Status report incoming.
Shinji Ikari is currently in a critical state and undergoing life-saving surgery.
Emergency protocols have been instigated.
Citizens are advised to remain calm.
The government has issued a nationwide state of emergency.
Alert status has been changed to code red.
Currently commencing citywide evacuations.
Estimated time until completion: 5 hours
The Angel has started drilling from directly above.
Looks like it’ll penetrate the Geofront soon.
I’ll penetrate your Geobutt soon.
So, it’s trying to hit us at our home.
Looks like this is it, guys. It’s do-or-die time.
Okay, people, we need a plan.
How much time until penetration?
According to my calculations, we have about 12 hours until penetration.
Is that accurate?
Actually, according to my calculations, we only have 10 hours ‘til penetration.
Well, according to my calculations, you don’t have any calculations!
Well, according to MY calculations, you’re a faggot!
Hey, hey! Stay on topic, boys.
According to my calculations, my massive boner’s ready for penetration.
Can you please go a goddamn day without referencing your boner?
What can you tell me about the Angel?
The Angel’s currently drilling hard and fast into us with its long rod, expected to penetrate our barriers.
With that deep hole bored into us, we’ll be exposed right from behind against its massive load out.
Makoto?
Yes, ma’am?
Slap him.
> [SLAP] > Ah!
Aerial attacks have been ruled out, along with close quarters combat.
Its AT Field is constantly shifting, making it extremely difficult to neutralize.
On top of that, Unit-00 and Unit-01 won’t be operational for quite some time.
So, in other words, we’re basically screwed.
We are not screwed!
We’re gonna fucking die, woman!
We could try self-destructing the headquarters and taking the Angel with us.
Yeah, that sounds like a “great” idea!
I’m sorry; was that sarcasm I heard?
Nooooooo...
THAT was sarcasm.
You do realize that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Yeah, well your mom is a gay, stinky poo-poo head.
[LAUGHING UNDER HIS BREATH] “poo-poo head...”
I stand corrected.
Come on, people! I know the situation looks dire, but there must be something we can do.
We could try sending a white flag; we’re all out of options!
If we’re all gonna die anyway, why can’t we just go home already?
Yeah...
Well that’s just great, guys.
Why don’t we just sit here with our thumbs up our asses, waiting for our imminent doom,
so everyone else can go home and watch anime!
> Really? > No!!
There is one option left: the SSDF Research Documents you requested have come through.
Great. Does that mean we have access to the giant sniper rifle?
I... think we have access to that.
Okay, great. We’ll go with that plan.
Now that that’s sorted, everyone get ready to start...
Operation Kickass!
Kickass, guys? Operation Kickass?
We can hear you; we just think it was fucking stupid.
Tell me again what’s so stupid about this plan.
Besides the fact that there’s less a 1% chance of success to this mission...
Tough luck, ‘cause we’re sticking with it.
Unless you know something else that I don’t.
I’m pretty sure I know a lot of things that you don’t.
Preparations for the operation are almost complete.
Awaiting your orders to start testing, colonel.
Good. Now assuming that everything went according to my plan, we’re almost finished.
You do know they say that assumptions are the mother of all screw-ups?
No, I’m pretty sure they say assumptions are Shut Up.
I’m only trying to help, you know.
Ritsuko, can you just trust me for once without questioning me at every turn.
Start the test.
[EVERYTHING POWERS DOWN]
So, you know how they say assumptions are the mother of all screw-ups?
Shut. Up.
[SIGH] Well, at least this can’t get worse.
You did make sure that Shinji would still pilot the Eva, right?
Ah, fuc-!
> [GASP] > Finally awake?
Rei? What happened?
You just went through surgery. I’m afraid they found something wrong with your penis.
WHAT?! [PANICKING] What was it??
You have one.
At least, I think that’s what they called it.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
And will you hurry up and get dressed.
> You have an Eva to pilot. > So they expect me to pilot it again... Really?!
After all I’ve been through... After all the pain! They just want me to—
> You know what you need to do? > Wha-?
Get some tampons, drink a bit of cranberry juice, and so see your gynecologist.
I think you’re starting to menstruate again.
How could I menstruate if I have a penis?
That’s a good fucking question.
So, you really don’t care if they just use me or you to pilot ‘til we die?
I want you to do something.
Uhh... Okay.
> Look at my face. > Okay.
> Just look at it. > Rei?
> No, no. Keep looking. > I am looking!
No, you’re not. Look harder.
Is there a point to this?
Yes, so look as hard as you can.
Alright!
Focus on every part of my face.
Alright, alright, I’m doing it!
Now... Does it look like I give a fuck?
Are you coming on to me again?
Is there a bigger idiot than you on this planet?
She was totally coming on to me again!
You do realize we’re currently under siege from an Angel attack, right?
You know what I call that type of woman? The ones that just won’t leave you alone?
This is going to be really tasteless, isn’t it...
> Unflushable! > [SIGH]
‘Cause they just keep floating around you.
Can we please focus on the matter at hand?
Wait. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
God, I hope not.
Unless you want to stop calling this war the “Fight Against Giants.”
I don’t understand what the problem is.
You’re kidding...
> So, the world changed after the Second Impact, right? > Correct.
And because of that, we’re fighting these giants things called “Angels.”
> Right. > So, what’s wrong with calling this war the “Fight Against Giants?”
Because, sir...
You’d be calling the most important war ever in human history...
The F.A.G.
I still fail to see the problem.
Is there a bigger idiot than you on this planet?
[EVERTHING POWERS DOWN]
[MUFFLED IN THE BACKGROUND] Goddammit!!
[PLAYFULLY] Hi, Shinji!
Please don’t ask me, Misato.
What do you mean?
Ever since I got in the Eva, everything went bad.
I get hurt, I get shot, nobody appreciates it,
nobody likes me, my life sucks, and I’m always in danger!
So, please tell me you’re not here to ask me to pilot the Eva!
Alright. I’m not here to ask you to pilot the Eva.
You’re here to ask me to pilot the Eva, aren’t you?
> No shit! > I’m not doing it!
Come on, Shinji.
I’ve already had enough trouble convincing Ritsuko to go with this plan.
> Yeah, well why don’t you try convincing me the same way, then. > Errrr.....
[SLAP] Bitch! You listen to me!
I could do that if you wanted...
What’s the point? Nobody really cares about me.
Why are you even here?
[SIGH]
Look, Shinji, come with me.
Listen: If you don’t defeat the Angel, what do you think will happen?
What do you want me to do to it? Disappoint it to death? I’m just a kid.
Here. There’s something I want to show you.
> Misato? > Yeah?
What the hell is that giant white thing nailed to a cross?
Jesus.
> WHAT? > Kidding!
This is the second Angel Lilith, and it’s the reason you’re fighting.
If an Angel manages to get down here, all life as we know it will end.
What do you mean?
It’s up to you to protect everyone. If you don’t do it, then we’re all doomed.
Why are you telling me all this?
Shinji, you may think I don’t care, but I want you to believe in yourself more than anything.
Everyone tells me to just be stronger, like it’s so easy.
It’s not like I don’t want to, but—
But what? If you pilot the Eva, you could prove your strength.
Nothing ever goes right once I get in.
Everyone just sees me as some joke.
You’re pretty right about that. But you know what?
You’ve pulled through every time, and we’re all still here because of that.
No matter how bad things get, I trust you’ll do the right thing.
Do you really mean that?
If I didn’t, do you really think I’d put up with some of the biggest idiots in the organization for fun?
Then why do you do it?
Because I need to. Because humanity needs us.
And because I trust you.
We survived the Second Impact, we built the Evas, we’ve endured,
and will do whatever it takes to survive – together.
So please, Shinji, for us, for me... you have to pilot Unit-01 again.
Alright. I’ll do it.
> Only if you let go of my hand. > No deal!
Okay, we’ve only got one shot at this, so we need to do it right.
That’s why I put Shinji in charge of the sniper.
Wait... You put the fate of the entire world on him?
[SOBBING]
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Now, here’s the important part, Shinji:
once we are locked in position, Unit-01 will not be able to move.
> So I can’t run away? > You can’t run away.
> I can’t run away?? > You can’t run away!
I can’t run away?!
> What can’t you do? > I can’t run away!!
Not helping, Rei.
Shinji, would you just grow some balls for once in your life and stick to the plan?
But Rei agrees with me; this is a bad idea.
> Is that correct, Rei? > Yes, it’s correct.
Ikari’s balls haven’t descended yet.
Hey!
Do you know what your problem is, Shinji? I think you’re starting to menstruate again.
Why does everyone keep saying that?!
Okay, that’s enough. Everyone, get ready for...
Operation Kickass!
“Operation Kickass”? Is that really the best name you could come up with?
Oh, I’m sorry, but Operaration “Shinji Has a Massive Vagina” was already taken.
Say, Rei, that time in the hospital when I was unconscious...
Were you just sitting there, watching over me the entire time while I lied there naked?
I was assigned to look after you until you woke up.
Way to make it sound creepy, though, pervert.
You weren’t doing anything while I was naked, right?
Don’t flatter yourself.
Were you expecting me to masturbate over your naked, comatose body or something?
> Uhhh... > You are one special boy, you know that?
“Special?” Yeah, right. Running away is my only specialty.
Really? With an attitude like that, I would have thought it was getting mad bitches.
We might die soon, you know? It’d be nice if we could be friends.
After you sexually assaulted me, called me a bitch, and told me to make you a sandwich? Why the hell not?
Well, from I remember, you also slapped me for that.
Oh, did you think that was a slap? I thought I was just high-fiving your face, bro.
> Thank you? > [SIGH]
Look Ikari, if you want people to like you, stop being an idiot.
If you want people to respect you, then don’t run away.
But what if I die before then? What if I freeze up and cry like always?
Then that will be that, and nothing will have changed.
If you want to cry, then tonight I will show you how it can rain with tears of scarlet.
Target is stationary and all sectors are ready.
Final countdown to Operation Kickass commencing...
Preparations are complete. It’s up to you, colonel.
Okay people, once again Japan is under attack.
And once again, we all stand on the brink of destruction.
Some of you may be numb to it by now.
Some of you might not really care what happens.
> And some of you may exist just to piss me the hell off. > [GIGGLES]
But for once, I’ll ask you to remember what’s at stake tonight.
If there’s one time we’ll work together, it’s tonight.
If there’s one day that everything goes right, it’s tonight!
If there’s one time we’ll win, it’s tonight!
Because what is it we’re fighting?!
It’s an Angeru!
Close enough!! Now, commence operation Kic—
Ooh, ooh! I want to start the operation!
Okay... [CLEARS THROAT]
[STILL CLEARING THROAT]
[COUGHING]
[GAGGING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Commence Operation Kiss-ass!!
...what?
[FRANTIC RADIO CHATTER]
> Positron cannon fully charged! > Okay Shinji, this is it.
The entire world is resting on your shoulders. All you need to do is pull the trigger.
>We’re counting on you. > Okay.
> Core located. > Now fire!
The cannon has been successfully fired.
Confirming enemy status.
Shinji... you... you...
You missed!!
Energy spike from the enemy detected. Brace for impact!
Colonel, I must inform you that, through my years of knowledge and expertise
working at this station, I can conclude that we...
...are fucked.
I must concur with this statement.
Me too, colonel!
Guys...
Go fuck yourselves.
On a scale from 1 to “fucked,” how fucked are we?
> I’d say we’re pretty fucked. > And Shijni?
I don’t want to pilot the Eva anymore... I don’t want to pilot the Eva anymore...
Very fucked.
Sir... Sir!
I recommend that we switch to our backup pilot, sir.
Think so?
The main pilot’s been compromised.
> We need to— > No, wait a minute!
We can’t give up on him yet!
“No matter how bad things get,”
“I trust you’ll do the right thing...”
Misato?
Shinji! Can you hear me? How are yo—?
I... I remember everything you said, Misato.
I’ve run away so many times...
from my problems...
from my fears...
from everything.
But not this time! Not when everyone’s relying on me.
I’m tired!
Tired of people thinking I’m useless!
Tired of running!
Misato! Father! I won’t do it anymore!
I won’t let you down!!
I won’t run away!
Are you sure?
Yeah...
Alright.
One more time!
[song: Gurren Lagann OST, “Sorairo Days”]
There, lock your position.
Superconductive transformer coming online. There, lock your position.
Superconductive transformer coming online.
All cooling systems running at optimal output.
Making final stage connections. All cooling systems running at optimal output.
Making final stage connections.
Switching all firing systems to manual control. Making final stage connections.
Switching all firing systems to manual control.
Starting to charge-up sequence. Switching all firing systems to manual control.
Starting to charge-up sequence.
Positron cannon magnetic acceleration field stable. Starting to charge-up sequence.
Positron cannon magnetic acceleration field stable.
Power transmission: maintaining maximum voltage. Positron cannon magnetic acceleration field stable.
Power transmission: maintaining maximum voltage.
Usage change complete.
Evangelion Unit-01 has discarded Type G Equipment.
We’ve got one shot left, Shinji. Make it count!
Got it!
Target’s energy readings are on the rise again!
What?! No!
AH!
Shinji!!
That wasn’t all talk now, was it?
Ayanami!
> Shield sustaining heavy damage! > How much time left?
> He won’t make it! > NO!
No matter what, humanity will endure!
The Second Impact happened, and we lived!
The Angels attacked, and we built the Evangelions!
We’re here together!
We’ll survive together!!
Tell them!
> Just who... > the hell...
DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!
This is it, Shinji!
Do it all for us!
[GRUNTS]
[ANGEL SCREAMING]
“If you want to cry, then tonight I will show you how it can rain...”
“with tears of scarlet.”
Rei!
[STRAINING]
Rei! Are you alright? Rei?!
[GROANING]
Oh god... Please don’t tell me you just saved me.
That’s it? I thought you said we could have been friends after this.
You actually took what I said seriously?
How else would I?
[CRYING]
Are you really going to start crying after everything you did?
Shut up!
It’s a nervous condition, okay?
You know, if you’re gonna save a girl, you could buy her dinner first...
or at least start with some small talk.
Well, we’ve been some really nice weather recently.
I enjoyed the scarlet rain you showed me.
Here, let’s go home.
You know, I still think you’re a wimp.
I guess I was just lucky today.
> [GASP] > Finally awake?
> Wha-? > Good.
The Angel’s attacking, humanity is in danger, your dad’s waiting for you,
and everyone needs you to pilot Unit-01.
It’s time to get in the robot, Ikari.
OH, YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!
[BLOOPERS]