- [Narrator] Would you rather be employed as a creepy clown
that juggles balls on the street in exchange for coins,
have a mother-in-law so awful
that she dresses up as a ghoul
and scares the shit out of you
or have someone shoot you with an AK-47?
Well, save your answers because the Mexican telenovela,
Maria Mercedes, was created to give you all the drama
and suffering your heart desires and more.
And why is that?
Because telenovelas are hell.
Maria Mercedes is a young woman
who's mother abandoned her
and who's father is a raging alcoholic
that smells like onions and vomit.
Maria is forced to dress up as a horrifying clown
and juggle balls for coins so she can raise her siblings,
one of which recently got run over by a semi truck
and has a bleeding head.
Maria's fate suddenly changes
when she meets Santiago del Olmo,
an insane billionaire that looks like
if Javier Bardem had a kid with my Tio Felipe
and then it became a vampire.
Santiago del Olmo is dying of a terrible disease
because he's an asshole.
One day, he meets Maria and is like,
hey ugly, wanna get married?
I'm gonna dies in a day or two
and I'd rather you inherit my money than my sister,
who's the biggest piece of shit that ever lived.
And Maria's like, fuck yeah.
As long as I don't have to screw you.
So they get married and he immediately croaks.
When his limp tit sister finds out
that she's not getting the inheritance,
she gets so enraged that her eyes roll
to the back of her head
so she begs her schmuck son, Jorge Luis, to marry Maria
and take back her brother's sweet, sweet cash-a-roo.
Jorge Luis says no because he's too depressed.
You see, his wife was shot on their wedding day
and died even though she didn't bleed, which is odd,
so his mother does what any loving mother would do
to comfort her grieving son,
she fakes a heart attack and guilts him into marrying Maria.
When Maria meets Jorge Luis,
she falls insanely in love with him
and imagines the two of them smelling fake roses together.
Like the human diarrhea that he is,
Jorge Luis pretends to love her back,
just to get her money, even though he can't stand her
because she eats chicken with her fingers
and dresses like a glamorous clown.
As if marrying her for her money wasn't bad enough,
Jorge Luis treats Maria like total garbage
and cheats on her with this lady
who wears sequined gowns to lay around on her futon.
Of course, the suffering doesn't end there.
One day, Maria's alcoholic father drives straight
into a pile of cardboard boxes and dies.
Now that Maria's life has hit rock bottom,
she decides to get it together.
She starts dressing in sexy outfits.
She washes her hair
and she drags her husband's lover by her hair
for an insanely long amount of time.
(screaming)
(yelling)
Instantly, her husband's like, hey,
come to think of it, you're hot.
I actually love you.
And immediately gets her pregnant.
The moment his mom hears of the pregnancy,
she devises a plan to make Maria look like she's insane.
She dresses up as this terrifying ghoul
and scares the shit out of her,
which I personally think is kind of hilarious.
Oh, and then she puts her in an insane asylum.
Maria escapes the asylum and finds her husband,
who now actually loves her
and wants to be married for realsies.
It could all end there
and everyone could chill out for awhile, except,
telenovelas are pure hell.
Maria's mother-in-law sends a man
who's wearing a tuxedo to shoot Maria with an AK-47
that, like most AK-47's, has a bright pink strap on it.
The man in the tuxedo is clearly not good with guns
because he misses Maria
and then shoots up at the sky a hundred times
before having the AK-47 explode on his own face.
Things are finally good now.
Maria gives birth to two beautiful twins
and the couple gets married.
I guess you could say they lived happily ever after,
except they probably didn't
because one of their twins dies right before the wedding.
And if you're wondering why it had to end
with a death of a child,
well, it's because this is a telenovela.
The end.