WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M SO HAEP-- I'M SO HAPPY YOU COULD JOIN US OUT THERE.
BUT I'M ESPECIALLY HAPPY THAT THESE PEOPLE COULD JOIN US IN
HERE, AFTER MUSHING THEIR SLED DOGS THROUGH THE MIDTOWN TUNDRA
TO JOIN US HERE AT THE ED SULLIVAN IGLOO!
TRULY THE HEROES.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS OUT THERE TONIGHT.
NEW YORK IS GRIPPED BY A BLIZZARD TONIGHT.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED, NEW YORK KIDS WERE MAKING SNOWMEN INSTEAD
OF THEIR USUAL GARBAGE BAG MEN.
STAY SAFE OUT THERE, EVERYBODY-- ESPECIALLY DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE
THERE'S A WHOLE OTHER STORM...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HEADED HIS WAY.
JIM.
>> PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS SUING PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I KNOW WE'RE GETTING NUMB TO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY.
IT'S A NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISM.
BUT LET THOSE WORDS SINK IN FOR A SECOND-- "A PORN STAR IS SUING
THE PRESIDENT."
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THIS SINCE THE FAMOUS HEADLINE, "DEWEY BOINKS TRUMAN."
( LAUGHTER ) THE WOMAN IN QUESTION HERE,
AGAIN, IS PORN STAR-- AND I'M GOING TO GUESS FUTURE CHIEF OF
STAFF-- STORMY DANIELS.
SHE'S PROVEN.
( APPLAUSE ) SHE'S PROVEN SHE CAN HANDLE THE
STAFF.
NOW MISS DANIELS RECEIVED $130,000 RIGHT BEFORE THE
ELECTION TO KEEP THEIR AFFAIR A SECRET.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
IF I WERE HER, I'D KEEP THAT SECRET FOR FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW DANIELS IS SUING DONALD
TRUMP OVER THE CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT, ALLEGING THAT IT IS
INVALID, BECAUSE WHILE BOTH SHE AND TRUMP'S ATTORNEY SIGNED IT,
TRUMP HIMSELF NEVER DID.
SO THIS IS THE THING TRUMP THOUGHT WAS TOO SKETCHY TO PUT
HIS NAME ON.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ABOUT TRUMP UNIVERSITY, OR
DON JR.?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP'S LAWYER--
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD.
>> Jon: NELO!
>> Stephen: I WOULDN'T.
TRUMP'S LAWYER COULD HAVE JUST FORMED TRUMP'S SIGNATURE.
ALL HE'D NEED IS A SEISMOGRAPH.
BUT AS JUICY AS THIS LAWSUIT IS, AND IT IS JUICY, IT HINTS AT
SOMETHING EVEN JUICIER, BECAUSE IT MENTIONS
THAT DANIELS IS IN POSSESSION OF "CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION" THAT
INCLUDES "CERTAIN STILL IMAGES AND/OR TEXT MESSAGES" FROM
TRUMP.
I THINK WE CAN ALL GUESS WHAT THESE STILL IMAGES ARE.
CBS WILL NOT PERMIT ME TO SAY THE COLLOQUIAL TERM, SO LET'S
JUST CALL THEM, "PENIS PORTRAITS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE MAY NOT--
AND WE MAY NOT HAVE TO WAIT FOR STORMY DANIELS.
I'M PRETTY SURE DON JR.'S JUST GOING TO TWEET THEM OUT.
"WAY TO GO, DAD'S PENIS!
I CAME OUT OF THAT."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW HOW BABIES ARE MADE,
RIGHT?
I DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANY NEWS RIGHT NOW.
AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT THE LAWSUIT,
FAVORITE PART ABOUT THE LAWSUIT, WHICH IS THAT THE
CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT REFERS TO TRUMP AS DAVID DENNISON,
WHILE REFERRING TO DANIELS AS PEGGY PETERSON.
ODD NAMES, BUT IT MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU SEE THE REST OF THE
DOCUMENT, BECAUSE THOSE NAMES ARE ACTUALLY ABBREVIATED IN THE
LAWSUIT AS TWO OF TRUMP'S FAVORITE THINGS:
DOUBLE D.s AND P.P.
ALLEGEDLY.
ALLEGEDLY, JON, WE DON'T KNOW.
>> Jon: WE DON'T KNOW, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: NOW, IT TURNS OUT, USING CAMPAIGN FUNDS TO PAY OFF
YOUR PORN STAR MISTRESS COULD BE A VIOLATION OF
CAMPAIGN FINANCE LAW.
BUT ENTER TRUMP LAWYER AND MAN DOING A SELF-PROSTATE EXAM,
MICHAEL COHEN.
COHEN IS GENERALLY REFERRED TO AS TRUMP'S "FIXER."
YEAH, THAT'S THE KIND OF FIXER YOU WANT.
"I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM HERE, BOSS.
IF YOU WANT, I COULD MAKE IT GO AWAY... FOR ABOUT A YEAR, AND
THEN COME ROARING BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ASS!"
AND COHEN DID TRY TO MAKE IT GO AWAY, CLAIMING LAST MONTH, "IN A
PRIVATE TRANSACTION IN 2016, I USED MY OWN PERSONAL FUNDS TO
FACILITATE A PAYMENT OF $130,000 TO MS. STEPHANIE CLIFFORD."
STEPHANIE CLIFFORD, OF COURSE, IS STORMY DANIELS' REAL NAME.
SHE CHANGED IT SO SHE WOULD NOT BIG RED PORN STAR.
I HAVE THOUGH BOOKS.
>> Jon: YOU HAVE THOSE BOOKS?
YOU WHO, NOW THEY'RE RUINED.
>> Stephen: I HAD THE COLLECTION.
I DIDN'T HAVE THAT ONE, BUT I HAD THE REST OF THE COLLECTION.
COHEN CONTINUED, "NEITHER THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION NOR THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN WAS A PARTY TO THE TRANSACTION WITH
MS. CLIFFORD, AND NEITHER REIMBURSED ME FOR THE PAYMENT,
EITHER DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY."
"REIMBURSED"?
THIS ISN'T CAB FARE OR A COFFEE ORDER.
"DON, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS ONE.
YOU GET THE NEXT PORN STAR."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, COHEN HAS DENIED THE AFFAIR
EVER HAPPENED BUT EXPLAINED THE PAYMENT THIS WAY, "JUST BECAUSE
SOMETHING ISN'T TRUE DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT CAN'T CAUSE YOU
HARM OR DAMAGE.
I WILL ALWAYS PROTECT MR. TRUMP."
HE HAS GOT TO BE THE GREATEST WINGMAN OF ALL TIME.
IN FACT, JUST TODAY, MICHAEL COHEN PUT THAT PROMISE INTO A
MUSIC VIDEO.
♪ LEAN ON ME WHEN YOU BANG A PORN STAR
♪ AND I'LL PAY HER OFF YOU CAN KEEP BANGIN' ON ♪
>> Stephen: THAT ALWAYS GETS ME.
THAT GETS ME.
IT HITS ME RIGHT HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
>> Jon: POIGNANT.
>> Stephen: BILL WITHERS WOULD BE SO HAPPY.
>> Jon: BILL WOULD LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: THEN MONDAY, WE LEARNED THAT COHEN'S PAYMENT TO
STORMY DANIELS WAS REPORTED AS SUSPICIOUS BY HIS BANK.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
THE MEMO LINE OF THE CHECK SPECIFICALLY SAID, "NOT HUSH
MONEY FOR PORN STAR."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ONE OF THE REASONS THE
PAYMENT WAS SUSPICIOUS IS THAT JUST DAYS BEFORE, COHEN CREATED
AN ENTIRELY NEW COMPANY TO MAKE THE PAYMENT, CALLED ESSENTIAL
CONSULTANTS, LLC.
"YEAH, I'D LIKE TO OPEN A NEW ACCOUNT.
CENTRAL CONSULTANTS LLC.
WE ARE CONSULTANTS FOCUSING ON ESSENTIAL...
WE'RE PAYING OFF A PORN STAR."
BUT THE BOMBSHELL NEWS IS THAT "AFTER MR. TRUMP'S
VICTORY, MR. COHEN COMPLAINED TO FRIENDS THAT HE HAD YET TO BE
REIMBURSED FOR THE PAYMENT TO MISS CLIFFORD."
WELL, MR. COHEN, MAYBE NOW YOU'LL SYMPATHIZE WITH STORMY
DANIELS, BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP HAS SCREWED YOU BOTH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YESTERDAY--
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YES!
WE HAVE A HEALTHY, HEALTHY SEX-POSITIVE AUDIENCE HERE
TONIGHT.