[How to last longer in bed] Welcome to The Attractive Man Podcast,
where we help men become better men in these episodes.
You'll discover how to improve your dating and relationships,
how to break through your mental limits that are holding you back and how to
move through life with confidence and purpose. I'm your host,
Matt Artisan. What's up guys.
We'll come back to the attractive man podcast today.
I'm really excited because I'm with both Jules Bia,
one of our expert coaches at The Attractive Man,
as well as special guest Ruwan,
who specializes in helping men become their most true,
attractive masculine self and was a libido columnist in psychology
today.
So let's talk about arousal control and sexual alchemy.
I don't even know what that means. Can you explain that first.
Uh, arousal control is basically being able to control your arousal. I mean, uh,
it goes by other names. People are calling it, uh,
semen retention or e*****tion control. Um,
I'm calling arousal control because as I've been mentioning,
I think the application is a lot larger than just not coming too soon. It's,
uh, as we were mentioning your ability to handle tension,
if you can handle the tension of a woman in high arousal,
and you can handle your high sensation for an unlimited amount of time,
you could probably handle a lot of things in life. Uh,
same physical skill it's like,
does your body contract and tense and the response to a stimulus,
or can you feel a lot and still just be chill. Um,
and the sexual alchemy is kind of a mystical term, like a,
Alchemy's the idea of turning lead into gold or philosophically it's like taking
your base, uh,
base emotions or base a experience and turning it to something more valuable.
Um, so there's some applications. If you can prolong sexual, uh,
sexual stimulation, you can use that arousal for positive effects,
emotionally creatively intellectually.
Is sexual alchemy,
basically transforming your emotions or transforming her
emotions into sexual emotions?
I would say the other way around is transforming your sexual arousal into
something you can do with it. And like, um, so I'll, I'll tell a story. I mean,
I was studying, uh, Montauk.
She has worked for a long time and he teaches a lot of the physical components
of drawing the energy out of your genitals and up your spine. And, uh,
for a long time, that was kind of confusing to me,
even though I was doing a lot of those practices,
I was doing a lot of sexual stuff. I was practicing it,
but I didn't really get like the whole, uh,
like past a certain point in my body. I couldn't feel arousal move.
I didn't really know what he was talking about. And, um,
I was getting head from this woman once upon a time. And, uh, and I noticed,
I don't know why this happened this time and not other times,
but I noticed that as I started a c*m I wanted to laugh and that seemed like a
very bizarre thing. And honestly, I probably had felt like doing that before,
but I thought it'd be too goofy. Or like, I didn't want her to think like,
what the is this guy doing? Uh, you know,
laughing while I'm giving him head or something, but for this time,
for some reason, I just let it fly and whatever, I don't know.
She maybe thought it was a little weird,
but I noticed the level of joy I felt was higher than it just didn't make
sense to me. And like,
essentially my model for understanding here is that I took this raw emotion or
this raw sensation at the base level,
our reptilian nervous system processes feeling as sensation pleasure, obviously,
you know, sexually, it's like a raw thing you could feel in your body,
but it's localized, right? Like, um, emotion is the next level of that,
where your mammalian brain is now processing the same stimulus.
But now at a more nuanced level,
emotion is a little more complex than sensation.
So that's like a very simple transmutation, you know, uh,
arousal of gave me the giggles, right? And like, you can see this,
like with women,
like if they were given a woman or seeing a woman have a big orgasm and she
starts crying,
it's a very similar thing that happens a little more naturally with women
because they're a sensation to emotion connection,
their genital heart connection maybe is a little more open than most guys,
but like that in itself is a transportation.
You're taking this raw material of arousal and turning it into joy.
And then you can take it higher levels to creativity and like expansive thinking
and mental wellbeing, um, all off of this positive sensation, uh,
from our lower body.
I, yeah, I had a, um, a story from a few months ago actually with a partner.
And that was with we, uh, we had probably, uh,
probably had sex for probably like three and a half, almost four hours,
one night. And every time I would get close,
I would stop.
And I would just get her to kind of caress my body and help me absorb the energy
more.
And it got to the point where like something broke inside of me and for about
45 minutes,
grief would come up and then I would hysterically laugh and then more
grief and then hysterical laughter.
And then eventually it turned into probably the last 15 minutes of just
ecstatic, hysterical laughter.
And like my body's just like going like this and like moving and stuff.
It was a, it was phenomenal. I've had several books.
What does she think of that? Oh, she's she was, uh, she was all woke.
Like she wasn't,
she knows about this stuff and also want to have a partner after the first
couple of times I communicate to them, this kind of stuff that I practice.
You may see things like I'll have an orgasm and I'll just hysterically be
laughing. And just like,
my body will be like out of control for like even like five or 10 minutes.
And uh, I was like, so don't take offense to it.
It's actually a very good thing just to enjoy it. Um,
I've never really had a problem. I just communicate that I'm, I'm very,
I'm going to be very different than probably all the men you've ever had sex
with basically. And it's fun because then they challenge that.
I have a question then.
Ruwan,
does that mean when you're having sex or you're being intimate
with someone that whatever comes up emotionally,
energetically, you should just go with it?
Versus like suppressing it.
Cause I'm sure a lot of guys I'm sure myself have felt certain things,
whether it's laughter or whatever during sex and just like kind of
pushed it back down. I was like, no, this isn't really appropriate right now.
Yeah. I mean, when it comes to most impulses, when you suppress them,
there typically is something not good that happens. I mean,
it's kind of like a basic psychological idea. Um, yeah.
And like when it comes to feeling States actually say like,
the whole reason why I got into sexuality was that from, for various reasons,
I had gotten so into my head and gotten so used to suppressing instincts that it
actually made me impotent. Like I was 23, I was physically healthy.
My hormones were normal. The urologist that I was fine,
but for like a year I was dependent on Viagra because I couldn't,
I was just so cut off from my sensations that my body literally numbed out
because I was numbing out my emotions so much.
And that's what got me into this whole thing.
Like over this process of like sensitizing my body,
but also learning how to feel my impulses and listened to small desires.
That's how I got my mojo back. And then, and then some so I, yeah. I mean,
yeah, they just, there's no reason to not, I mean like what,
like what's the worst that would happen? She thinks less of you. Like, like,
do you want to cater to that?
Or do you want to express yourself as the question? Like, no,
one's getting hurt by you laughing. So, you know, um, yeah.
And anything in like,
whether you're in relationship or this a one night stand or whatever,
like a good woman will.
Get it eventually, even if they think it's weird,
like I'll say like anytime I do M*MA and I have sex the next day, I always cry.
I can't help it. I don't know. Serotonin dump. I have no idea, but like,
it's just a thing that I expect and it just happens.
And I could talk about it with the person before or afterwards. And you know,
these are just feelings like, this is why humans exist. This is why we connect.
So like why suppress that?
I like that, that makes a lot of sense.
What are some other arousal control techniques or just ways
of that, that a man could be better in bed and please his woman.
Yeah. So one of the basic, uh, physical sides of this, uh,
is being able to draw the sensation out of your genitals,
which I know can probably sound like crazy to some people. Um,
but if you just consider that if you pay attention to any body part,
you will start to notice sensations more,
just like we were talking about in the beginning,
like you pay attention to something, you feel more of it. It,
even if it's connected to you, especially if it's connected to you and, um,
the sensation of arousal and most of us when we're having sex or being sexually
stimulated, we own it. Like it stays localized in our genitals.
And if you can draw that sensation out of your genitals,
whether it's up your spine way, you know, Taoists and tantra people teach,
or like just anywhere out of your body, um, you're preventing you're, uh,
you're preventing that from getting saturated to the point where you can't
control it. It's like you're spreading it out rather than having it, you know,
um, get too hot in one spot.
So the technique I teach guys in the beginning who maybe
I just don't know how to start is if you feel sexual stimulation by
herself with a partner, so you can actually see, or you can recognize like, Oh,
I feel like sensation in my Dick. Like that's where it is. I can feel it.
It's very clear. Uh, you can imagine attaching a color to it,
golden light, red, whatever. Purple. It doesn't matter.
And then do your best to feel.
Just imagine that like substance moving into your body and up your spine,
like into your sacrum, I'm up your tailbone for instance.
And at first you might not be sure if it's in your head or not,
you might just be faking it. You might just be imagining the golden light move,
but eventually you will start to notice that that sensation starts to diffuse
into your body. Now it's spreading out.
And instead of just being in this one spot, and if you imagine that,
like you have a balloon in your sexual capacity and it wants its fall at
pops, meaning you c*m if you can just make the balloon bigger,
obviously you could fill a more air if air sensation. So like,
that's the basic idea. Like if a guy can just,
I pull it out of his genitals. So it's not, it's not just localized there.
He lasts longer. He'll feel better.
He might feel it in his whole body when he does come,
if he chooses to c*m or whatever, he'll feel it.
I got a whole body orgasm or more of his body rather than just like a genital
sneeze. And actually, uh,
my alternate tip to people who wants to, who wants to like, uh,
who normally I think a baseball stats to c*m. I forget about all this stuff.
If it's too complicated for you, I basically tell the guys,
if you're about to come, think about your hands and your feet,
like still pay attention to the woman. Just notice what your palms feel like.
Notice what your feet feel like.
Just noticing that will draw the sensation to your extremities,
the hands and feet only because of the farthest thing from your D*ck.
You just think about that. Still have sex, still pay attention to your body.
Still pay attention to her, just notice your hands and feet.
It'll be almost like you're spreading out the sensation to your entire physical
body instead of, you know, however big your D*ck is.
And that almost always will help a guy lasts at least a few minutes longer.
I like that.
Definitely going to try that instead of thinking about baseball or,
you know, whatever,
like tried to think of something non-sexual like that way you're still in the
moment, but you're focusing on your own body.
I like that. Right? So that way you, you,
you stay connected with her and at the same time, you're lasting longer.
And it sounds like not only are you lasting longer,
but the pleasure would get more intense because it's not just in that one
spot. It's just not on your D*ck. It's throughout your body.
Yeah. And when the pleasure increases for you,
it should be easier for you to pay attention.
Like we would would assume if you like, what's going on. So like, yeah,
that means a win-win win across the board.
About lasting too long. Is that such a thing?
Because I've heard women say that if the guy lasts too
long, that she starts to wonder like, what's wrong.
Why can't I make him finish?
And she starts like getting in her head thinking like, okay, like,
am I not good enough? Am I not hot enough that he can't c*m?
Yeah. I mean, there's two things in there. I mean,
the first thing is like what Jules was mentioning, like expectations.
Like if you just tell her, like, I don't come every time, not about you, like,
she'll get it right. It can be harvest some women,
especially if they've only had sex with guys who are only having sex.
Like they learn from porn. They might think that something's wrong.
Just got to explain it to them. It's a simple conversation. Um,
but there's another thing in there with like, I'm,
I've heard this from women in like the tantra world or anything.
Like they're there with guys. And like they're done after X amount of time.
They're done after an hour,
but this guy wants to keep going and going and going. And I'd actually say,
I mean, there's something,
if that is the case where two people are so far off in what they want,
they're not connected.
And he maybe he learned some physical techniques to last longer,
or maybe he's on Viagra or he's on something. But like, if, if he,
if you really want to do something and she really doesn't,
then you're definitely not connected.
This goes for anything sexual or even pre sexual. So like, cause like if you're,
if you're really tuned into a woman and she's the type of woman that say after
she orgasms, she just doesn't want to be touched.
Like there's some women who come like that. Like they just don't, they don't,
they're not multi-orgasmic, they're just not into it.
If you're with a woman like that and you feel her orgasm,
if you really are tuned in you're probably your erection is probably going to go
down a little bit or your sensation is going to go down because you're
responding to her arousal. And if for,
if her arousal has gone or if the sensation is a feel good to her, her,
if you're tuned into her, it's not going to feel as good to you.
It doesn't mean you, you want exactly the same thing. Um, but like,
if she's satisfied and done with it and you really want to keep going then
something someone's not like you guys are not on the same page.
And the beauty is when you learn how to connect and Intuit and tune into someone
for the most part, you end up wanting the same things in the same moment,
just about, um, and that's like one of the beauty of connected sex.
Like you don't have to really worry about doing something for her versus for me,
if you're really connected, they become almost the same thing.
Yeah. You said, you said a lot of good things there, man. It's like, wow. Okay.
Is it possible for guys to be multi-orgasmic or is that only for women?
Uh, it is something that men are capable of. Um, I mean,
Mott's actually had talks about this a lot and his programs are designed for
that. Um, I have had multiple orgasms.
It's not something that occurs for me often. Um, but yeah, it is possible.
It is possible through, uh, you,
you can learn how to separate e*****tion from orgasm in a way that you have the
wave of pleasure without contraction that comes afterwards.
Cause they're not exactly the same thing.
And even for a guy who's who has regular sex,
you'll notice the wave of pleasure comes maybe right before the first
contraction, or maybe you feel a little bit more between contraction one,
contraction two,
let's say you have eight contractions when you come the last six,
they don't have, they're not an orgasm anymore. They're just like,
there's you expelling fluid. And maybe that has like a visual appeal or like a,
you know, you associate that with pleasure,
but that in itself doesn't actually feel good.
So if you can learn how to separate them a little bit,
you can have that wave without coming. Um, and then you can, I mean,
as long as you don't e****ate, you won't go into a refractory period,
so you can continue.
Do you think that's an important thing to learn like an important skill during
sex or not so much?
I haven't found it to be like the something I really want to prioritize.
It does take work. It does take a lot of practice. Um, however, you know, I'm,
I'm a younger guy guys.
I know who studied the same thing who were like over 40 all say like,
you got to learn how to do this because after 40 nutting just takes too much out
of you and I can't speak to that myself. So, um, but I, I mean,
I've heard from older people that is a good skill to have for sure.
Yeah. I've only been able to do it once or twice.
It was kind of like by accident, it just happened like, Whoa, that was cool.
Like all this pleasure without the body without actually coming. So it'd be,
it'd definitely be cool to learn how to do it more well Ruwan man.
This has been really valuable where can guys learn more?
Yeah. Well the best way is to go to arousal control, secrets.com, uh,
have some free training there, which will go over a lot of the fundamentals.
We talked about, uh, understanding your sensational capacity,
understanding the principles of re-investing arousal rather than spending it
rather than saving it like thno fap guys do.
And we actually go through some of the, the physical exercises.
I break it down a little more step-by-step than we talked about here to actually
learn how to draw that energy into your body for obviously the purpose of a
lasting long in the bedroom.
But as we've been speaking about the applications go far beyond lasting long,
they go into your ability to handle tension, your ability to be a good lover,
even out of the bedroom, your ability to focus your mind,
your ability to handle your feelings, which applies to everything. And, um,
yeah, that, that can be accessed at arousalcontrolsecrets.com.
There you go. Guys, make sure to check Ruwan out,
make sure to click that link in the description,
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We'd love to hear from you. All right. We're The Attractive Man team.
I hope you enjoyed this podcast and we'll see you in the next episode. Cheers.