(energetic bouncy music)
- [Announcer] I would stay with my partner
even if they cheated on me.
Amber?
- Somewhat agree.
- Charlie?
- Stay with the partner if they cheated?
Disagree.
(energetic music)
- I'm Lea.
- And I'm Leanna.
- And we have been together for four years
and we've been living down the street from each other
for a long time and we never knew.
- My name is Nailah.
- I'm Jamal.
- We're married.
- Married for seven-
- No married for almost nine.
- We got married on 12/12/12,
so I shouldn't have forgotten that, but that's all good.
- It's all good.
- I'm Amber Jay, born and raised in Los Angeles County.
- My name is Charlie Lapastora.
Been married for three years.
I put a ring on it, man.
- And we, fun fact, got married on 11/11.
And so we love that you guys are married on 12/12.
- We did it.
- Hi, I'm Hina.
- Hi, I'm Blake.
- We're both 18 from Palm Springs,
and we've been together for two years.
- Hey, everyone
I'm Latasha.
This is Norris.
- Hey, we've been engaged for what, nine months now?
- And together for almost six years total.
- Yep.
- [Announcer] I have considered breaking up with my partner.
Leanna.
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Lea?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Jamal?
- Strongly disagree.
- [Announcer] Nailah?
- Strongly agree.
We actually did break up.
- Oh, I thought it was like recent.
Oh, looking forward.
- [Announcer] Amber?
Disagree.
- Wait, not strongly?
- [Announcer] And Charlie?
- Disagree.
- [Announcer] Hina?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Blake?
- Disagree.
- [Announcer] Latasha?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Norris.
- Disagree.
- We did break up.
Our relationship was going so well on that curve up.
And it was going so quick
and I felt like this is just going too well
that we are just gonna fall off.
Once I was able to relinquish all of that extra baggage
that I thought I wanted her to be for me,
I think that's when everything got better on my end.
- I think every couple goes through that stage
in the relationship where, you know,
it may seem good at the very beginning,
but then you question some things
because you're not clicking or you're not,
you're butting heads or there's this point where you kind of
need to put some distance and it helps you reframe your mind
about this person and about yourself, you get clarity,
then you come back together.
- Being a first generation like mixed race, Muslim person
and him coming from a Republican family,
there was just a lot of tension.
I remember his teammates, the people he trusted the most,
they would call me like a terrorist for being Muslim.
Part of Al Qaeda.
My family had enough of that
after like a big disagreement with his family.
So they were like, you're done.
Move on.
But I just remember him calling me, crying.
I didn't just take him back automatically.
I saw that he made change.
He stood up to the people he trusted the most
and I think we're stronger.
- [Announcer] I'm okay with my partner watching porn.
Lea?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Leanna?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Jamal?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Nailah?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Amber?
- Strongly disagree.
- [Announcer] And Charlie?
- Strongly disagree.
- [Announcer] Hina?
- Disagree.
- [Announcer] Blake?
- Disagree.
- [Announcer] Latasha?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Norris.
- Agree.
- Pornography, it wrecked my family.
Like my parents were together, they were strong.
I was raised in a strong Christian household
and then pornography crept in.
I did not want that to have any place in our marriage.
And so from early on
I was like, this isn't happening.
And so I might be extreme to people,
but you know there's times when,
even when I'm scrolling on the gram,
like there's like women who's scantily clad.
I want my eyes to be focused on my bride.
- A lot of times people think, you know, pornography
and they just think about
like the real raunchy, hardcore stuff.
And not like the everyday sort of like soft core pornography
that we kind are, you know, confronted with every day.
But I did the same thing where I went through
like a massive Instagram cleanse,
where I had to just gotta like,
oh, can't follow them no more.
Can't follow them no more.
- She doesn't look at it on her own.
But sometimes I would
if I were just like home alone, you feel me?
So when she would come home
she's just like, you're sleeping,
I know you did something, you know?
It did strengthen our communication.
Like, oh, if you do watch it, let's watch it together.
And then we can go to sleep.
- But the reason why I strongly did disagree
a while back then is because I felt like,
am I doing something wrong?
Like, is that why you're watching it?
Like, you know, am I not satisfying you?
But now it's like, ooh, where'd you learn that at?
You know?
- When I started watching it, like, I couldn't stop.
I didn't realize the effects it had on me until I met Hina.
And then we discussed like our boundaries as she was saying,
like, yeah, no pornography.
When I first heard, I was like, oh, that's easy.
Like, I can quit it like nothing.
Like it's nothing.
I stopped watching it.
And then I was like, God, like, I couldn't even focus.
Like I was thinking about it all the time.
When I would hug her and kiss her and stuff,
And then, it just like,
it brought back memories of watching it.
Like somehow, I don't know how,
but it just brought back memories.
I was so confused
and I like hated myself for thinking that way,
and then it just,
honestly it put me in like a deep depression, because-
- Yeah, that like what Charlie was saying.
With his family, it sneaks its way in, you know?
- It ruins everything.
- [Announcer] I would stay with my partner
even if they cheated on me.
Leanna.
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Lea?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Jamal?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Nailah?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Amber?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Charlie?
- Stay with the partner if they cheated?
Disagree.
- [Announcer] Hina?
- Strongly disagree.
- [Announcer] Blake?
- Strongly disagree.
- [Announcer] Latasha?
- Somewhat disagree.
- [Announcer] And Norris.
- Disagree.
- Yeah. I mean, I think a marriage is a contract
and I own a business.
So if somebody, if the other party
doesn't hold up their end of the contract,
I get to leave that, you know?
Bye.
- It's a contract, and for us,
we also believe it's, it's a covenant as well.
We became before each other, between us two and a holy God.
I didn't say strongly disagree
because I believe there is grace,
but at the same time that is such a serious offense.
I know having been hurt before,
you know, in a relationship where someone was unfaithful,
it's so painful to me.
And I'm, I feel man.
And so like, if that were to happen
and you to take the initiative to physically
like, just even the thought of that pisses me off.
- Yeah. Loyalty is incredibly important to the both of us
and something that we talked about from the get-go.
And so for me too, I can't even fathom
if that were to happen, I would be livid as well.
But because this is a marriage and we both agreed to this
then I would try to muster up the strength to forgive.
- It's like, I made a commitment to you,
and that I won't break.
Look, and some people say you can't stay together
for the kids but we have amazing kids.
We got a great relationship.
The company is thriving.
She's doing well in her job.
Just bought a new house.
It's like, don't mess that up.
Don't mess it up.
(group chuckles)
- I wasn't sure what he was gonna say.
And I struggled with what I was gonna say
because I know what I thought 10, 12 years ago.
But now, as you mentioned, your perspective changes
on what would break the commitment.
- Like I'm a pretty jealous person.
Like if I'm in the mall with her,
'cause she's, she's super beautiful,
And then like people always like stare at her
and I'll just mad dog them like stare 'em down
and cover her with a bag and just-
(group laughs)
- She's beautiful.
I know guys like her.
Listen, I see the DM's.
You know what I mean?
There's nothing any of us can do about that.
That's just life.
- But it's how I respond to it,
or how you respond to it is what we can control.
- That makes me trust her.
It makes me say I'm not trippin' on that.
- With the generation now is, cheating is okay.
- Like they call it sneaky links now.
Meaning like, oh, you're basically meeting up
with somebody that you shouldn't be.
People glorify that like, oh, I'm a number one side chick.
Why do you wanna be a number one side chick?
And why don't you wanna be somebody's actual main,
and keep it faithful.
- You have to also set your boundaries online.
Hey, I don't want you on this dating app.
Hey, I don't want you to go and swipe up
on some risky picture on Snapchat.
I think those are the aspects
that we're kind of talking about that
older generations didn't really have to deal with.
- Yeah, we did.
We had black planet.
We were getting crazy on that.
- What's that?
(group laughs)
- I did not expect the black planet reference today.
- [Announcer] I would like to have children.
Leanna?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Lea?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Jamal?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Nailah?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Amber?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Charlie?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Hina?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Blake?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Latasha?
- Somewhat disagree.
- [Announcer] Norris?
- Agree.
- If you would've asked me this five years ago,
before I met him, it would be strongly disagree.
I don't know.
I've just never felt called to be a mom.
And I know that family is something that's important to him.
So I think, you know,
we had a big conversation about that before we got engaged.
- And I know for me,
previously it would've been strongly agree.
Through our conversation,
I had to really think about it 'cause it's like
I'm not pushing a human being out.
Who am I to, you know, just go, you having babies.
Like, you know, I can't do that.
- Like just to get a little personal, real quick.
I have been trying.
So we have like, I'm trying not to be emotional,
but we have to go through another step to conceive.
It hasn't been really working out,
so we just try to keep like the good faith
and like to hope that we do have a blessing someday.
But yeah.
So I'm just keeping hope alive.
Oh my God, I'm such an ugly crier.
- It did impact our relationship
because before we even started, I told her, I said,
look, if it doesn't work the first try,
don't go so hard on yourself.
- We just took a break altogether.
Sometimes I felt like,
oh, us taking a break has an effect on her.
She's basically seeing that I don't wanna do it anymore.
And that's not the case.
I just feel like mentally I needed to get myself together
and to be strong to the point where I can look at that test,
and if it does say negative, I will be okay.
- I just wanna build a whole team.
- She's having 'em too.
Don't be looking like I'm just doing it by myself.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, no.
- I would love to have a family
but it doesn't mean I can't adopt.
So long as I'm healthy
and capable of bringing a healthy child up
and having the economic ability to support a child
because growing up in a low income household,
I do know like, the effects.
And also our political atmosphere.
Do I want to raise a child,
who will obviously be a person of color,
in a political atmosphere that takes advantage
or undermines people of color?
- I can definitely relate to that.
I think I have a lot of the same concerns.
Raising a black child is what we would have
and that it has a different set of challenges.
I think, unfortunately.
It shouldn't be different, but it is.
And I also have mental health issues in my family.
That's something that scares me a little bit.
- You know I was in the bed last couple nights,
two nights ago-
(crosstalk)
I was laying there.
We didn't.
- Okay.
- I took a picture.
I was like, there's my wife,
my youngest, and my son to my left.
And I was engulfed in all this love and it was crazy.
I never, ever, I'm never gonna think about
whether I should bring a child into this world.
Don't think about the world.
Just what do you want?
And that's, don't let the world determine
whether you gonna have a child.
- I just know that if I'm not at a great place in my life,
I will rub off my trauma onto my child.
And I could not live with myself,
knowing that I did that to someone,
that I couldn't raise someone up to be as best as they can.
- As a social worker,
you touched on a very important point,
which is mental health.
There's a lot of people having children,
creating little humans,
and they are physically, emotionally not together
to be able to raise another human being
in this already troublesome world.
- You guys touched on the race thing too.
I'm half white, half Filipino,
and so I always was like, oh yeah.
I never consider myself a minority.
But then I realized, when somebody punched me in the face
and then verbally, you know, hearing things,
being made fun of 'cause I'm Asian.
And I realize that our kids are gonna be colored.
Our kids are gonna have brown skin.
The Lord led me to my Filipina queen
and we're gonna have mixed babies.
And I'm mixed and I want us to, we're gonna embrace that
and we're gonna bring 'em into the world.
If we don't have that foundation,
you know they're gonna be coming into a home
that's not built right.
So we're trying, we're building right now
and we're growing.
That's what I would say today.
- That's fire.
- [Announcer] I believe in soulmates.
Leanna?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Lea?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Jamal?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Nailah?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Amber?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Charlie?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] Hina?
- Somewhat agree.
- [Announcer] Blake?
- Agree.
- [Announcer] Latasha?
- Strongly agree.
- [Announcer] And Norris.
- Somewhat disagree.
There's so many external factors
that go into what makes a relationship.
You know, where did you grow up?
Who did you hang around?
How much money you make.
Where did you go to school?
To say soulmate kind of leaves it up to this kind of fate.
You know, outside of myself kind of thing.
I made a decision to be with Latasha
and Latasha made a decision to be with me.
- I said, somewhat agree
because I don't think you just have one soulmate.
I would define a soulmate
as someone who brings out the best in you.
- I remember like the first night we started talking
we stayed up to like six in the morning, just on the phone.
Like I was so tired
but I just felt like I could talk forever.
And I was like, you know what?
Like one day I'm gonna marry you.
And this was like the third day.
She was like, what is wrong with you?
It's just a weird feeling.
You just know when it happens.
- When we first like actually like met face to face,
we were talking about something personal in our lives,
which is cancer.
My mom and my grandma had cancer.
I don't know if you wanna share it.
- I had cancer.
- She had cancer when she was little.
No one I have ever dated understood how I felt.
It was three days until we met and I said, I love you.
I felt like this is my person.
- I feel like I'm dating my best friend.
Like this is my soulmate.
And then four years into now,
we just stare at each other and be like,
yeah, you're stuck with me for life.
Like we went through the worst.
We got through it.
We feel like we can defeat anything that comes our way.
- When you know, you know.
I personally was in a
mentally, emotionally, physically abusive relationship.
And, you know, I thought I loved that person,
but that wasn't love.
So, oh gosh, why am I getting emotional?
I'm just really grateful because with Charlie
I really do feel like God has blessed me with a soulmate
that truly respects, loves, and honors me
with his whole heart.
And he doesn't just say it.
He walks the talk
and he puts in daily action to show that to me.
- It was the magnet.
It was the Holy Spirit that drew us together
because I had never known something
that would've been so confident
than Amber Jay.
Like this is who I was, we were designed for each other.
We would talk about this too.
We think that a lot of people settle in relationships
and we wanna just encourage everyone that,
Hey there is somebody out there for you.
You just gotta wait, and it's tough.
It sucks to wait.
But if you wait, you will find the right one.
- I knew it when I knew it.
And that was it.
And it's hard to explain.
Everybody wants to try to come up with fancy words.
I just knew you were my wife.
I just needed to work towards the goal
of you being with me, forever.
- That's how it was for me too.
I knew this was the woman I wanted to marry
but it was a long time before I felt like
I was worthy enough for her to marry me.
- [Announcer] If you guys, you know, wanna show each other
some Valentine's Day love, however you want,
that would be the time to do it, right now.
- I'm shy.
(smooth music)
- I love you girl.
- The dogs are like, love us too.
- [Hina] Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.
(smooth music)