me
bring in a big bowl of my favorite soup from home.
What is happening to America, man?!
You seeing this, Joe Byron?
In fact, here's my counteroffer to AMC.
If you want to charge us more for new movies, fine.
But, as moviegoers, we're gonna start
paying you in increments throughout the movie.
Yeah, we can't just give you all the money up front.
We don't know if it's gonna be shit. Every 15 minutes,
we're just gonna be like,
"All right, here's five dollars. Show me the beginning.
"All right, here's another five. I want to see
what happens to that guy."
Now, after, I'll be like, "No, I'm done, I'm done."
Yeah, you gotta, you got to entertain me the whole time.
I'm sick of these movies that take 90 minutes to get going.
And then they have, like, one scene that's dope--
-And yes, I'm talking to you, Power of the Dog. -RONNY: Wait.
Trevor, you know how this dynamic pricing's gonna work.
Like, they're gonna-- It's an algorithm base,
and you're gonna have to track your data
-to determine what you like and charge you more for it. -What?
So, easy solution, okay?
Just keep-- The movies you want to watch,
just keep talking about how much they suck.
Then your phone will pick up on that,
it'll get in the algorithm,
and then your movies will be cheaper!
Like, right now. Like, let's just start it right now.
Robert Pattinson as Batman?
That's gross.
Bring back Ben Affleck!
Also, everybody knows they don't
get you on the ticket price, okay?
-The movie theatres get you on the snacks. -They do.
That's why I always keep some popcorn right in my taint,
just in case I ever need to go watch a movie.
(crew laughter)
They'll never get me on this.
I even like to keep some Snickers melted in there,
just so it's sweet and salty, you know what I'm saying?
-(laughter) -You want some?
You know, that is one of the most disgusting things
I have ever seen. You can't mix Snickers with popcorn.
You can't mix-- It's like a different type--
Don't knock it until you try it. Come on.
-I'll, I'll try it. -Yeah. Just a little.
There's more where that came from.
(laughter)
Oh! That's tainty.
That's nice.
-That's actually really good. -Mmm.
Oh, man, I need to go to the movies with you more often.
-Any time, man. -Yeah.