WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN NEW
YORK.
IT'S 85 DEGREES, WITH 75% HUMIDITY, AND THIS AFTERNOON
ANDREW CUOMO RESIGNED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON
THE BUTT ON THE WAY OUT.
BUT IF IT DOES, THAT DOOR SHOULD ALSO RESIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR NOW, CUOMO'S STILL GOVERNOR,
BECAUSE, FOR REASONS I DON'T UNDERSTAND, CUOMO'S RESIGNATION
WILL TAKE EFFECT IN 14 DAYS.
EVIDENTLY, HE GAVE HIMSELF TWO WEEKS' NOTICE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE RESIGNATION COMES AFTER 11
WOMEN HAVE ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT, RANGING FROM RUNNING
TWO FINGERS ACROSS THE CHEST OF AN ENERGY COMPANY EMPLOYEE, TO
GRABBING THE REAR OF AN UNNAMED EMPLOYEE, TO A FORMER ASSISTANT
WHO SAYS THE GOVERNOR "REACHED UNDER HER BLOUSE AND GRABBED HER
BREAST."
AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, CUOMO TOOK FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS
ACTIONS.
SORT OF?
>> IN MY MIND, I HAVE NEVER CROSSED THE LINE WITH ANYONE
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THE EXTENT TO WHICH THE LINE HAS BEEN
REDRAWN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
LINE HE'S TALKING ABOUT, BUT HOPEFULLY HE'LL EXPLAIN IT IN
HIS NEW BOOK, "ANDREW AND THE PURPLE CRAYON."
( LAUGHTER ) WARNING: THAT'S NOT A CRAYON
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT IS PURPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE MORE DISTURBING
DETAILS IN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S REPORT WAS THE
ALLEGATION THAT CUOMO HAD HARASSED A MEMBER OF HIS OWN
SECURITY DETAIL.
>> AT PUBLIC EVENTS, TROOPERS WILL OFTEN HOLD DOORS OPEN OR
GUARD THE DOORWAYS.
WHEN I WALK PAST THEM, I OFTEN WILL GIVE THEM A GRIP OF THE
ARM, A PAT ON THE FACE, A TOUCH ON THE STOMACH OR SLAP ON THE
BACK.
IT IS MY WAY OF SAYING I SEE YOU.
I APPRECIATE YOU.
>> Stephen: WOW!
DID YOU WATCH HE REALLY TRIED TO SLIP IN THAT "TOUCH ON THE
STOMACH" AS IF IT'S ALL THE SAME.
(AS CUOMO) "I WOULD OFTEN PAT THEM ON THE
BACK, STROKE THEM ON THE GROIN, GIVE THEM A FRIENDLY SUCK ON THE
TOE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN THEY MOVED THE LINE!"
SO, EVIDENTLY, HE TOUCHES POLICE OFFICERS ON THE STOMACH.
A TRADITION HE STARTED WITH HIS ORIGINAL CHIEF OF SECURITY,
LARRY POPPIN' FRESH.
( LAUGHTER ) IN A FITTING BIT OF KARMA, 14
DAYS FROM NOW, NEW YORK WILL HAVE ITS FIRST FEMALE GOVERNOR
CURRENT LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR KATHY HOKUL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW.
I DID NOT REALIZE HOW MANY HOCHUL FANS THERE WERE OUT
THERE.
HOKUL WILL BE TAKING THE SEAT VACATED BY CUOMO.
HOPEFULLY, AFTER PUTTING A TOWEL DOWN FIRST.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) CUOMO'S ON HIS WAY OUT, BUT
COVID'S MAKING A COMEBACK.
THANKS TO THE DELTA VARIANT, THE U.S. IS AVERAGING OVER 120,000
NEW COVID CASES A DAY, MORE THAN DOUBLE THE LEVELS OF TWO WEEKS
AGO.
AT THIS POINT, THE DELTA VARIANT IS MOVING THROUGH US FASTER THAN
A CHALUPA THROUGH A BASSET HOUND.
( LAUGHTER ) PAINTS A PICTURE, DOESN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, THE WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, ALL THIS COVID NEWS
COMES RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF BACK-TO-SCHOOL SEASON.
AND UNLIKE ORIGINAL COVID, THE DELTA VARIANT IS HITTING KIDS
HARD.
THEY CAN'T GET VACCINATED YET, WHICH IS WHY WE NEED MASK
MANDATES.
BUT THAT HAS ENRAGED A LOT OF CONSERVATIVES, LIKE THIS KANSAS
WOMAN WHO SPOKE AT A COUNTY COMMISSIONER'S MEETING.
>> I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN LOGIC, A MASTER'S IN MOTHERHOOD,
BUT MOSTLY I'M BOARD CERTIFIED IN BEING A FREEDOM-LOVING
AMERICAN.
THE U.S. CONSTITUTION WAS DESIGNED TO LIMIT CONTROL OF THE
GOVERNMENT.
WE FOUGHT A CIVIL WAR AND WE ARE NO LONGER SUBJECTS.
>> STEPHEN: I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT THAT ONE WAS ABOUT, BUT I
DON'T HAVE MY MASTERS IN MOTHERHOOD.
I'M SORRY.
GO ON.
>> LET'S LOOK AT WHAT ELSE, YOU KNOW, THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS THAT
I DON'T LISTEN TO.
JUST YESTERDAY, I ATE MY EGGS OVER EASY.
I ATE OYSTERS AT LUNCH.
I HAD A CAESAR SALAD AND A STEAK, AND I ORDERED IT RARE.
>> STEPHEN: HANG ON.
EGGS, OYSTERS, AND A RARE STEAK IN ONE DAY?
FORGET MASK BANS.
WE NEED TO BAN THAT LADY FROM USING THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO TROUBLE BREWING ON
COLLEGE CAMPUSES, BECAUSE A LOT OF SCHOOLS ARE REQUIRING PROOF
OF VACCINATIONS, SO SOME STUDENTS ARE RUSHING TO GET
FAKE VACCINE CARDS.
NO SURPRISE A BUNCH OF 19-YEAR-OLDS ARE TRYING TO LIE
ABOUT PROTECTION.
(AS COLLEGE BOY) "BABE, I CAN'T GET THE VACCINE.
IT KILLS ALL THE SENSATION FROM THE PROTEIN SPIKES."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT KIDS, IF YOU'RE
UNVACCINATED, I HAVE A HOT HOOKUP FOR A PLACE THAT'S GIVING
OUT VACCINE CARDS.
FOR FREE.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET A LITTLE POKE IN YOUR ARM, THEN
COME BACK IN THREE WEEKS, DO IT AGAIN, AND YOU'LL GET A CARD
THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE REAL THING.
TRY IT!
IT'S YEET!
( LAUGHTER ) IS IT YEET?
>> Jon: SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YEET TRYING TO GET OUT OF THERE.
YEET.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, IF COVID IS
TEMPTING YOU TO LEAVE THE PLANET, I'VE GOT THE
LATEST FROM LOW ORBIT IN MY INTERGALACTIC SEGMENT: SPACE
NEWS: ADVERTISING IN SPACE EDITION!
THERE'S BIG NEWS ABOUT SPACE-X FOUNDER AND FAILED REBOOT OF THE
FONZ, ELON MUSK.
MUSK'S COMPANY PLANS TO PUT BILLBOARDS IN SPACE.
ELON, NO!
MANKIND GAZES UP THE STARS TO WONDER "WHAT'S UP THERE?
WHAT'S MY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE?"
NOT "WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?"
TURNS OUT IT'S NOT QUITE AS BAD AS THAT HEADLINE WOULD IMPLY.
APPARENTLY, THE PLAN IS TO LAUNCH A SQUARE-SHAPED
SATELLITE, WITH ONE SIDE USED AS A DISPLAY SCREEN, THE
SATELLITE WILL BE EQUIPPED WITH A SELFIE STICK SO IT CAN FILM
THE DISPLAY SCREEN AND THEN LIVE-STREAM THE ADS TO PLATFORMS
LIKE YOUTUBE.
OH GOOD.
USING THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN INGENUITY AND ENGINEERING TO
MAKE MORE OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE PART OF YOUTUBE: THE ADS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I GET WHY A COMPANY MIGHT
WANT ITS AD DISPLAYED WITH EARTH IN THE BACKGROUND.
BUT YOU DON'T NEED YOUR OWN SATELLITE TO DO THAT.
YOU JUST NEED THE BEST GRAPHICS TEAM IN LATE NIGHT.
THAT'S HOW I ALREADY HAVE ADS IN SPACE FOR MY NEW LOLLIPOP
COMPANY: SUCK IT, ELON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S GOOD.
NICE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY SUCCESSFUL.
THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, WE DIDN'T STOP AT EARTH.
I ALSO DEFINITELY HAVE ADS FLOATING ABOVE THE SURFACE OF
SATURN.
YOU CAN ALSO GET YOUR AD NEXT TO THE DEATH STAR, BUT IF YOU
REALLY WANT YOUR SPACE AD TO BREAK THROUGH, YOU GOTTA THINK
OUTSIDE THE BOX WITH ONE LIKE THIS:
( SCREAMING ) >> OH, GOD!
>> ♪ 1-877-KARS-4KIDS DONATE YOUR CAR TODAY ♪
>> Stephen: IT'S A BETTER AD.
THAT IMPROVES IT.
THAT'S A BETTER AD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THERE'S ONE BRIGHT, HOPEFUL SPOT OF NEWS IN AMERICA.
AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO RESTAURATEUR AND DRUNK PARTY
PORCUPINE, GUY FIERI.
HOP A BUS FOR FLAVOR TOWN, BECAUSE CHEF FIERI HAS A NEW
CULINARY INVENTION: THE "APPLE PIE HOT DOG."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THE SENATE'S ALL PROUD OF THEIR
TRILLION DOLLAR BIPARTISAN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL.
BUT THIS PATRIOT BUILT A BRIDGE BETWEEN HOT DOG AND FOOD!
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ENTREE
OF FREEDOM: WHOA!
IT'S A HOT DOG POP TART!
FORGET PIGS IN A BLANKET-THESE PIGS HAVE A KING SIZE PASTRY
DUVET!
GUY DIDN'T WORK ALONE ON THIS BEAUTY-IT WAS A SPECIAL COLLAB,
AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE FULL HEADLINE: "GUY FIERI INVENTS
APPLE PIE HOT DOG WITH CHEVROLET FOR MAJOR LEAGUE
BASEBALL'S FIELD OF DREAMS GAME."
AND WE FOUND IT: THE MOST AMERICAN SENTENCE EVER WRITTEN.
SORRY, "WE THE PEOPLE," THIS' IS OUR CONSTITUTION NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SADLY, THESE DOGS ARE ONLY AVAILABLE IN IOWA AT THURSDAY'S
"FIELD OF DREAMS" GAME.
BUT IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT, DON'T WORRY: GUY RELEASED THIS VIDEO
OF HOW TO MAKE YOUR VERY OWN AT HOME:
>> FIRST, PIE CRUST.
THEN SOME BACON JAM, A LITTLE BROWN SUGAR, A LITTLE HONEY, AND
A LITTLE APPLE CIDER VINEGAR.
APPLE PIE FILLING, I IMAGINE YOU PROBABLY HAVE AN AWESOME APPLE
PIE FILLING THAT YOUR GRANDMA USED TO MAKE BUT IF YOU WANNA
GET THAT CANNED STUFF, IT'S FINE TO USE IN THIS.
>> STEPHEN: (AS FIERI) "HELL, PUT THE CAN IN THERE TOO.
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH THIS MAMMA-JAMMA, PACK IT WITH
GARBAGE AND JUST LEAVE A SLOT TO SLIDE THAT DOG IN!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS A MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT IN HOT DOG DESSERTS.
BUT I HAVE ONE SMALL BONE TO PICK WITH FIERI: HE CLAIMS TO
HAVE INVENTED THE PIE DOG, THE TRUTH IS, HE'S NOT THE FIRST.
JIM, ROLL THAT CLIP FROM 2007: >> I'M MORE AMERICAN THAN APPLE
PIE.
I'M LIKE APPLE PIE WITH A HOT DOG IN IT.
SEXY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN" )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'VE SAID IT ONCE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: I AM THE
ORIGINAL GUY FIERI.
AND I HAVE BEEN SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
JUST LOOK AT MY SENIOR PICTURE.
REGARDLESS OF WHO CAME UP WITH IT, A HOT DOG INSIDE AN APPLE
PIE IS BRILLIANT.
I WANT A HOT DOG INSIDE AN APPLE PIE INSIDE STEPHEN COLBERT.
LUCKILY, GUY FIERI SENT ME ONE!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HERE WE GO.
THIS IS ACTUALLY SENT FROM MR. P FIERI.
THANK YOU.
NOW, HE'S CONFIDENT I'M GOING TO LOVE IT.
AS HE SAID HIMSELF, "I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE REACTIONS FROM
FANS AS THEY TAKE THEIR FIRST BITE OF THE APPLE PIE HOT DOG!"
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT, GUY.
'CUZ I'M ABOUT TO TASTE AMERICA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE GOES NOTHING.
MMM.
IT'S LIKE MARTHA WASHINGTON GAVE BIRTH IN MY MOUTH.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CNN ANCHOR BRIAN STELTER.
WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!
STICK AROUND!
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )