Opposers, I have a shocking confession: I can't do it all.
So I always roll
with my stranger from another manger-- Jesus.
(laughter)
He follows me wherever I go.
That's why I order two Bloomin' Onions
when I'm eating alone at Outback.
-MAN: Yeah! -(whooping, scattered applause)
And like any bro who has my back, Jesus picks up the tab.
(laughter)
I assume. I bounce, and I don't look back.
Now, I'm a man, and therefore, an amazing driver.
But sometimes the road of life gets twisty and treacherous.
That's when I sit back and let Jesus take the wheel.
(angelic voices singing)
(applause and cheering)
Thanks, J.C.
(laughter)
Conservatives know that there are many problems on this earth
that man just cannot solve, so we shouldn't try.
Take teen pregnancy.
Donald Trump believes in abstinence-only sex ed.
And Donald Trump is an expert on abstinence.
He always, always waits until marriage,
or until his lawyer wires them 130 grand.
(laughter)
So Trump pulled the plug on Obama's
sinfully comprehensive teen pregnancy program,
-which only reduced teen pregnancy. -(men booing)
But Trump wants to eliminate it.
It's how I live my life.
When my doctor told me to reduce my cholesterol,
I did him one better and got rid of it completely.
(laughter)
Unrelated-- my vision is blurred,
and I smell burning toast at all times.
(laughter)
So when it comes to sex ed,
President Trump is letting Jesus take the wheel.
WOMAN: The Trump administration published its new
pregnancy-prevention plan last week.
What's being said now is the "sexual risk avoidance,"
which is just a different way of saying "abstinence only."
We believe that abstinence-only education is harmful.
Wrong, lady.
You know... you know what's harmful?
A bunch of teens running around
who know more about the vagina than I do.
(laughter)
It's humiliating!
To get funding under Trump's new proposal,
schools are required to use elements
from programs like SMARTool,
a faith-friendly curriculum that promotes abstinence
by making kids afraid of sex,
a tactic they call "fear arousal."
(laughter, groaning)
The idea is to make teens horny--
not for sex, but for fear.
(laughter)
It's a winning GOP campaign strategy,
and also why some jerk keeps (bleep)
my jack-o'-lantern every Halloween.
(laughter)
(applause)
To be clear, I'm not saying
it's wrong to (bleep) jack-o'-lanterns.
It's a safe alternative to actual sex.
I'm just saying, get your own.
(laughter)
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's jack-o'-lantern...
Carl.
(laughter)
This is great.
Contraception has no place in schools.
Teens can't see a condom these days without
snorting it up their nose. Look at this.
(men laughing)
(laughter, groaning)
-(audience groaning loudly) -(men laughing)
(groaning, laughter)
I am 95% sure
that's not what you're supposed to do with condoms.
(laughter)
Bottom line: the only one
who should be knocking up teenage girls is God himself.
-(some people groaning) -So, to prevent teen...
Jesus, guys. Do you ev...?
Mary Magdalene. Look it up.
So to prevent teen pregnancy,
forget the birds and the bees and let Jesus take the wheel.
-(horn honking) -(applause and cheering)
Yes.
Drive, Jesus, drive!
Drive all the way to the swamp, Washington, D.C.
where Donald Trump is under attack by Deep State forces,
and Jeff Sessions and Rod Rosenstein refuse
to take a samurai blood oath to protect their president.
If no one on earth can defend our president,
we must call on divine intervention
to shield him with prayer.
Let this fiery televangelist lead the way.
God was faithful November 9, and he spoke to me.
He showed me the vision of a dome covering the president
and the Executive Branch.
This assignment would be ours--
to be a strike force, a spiritual strike force.
The POTUS shield.
Feel that charisma! Whoa!
I haven't been this moved in church since I learned
that we're allowed to hurl stones at people.
But what is this POTUS shield, you ask?
Well, who are you? Robert Mueller?
It's... a prayer-powered force field
protecting Donald Trump and his MAGA mission.
It's got everything-- swords, lions,
a lake of fire, for some reason.
And you and I can be part of the POTUS shield
by purchasing a DVD set for a $55 donation.
This is real.
And like all donations, it's a fixed price
that you have to pay if you want the product.
And boy, do I want that product! Here, take my money, Jesus.
Whoo!
And my... take my prayers.
And most important, take the wheel.
(horn blowing)
(applause, cheering)
Yeah, Opposers, it...
it is important to put our faith in God,
but sometimes God could use some second-guessing.
Enter Paul Ryan.
NEWSWOMAN: House Democrats and even
some Republicans are angry over the sudden firing
of their longtime chaplain by Speaker Paul Ryan.
NEWSMAN: Ryan's office complained last year
that Conroy got too political during a tax cut debate.
NEWSWOMAN: Conroy prayed on the House floor,
urging lawmakers to strive for economic equality.
Yes, good for you, Paul.
As Jesus said, "Let thy skin be the thinnest."
(laughter)
Now, Ryan says the firing wasn't politically motivated,
but that Father Conroy just hadn't offered
enough spiritual support to lawmakers.
It's a great point.
Did that chaplain ever once pray
for the return of Paul Ryan's missing spine?
-No. -(laughter, groaning)
-He did not. No. -(applause, cheering)
No.
And meanwhile some people are running around
with too much spine.
Like those pesky Parkland kids.
Why aren't you praying about that inequality?
So, Paul Ryan,
thank you for shit-canning this man of the cloth,
and for knowing when Jesus shouldn't take the wheel.
You hear me, JC?
You turned a few too many waters into wine, bud.
I hate to do this, but, Jesus, give me the keys.
Come on. Come on, give me the keys.
Give me the keys, Jesus.
-(heavenly choir sings) -Yes. Yes.
Uh...
A Yaris? Really?
Jesus.