(rock music)
- What's up everybody?
(audience cheers)
I've been listening to a lot of Journey.
You like Journey? (audience cheers)
Do you guys know the song "Separate Ways" by Journey?
(scattered applause) - All right.
For the rest of you that don't know it, you know it.
I'll sing it for you.
Also, I don't know the words to it, so here we go.
It goes like this, it goes,
♪ Sometimes we just find you ♪
Everybody on board? (audience applauds)
I didn't sing one of the right lyrics
and you guys are like, "Yeah!"
Sometimes we find you, I have no fuckin' idea.
Go home tonight and watch
the music video for "Separate Ways,"
because it's one of the worst pieces of shit ever.
There's a part in it where the band Journey
is walking down this alleyway to fight these guys.
There's five members of Journey.
This is the way they're walking to the fight.
They're like this, they're like,
♪ Sometimes we just find you ♪
♪ Skeetin' doo babba-labba-dee ♪
To a fight! (audience laughs)
With these legs!
It's like, you don't think that's scary,
but dude, if you're walkin' to your car after the show
and a guy comes out like,
"Gimme your goddamn wallet right now mothafucka!
"Mothafucka, I said gimme your goddamn wallet right now!"
You're gonna hand it to him!
He's gonna be like, "Fuck yeah!
"The Journey-Leg Bandit strikes again!"
♪ Sometimes I think I could do ♪
I just hurt my back. (laughs)
I didn't hurt my back from Journey legs.
I hurt it 'cause I do CrossFit like an idiot.
I know it's douchey.
Here's why I do CrossFit.
I used to be addicted to Oxycontin...
(audience laughs)
And now I do CrossFit because I just wanna feel something.
Oxy's real good, any Oxy fans?
Scratch your neck like that.
Hah-keh-keh!
Hai-gah!
And now my knees are bad, I got bad knees.
Two weeks ago I was hookin' up with this girl, right?
She's naked on the bed, I'm five feet away.
I take off my clothes,
and as I sexily tried to walk to the bed
to make love to her,
my knees cracked the entire walk.
(audience laughs)
But I still tried to remain sexy, I was like,
(throat clicks)
I'm gonna fuck (throat click)
the shit (throat click)
outta yo ass (throat click).
(audience laughs)
This is me at 38, people.
What the fuck is my body gonna sound like when I'm 70?
Every time I sit down it's gonna sound like the Bronx
in the 1980s, like...(beatboxing)
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha, god damn.
Aw, god.
(audience cheers)
That shoulda gotten a bigger laugh.
(audience laughs)
But I get it.
'Cause everybody in here was sittin' there like,
"That dude is 38?"
(audience laughs and applauds)
"How much Oxycontin did he do?
"Good god!
"That motherfucker lived, he lived!
"He's got Benjamin Button face, look!
"Honey, he got bipiff on his face!"
(audience laughs)
But it's weird gettin' older, right?
What blew my mind was when sex changed.
Do you remember doggy style in your 20s?
Do you remember doggy style when it was all upright,
but just with every passing year
it's gotten lower and lower
and now you're just layin' on the girl,
like oh yeah, you ready for this shit?
'Cause I'm about to give it to ya!
Pow, that's all I got!
One pow.
You know what, I'm not gonna be able
to maintain an erection,
'cause I had bread earlier in the day
and I've got gluten dick!
Who woulda thought eatin' a turkey sub at 2 p.m.
would kill my erection at 8 p.m.?
(throat clicks) Let's put on a documentary,
because that gets me hard at this age.
You guys were fantastic.
Thank you guys so much.