[Music]
we're gonna talk about code-switching I
was going to talk about bathrooms and
how awkward they can be when you look
like me and how terrifying they can be
the problem was by walking into a
bathroom aside from the occasional
homophobe and there's nothing I can say
that I'll help them the problem is
there's a very real chance a woman will
mistake me for a man and the idea that a
man will walk into a bathroom dressed
just like me
but intending to do harm isn't even a
little crazy I know not all men but not
me either and it took a long time for me
to realize that women are sometimes
scare doing not not because they're
homophobic but because at a glance I
look like you it's okay I have three
nieces and they've all gone through a
gender policing phase and every one of
them has informed me that this is a
definitely a boy haircut and these are
not girl clothes I know I look enough
like you that you guys will occasionally
follow me into a bathroom without
checking the sign and there's a
committee debating how many points
that's worth but I'm definitely winning
there's a lot of advantages to looking
like me yeah I haven't been catcalled
since I was a teenager unless it's by
gay men truly thank you I can take
public transportation I don't worry
about being groped I can read a book in
a bar and no one interrupts me to tell
me I should really really check out
David Foster Wallace but other times
when it's dangerous to look like me a
code-switch and all that is is a nifty
term for being aware of who's around you
and you adjust your language or your
behavior to fit your surroundings anyone
who grew up overseas or bounced between
cultures probably learned how to do this
early if you've ever worked a customer
service job you probably know how to
code switch you
might call it customer service voice a
surrogate Starbucks and there's this
distinct mam I'm so sorry your coffees
not as hot as fresh lava
please let me remake that for you you
either master it or you spend your
entire day getting yelled at you learn
it waiting tables or you're not making
tips anyone who served in the military
learned an entirely new personality and
basic training but code switching is an
art form that's why you see you guys
three months out of basic and they're
still standing at attention for the
bartender they never learned how to
switch back to civilian but for the rest
of us it's just inadvertent every
immigrant knows how to do it every
person of color every gay person and for
most of us learning out of code switch
is a matter of basic survival and that
the gayest man I've ever known when I
was in the Air Force his name is Jay but
in uniform he was butcher than I'll ever
be because God forbid a straight man
think Jay was a homosexual or worse Jay
was checking him out he was in for a
beating and that was the mild outcome
but we drive to a gay bar in the city
and Jay the butch airman would turn into
a sashing twink right in front of me
then we drive back to base and he'd
butch it up right before we got to the
gates mice which is a little more subtle
depending on where I am I'll mimic your
accent I grew up overseas
my mom's a military brat so my accident
started out a little continental and I'd
hit every consonants like it at me 40 it
did not play well in an Amaral of high
school Amarillo Texas as far as I know
we're famous we made the national news
probably twice a year after I graduated
this kid his name was Brian Dennehy he
was a punk he was a friend of my brother
and he was a sweet guy and he got
murdered by a rich kid with Cadillac a
year later we sued Oprah this two are
not related but Amarillo is flat and
it's dry and it's segregated and
outsiders are outsiders so I learned the
drawl which didn't help at all because
I'm still a lesbian the air force was a
little bit easier being a lesbians a
bonus in the military and we like
uniforms
until you get a little bit lazy about
the code-switching and too many people
find out you're lesbian so I moved here
to DC and I got eventually I got a job
as cable tech and I got to practice code
switching in people's houses all day
long but I started to see something
interesting we'd knock on doors all day
long and there's a very different way
that men and women will answer a door a
woman will open it just a crack if she
hasn't already questioned you through
the people first and once she feels
reasonably safe she'll open it and step
aside guys will just fling the door open
and stand there come what may
it's the difference in how we view our
bodies for men their body itself is a
defense for women our bodies are what
we're trying to defend but there's also
different way we approach doorways I
noticed it when I rode out with guys
they'd knock on a door or one of their
favorite stunts was to bang on it like
they were a cop and then they'd just
stand there waiting for a angry dog
escaping toddler or whoever they just
pissed off by being on the door like
they were serving a [ __ ] warrant I
had to tell them it's not safe it's
jarring to open a door first of all and
just see someone's nostrils and I didn't
tell them knock like a girl but I did
tell them knock and then take a couple
steps back like a girl it's a little
thing but that's one dog you didn't
catch with your face or one angry person
you didn't terrify today all right I was
guys and I'd have to tell them Jesus
don't comment on the way a woman looks
are you serious right now Greg because
somehow he'd reach the age of 30
without realizing how awkward that can
feel or how scary I'm a lesbian I know I
can't look comment on the way a woman
looks not a stranger without risking my
safety but more than that I'm a woman
and I know how uncomfortable it can feel
the guys I never had to say anything to
were the black guys I worked with white
guys aren't allowed to have bad days at
work
they're not allowed to have bad days in
public it doesn't matter
if a guy's dog died last night or his
girlfriend just dumped him if you passed
him on the street he has to smile to
show you he's safe he's not a threat
Blackmun don't have to be told to step
back from the door after they knocked
because they know that door can be
answered with a gun or not at all until
the cops arrive and black men have to be
happy slowly calmly very happy to see
the cops too but straight white men as
far as I can tell we never learned how
to code switch pretend I didn't just
tell you that I'm a gay woman pretend
I'm still one of you I don't think we've
ever learned how to code switch we're
safe
we don't feel like threats some of us
are so used to not being seen as threats
that while 40,000 of our neighbors are
murdered every single year we're
carrying guns there's a mass shooting
every weekend and where I live in Texas
and really probably all across the
country straight white men are sticking
Glock and air 15 decals to the back of
their trucks Walmart had to ban people
from carrying guns because while the
rest of us are justifiably terrified of
straight white men with guns straight
white guys seem to think the answer is
more guns everyone's paying very close
attention to their surroundings making
sure no one is threatened by us and
we're oblivious to the very real threat
we represent I used to run I don't
anymore I walk a dog who's too lazy to
do that most days but a couple months
ago I was walking my dog and a woman ran
up to us like we were old friends and I
played along because I'm really bad with
faces and I work in a bar who knows but
it turns out she didn't know me at all
she was running and a guy had been
running behind her for blocks
she didn't want to run home because no
one was home so she saw me a person with
a dog and figured I was a safe bet and
we walked home to my house and I drove
her home later and odds are that guy had
no idea what he was doing he had no idea
he just terrified young woman but we all
read the stories about a jogger who went
missing and all he had to do
was notice turn around pass her slow
down take a different turn but he didn't
because it didn't occur to him that he
could be threatening it probably doesn't
occur to him that she'll quit running
she'll just decide it's not worth the
risk and she'll miss it it's scarier at
night where I used to work in Austin the
shortest route to University of Texas
from dirty six where all the students go
to test out their fake IDs was right up
our street and I'd watch it happen
inevitably a girl or a group of girls
would come wobbling up the street in
their heels two o'clock in the morning
right about the time a pack of drunk
frat guys decided to make a run for the
light and I'd watch in case something
happened but nothing did even those
drunk frat guys aren't dangerous creeps
we all know some are though except them
because no one's going to call the cops
the cops show up no one's gonna get shot
and all it would take is what the rest
of us have to do slow down give people
space announce your friendly presence
but they don't because they don't know
that they're the threat ask any woman
you know and she'll tell you stories
about a guy who stands in the hallway or
the stairwell or the dreaded enclosed
space of an elevator and just stairs or
stairs of the spot right above your head
I can't do it like I certainly can't do
it we actually share our tactic and
elevators will smile we asked if it's
still raining out we asked which floor
we're try to make sure that we're not
the dangerous creep standing in an
elevator we code switched everyone's
doing it every gay person every
immigrant every person of color and it's
[ __ ] exhausting and maybe I'm so
invested in this because I keep getting
mistaken for one of you and it's most
glaring when I walk into a bathroom
depending on who's in there it's scary
so let's pause and I'll take a breath
before I even touch the door and I'll
like stand up straight and make sure
someone notices my boobs inside and once
I'm in the stall I'm okay
if someone's washing your hands I'll
wait for her to leave
and then I hope I make it to the door
before someone else walks in but I never
know what's on the other side of the
door it's usually no one sometimes it's
a store manager sometimes it's a cop one
time is a group of Alabama rednecks
waiting to kick the [ __ ] out of the
pervert and they did and I don't know if
I'll ever feel safe in a public bathroom
but it would help if you guys who look
an awful lot like me would code-switch
just a little and maybe one day we can
all be a little less afraid of one
another that is the end
you