President Donald Trump-- still not used to saying that.
Last night, he flew 8,000 miles
for his first state visit to India.
Now, Trump's in India partly to negotiate a trade deal,
and partly to get his copy of the Kama Sutra signed.
Yeah, Trump and Melania use that book all the time.
Her favorite position is the one where she's on top,
-and he's not in the room. -(laughter)
Now, you might be wondering how would a country
full of brown people react to a visit from Donald Trump?
Well, it turns out, from the moment Trump arrived,
it was love at first sight.
President Trump just arrived this morning
for a two-day visit.
The president received what's being called
a "king's welcome,"
orchestrated by the Indian prime minister.
The president headed a massive rally
packed with more than a hundred thousand people.
A Make America Great Again rally, India-style.
♪ ♪
They even blasted "Macho Man"
before the president took the stage,
and when he did, a show of affection
for India's prime minister.
Namaste, Trump!
NEWSMAN: The president is overwhelmingly popular
here in India, where his pro-business,
tough-on-terror image is widely admired.
I happen to like Prime Minister Modi a lot.
He says between the stadium and... and the, uh...
airport, we'll have about seven million people.
So it's gonna be very exciting.
Seven million people
came out to see Trump go from the airport to the stadium?
That's impressive.
Although, to be fair, it's also India--
there's seven million people between any two locations.
-(laughter) -Yeah, I mean...
the line at Indian Starbucks is seven million people.
There are Indian brides right now who are like, "No, Daddy,
I just want a small wedding-- no more than seven million people."
He's like, "Okay, Anushka, first cousins only."
But it is true that Donald Trump is very popular in India.
All right? Some like him because of his anti-Muslim rhetoric,
some like him because of his business savvy,
and all of them like him
because his skin looks like tikka masala.
-(laughter) -And since India is so fond...
-(applause, cheering) -so fond...
of President Donald Jaipur Trump,
they pulled out all the stops for his visit.
NEWSWOMAN: At India's famous Taj Mahal,
workers paint, spruce and polish,
roads are renovated, and nearby, the Yamuna River rises,
as millions of liters of water are released
to cover its foul, polluted smell.
Preparations included a hastily built wall
that critics say was meant to block the view of a slum,
keeping thousands of poor people out of sight.
Yeah. India is trying so hard to impress Trump
that they're building new roads, cleaning up dams,
and even building a wall to hide their slums.
And you know Trump's got to love that.
He's just like, "You see? They built a wall,
"and I haven't seen a single Mexican.
-(laughter) -It works, folks."
Now, India cleaning its rivers and streets for Trump
might seem extreme, but if you think about it,
this is basically what guys do
whenever a girl says she's coming over, right?
Yeah, you make the bed, pick up your clothes,
hide all your junk in the closet.
Then she calls and says she can't make it,
and you're like, "Damn it! So I flushed the toilet for nothing?"
So clearly, India is trying to give Trump
a memorable experience.
There was, however, one tiny culture clash
that Trump had to deal with.
Donald Trump is in India this morning,
but he could be forced to go without his favorite meals
of burgers and steaks.
India's prime minister, Narendra Modi,
a devout vegetarian, plans not to serve any meat
to the president
during his visit. One person who's familiar
with President Trump's eating habits
has told the media they're worried
about how he'll cope with the lack of meat, saying:
"I have never seen him eat a vegetable."
(laughter)
I honestly don't know what's stranger...
the fact that Trump might eat vegetables
or that people are actually worried about how it'll go.
Because you realize the news wasn't even snarky about it.
They weren't like, "Ha-ha!
The president has to eat vegetables!"
They were like, "Yo, if Donald Trump eats broccoli,
-he could die." -(laughter)
So, this is gonna be hard on Trump.
And you know what I was thinking is what's worse for him,
is that cows are so sacred in India,
that they're allowed to just wander around in the city.
So can you imagine how hard that's gonna be for him?
He hasn't eaten beef for two days,
and then he's just gonna start seeing cows in the street,
and he's gonna be like, "Oh, my God, I'm hallucinating!
"All the cows I've eaten have come back to haunt me
-(whooping, applause) -"I'm sorry, cows. I'm so sorry!
So sorry."
But I will say, I'm impressed, because despite the beef issue,
Trump is making the best of his India trip.
In fact, he even made an effort to show the Indian people
how much he respects them by trying to speak their language.
And it went about as well as you would think.
India welcomes us
at the world's largest cricket stadium
right here in "Abbabad."
Nam-oo-stay.
Chiwala.
Gushard.
Sardar Patel.
Arshrom.
Suchin-tendo-kur.
Goosholah.
Go-ah.
Dewali.
As the great religious teacher
Swami Vive-kamunund once said...
(laughter)
Oh, man!
Oh, okay, even if that pronunciation was right,
that facial expression was so wrong.
That looked like the most exercise he's gotten in decades.
Just like, "Kum-kum-mund-nun...
"Kum-mund-nun... All right, that's my steps for the day.
I'm done."
Oh, man.
Now, now, this was really interesting.
After Trump butchered half the Hindi dictionary,
Indian Twitter lost their minds, right?
People were coming on, like, "Dude, it's not Nam-oo-stay.
"It's namaste.
Who messes up namaste and says Nam-oo-stay?"
But to those Indians, I say please, don't be mad.
Trump may not be able to pronounce Hindi words,
but he can't pronounce English words, either, so...
he's an equal opportunity offender.
And besides, think about it, it would have been way scarier
if Trump had come out all fluent in Hindi.
Can you imagine if he just came out and he was like:
(impersonating Trump speaking fluent Hindi)
Bigly.
(laughter, cheering)
It would have been weird.
So...
that was day one of President Trump's trip to India,
and you know what?
I'm proud of the president.
I'm really proud of him for teaching us a valuable lesson,
and that is: No matter how old you are,
you can still go to new places, make new friends,
and have new mind-blowing experiences
like eating a carrot for the first time.
(laughter) -And to that I say:
Nam-oo-stay.