- Okay, cool.
You think this is okay with the sparkles?
We're not gonna be--
Okay.
(dinging)
Hey, everybody, happy Thursday.
Today is another episode of Coffee and a Chat
with Kati, oh yeah.
Now, I wanted to make today's video
a coffee and a chat because there's a lot to this
and I really think it needs to be an open dialogue,
a conversation that you and I have continuously
and so that's why I'm putting it in this structure,
I'm happy to continue to talk about it,
I know this may be a very divisive conversation,
some people are gonna agree,
some people are gonna disagree, but that's okay!
We can all agree and disagree as long as there's
no bullying or complete disrespect,
I believe we can all have conversations
about all types of topics and, you know, work together,
figure it out, it's okay.
And the question is, 'cause that's enough rambling about it,
am I right?
The question is, "Abortion!"
That's how they start, exclamation point.
It says, "Any chance you could have an open,
honest and judgment free chat about terminating pregnancy?"
I said yes, I could do that.
"If it is the product of sexual abuse
or an unexpected surprise, do our feelings
slash emotions differ?
Should they differ?
What is normal to feel or expect?
What isn't normal?
How do you have that conversation with your therapist
if it's something you've spent all your time
since it happened not thinking about?
It's a controversial issue,
so the fear of what she will think is very real.
How do you get past that, that too, to even begin?
I have so many more questions, but I'll stop here
in case you don't even wanna chat about it."
Well, I do wanna chat about, and like I said,
I really want there to be a discussion in the comments.
And if you're new to my channel
and you haven't subscribed, please subscribe
and turn on your notifications
so that you can be a part of this community too,
and we can keep talking about this.
So let's start off by the first part of the question.
The first part of the question, she says,
"If it is a product of sexual abuse
or an unexpected surprise,
do our feelings or emotions differ?"
In my experience with my clients,
in truth, I've only had two go through this,
I'm just throwing that out there,
my N in my study is very small,
but I can speak as a person who could have a child,
I haven't personally had an abortion,
I just kinda want you to know where I am
and what my biases may be on this,
so that's where I'm coming from, okay?
Okay.
If it's a product of sexual abuse,
I know that many people may feel
like it's a constant reminder if they have the child.
Therefore they don't want that,
many people have given them up for adoption
if they don't feel okay with abortion
and they personally can't make that decision,
and I know many people who have terminated pregnancy
because they didn't even want,
they wanted to forget that it ever happened.
And so I do believe that the why the pregnancy
happened in the first place
can change how we feel about it.
Now to get into her next question,
and this is the hardest one, to be honest, for me,
says, "What's normal to feel or expect?
And what isn't normal?"
The truth about, like, the terms normal and not normal
is that we really can't say.
Everyone's gonna be different
but I could as a therapist, as a mental health professional,
give you an idea of maybe what you could experience
and what I've seen in other clients experience,
so that it gives you an idea of maybe
what could be "normal" for you.
And the first is usually overwhelm.
When we find out that we're pregnant
and we don't want to be
or if we've been through an abusive
or we've been through an assault,
maybe we got pregnant because of a rape that happened to us,
when that happens and we find out we're pregnant,
we're extremely overwhelmed.
I had a client come in just crying,
felt like her life was crumbling,
didn't know what to do, just felt extremely maxed out,
was dissociating a lot,
she had already had a trauma in her past,
it just became really overwhelming.
And I think that that is a completely
valid and normal response.
Many clients like shut down,
don't know how to talk about it,
don't wanna talk to anybody about it,
aren't sure who they wanna let know,
because what if they decide to terminate the pregnancy?
How are people gonna feel about it?
And then I think the next stage
that we kind of roll into, is like bargaining.
And it's usually bargaining with ourselves,
or kind of you could call it like a pros and cons list
because even if you don't believe in abortion,
that's not something that you would feel comfortable doing,
if it's the result of an abusive or assaultive situation,
we're gonna have those thoughts,
like, could I do it, could I live with it, I don't know,
and all of this, you can see,
is kinda like our brain trying to process
what is happening and what has happened to us
because if it's coming out of a rape
or assault or abuse in some way
it's like we already have that trauma from what happened
and now it's almost like we're doubling down on that
because it can be really traumatic
for many people who do end up going through
and having the abortion, many people
have reported to feel really traumatic
and to have a lot of remorse,
and they still think about how old that child would be.
I'm not saying that everyone's gonna feel that way,
but just know that through all of the stages
and all of the different things you could feel,
it's all okay, it's all normal,
and I really think it's great and important
that we have this conversation,
that we know it's okay to talk about,
whatever side you land on.
Now moving into the next portion of her question,
she says, "How do you have that conversation
with you therapist if it's something
you've spent all your time
since it happened not thinking about?
It's a controversial issue,
so I fear that what she will think about it,"
is very real, like she might not agree, we don't know.
"How do you get past that to even begin?"
And when it comes to a therapist,
a therapist is only worth their salt,
meaning they're worth it at all,
and they're even good at their job,
when they can be unbiased and they can help you process
through things that you've gone through in your life.
With regard to this question,
it sounds like it was a product of sexual abuse,
or potentially an unexpected surprise,
she's going to understand where you're coming from
and at the very least she'll hear you out.
As a therapist, we're not supposed to
offer up any of our personal thoughts on things,
we're not supposed to tell you that that was bad
or good or you should or shouldn't, in general,
not even with regard to like abortion
or any kind of belief based thing,
in general we're supposed to just ask questions
and let you guide it, because we are here to assist you,
we are just trying to guide you towards
a greater understanding and a happier and healthier life.
And really that's it.
And so I would like to, I'd hopefully,
get across to you that you don't really need to worry.
Yes, this was terrible,
yes you're having your own feelings about it,
but therapy's the one place we're supposed
to be able to open up and talk about things
and know that it's a judgment free zone.
I talk about that all the time on here
how I listen, I care, and I don't judge,
and that is what a therapist is.
That's how they should be with you,
that's how you should feel with them.
You should feel able to open up
and talk about things that are hard
and say the things you've never said to anybody before,
to say it out loud and know that it's gonna be okay.
So I would encourage you to tell her.
Maybe practice saying it, so that you kinda get an idea,
and you're used to the words coming out of your mouth.
Nothing is harder, when we haven't even said
anything out loud before, and then we say it out loud,
then it can feel really scary.
I've had clients dissociate, we can go into a panic attack,
it can be really overwhelming,
so if it's already really hard for you
to even think about telling her, maybe practice.
Like I always say, write your bullet points down,
practice saying it out loud,
so that when you get in there, you're more able
to verbalize what it is you're wanting to get across
and you feel okay having said it out loud.
In conclusion, I want you to hear
that it's not a therapist's job
to be a moral compass for you.
It's not our job to tell you what to do
or what's right and wrong.
Our job is to support you, to hear you out,
to listen to what you're feeling and going through
and guide you to make the best decision for you
at that time based on all the information that we have
and what you feel is best.
That's our job.
And so if you're seeing someone
who's not giving you that support,
please stop seeing them, and please find another therapist,
because like I've always said,
some people are good at their jobs and some people are not.
So finding someone who can support you
who you feel you can talk to
and talk with about this, is really important.
And, as always, the comments, everyone's welcome there.
Everyone is welcome to talk in the comments,
but what I will not tolerate
is any kind of bullying or fighting.
This is just a place where we can have a conversation
about a really tricky and sometimes
difficult to talk about topic,
and that's what I love about our community,
we're working together, we can have real conversations
about real issues.
And I will see you next time, bye!