(audience laughing)
- She's, "Dad, you need a red velvet cake
"for a period party
"'cause you put the name of your period on the cake."
I'm,
(audience laughs)
"Who names their period?"
(hiphop beats music)
- [Michelle] I truly didn't realize how hard it'd be
to take care of little ones, really,
'cause when people are
"What's motherhood like?"
I'm just,
"I feel like a shoe caught in a dryer."
(audience laughs)
I'm just like
(Michelle bumping sounds)
(audience applauds)
I'm so tired.
And these little babies were born in January,
in the dead of winter
and they were premature,
four and five pounds.
So, we couldn't leave them for awhile.
And we would just like sit on the couch
and rock them
and look at each other
trying not to fall asleep.
And I'm like, after a while I feel like
I just turned into a scene from The Hateful Eight.
(audience laughs)
I was just looking at my husband rocking a baby.
I was,
"Who gonna go for pervisions?"
(audience laughs)
- [Bert] I'm at home.
Phone rings.
It's a school nurse.
She goes,
"Aila in the office. Is there a parent at home?"
I was,
"I'll do."
(audience laughs)
Gives the phone to Aila.
Her first words,
"I tried to stop it, dad."
(audience laughs)
I go,
"Stop what?"
She goes,
"I got my period."
I'm, "Bitch, you promised."
(audience laughs)
I'm, "You called the wrong number, dickhead.
"Call your mom."
(audience laughs)
She's, "Dad, I need you right now."
Immediately as a parent, I'm melting down.
So, I'm, "She's freaking out at school.
"She's by herself.
"She's going through what Georgia went through.
"This isn't my skillset.
"But I got this."
I go, "Okay baby. All right. Okay.
"How'd you get it?"
(audience laughs)
She was, "Dad, I was playing kickball."
(sighs)
Immediately I'm, "Oh! Poor kid.
"I thought she blew out her pussy."
(audience laughs)
Just,
(Bert makes thud sound)
"Oh! Shit.
"Oh! I'm out, coach.
"I'm out.
"Yeah.
"I tore my twat."
(audience laughs)
"It's bad.
"I blew out my cooch, coach.
"I'm gonna have to sit this one out."
(audience laughs)
"Pinch runner.
"Pitch runner."
(audience laughs)
Now I'm spiraling.
I'm, "Alright, what do you need from me?
"New pants, new panties, new socks.
"Did it get in your socks?"
(audience laughs)
"A bucket, some towels.
"Girl, we're gonna keep the vampires away from you."
(audience laughs)
She's, "Dad. I'm fine.
"Mom gave me a go bag."
I go, "Okay then.
"What are you calling me for?"
(audience laughs)
She goes, "I need you to go to the store
"and get supplies."
I'm, "How bad is this period?"
(audience laughs)
She's, "No dad.
"I'm throwing myself a period party tonight."
I'm, "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"
(audience laughs)
She's, "All the girls are doing it, dad.
"I need you to go to the store and get supplies.
"Get a red velvet cake."
I'm,
(making chocking sounds)
I go, "Baby, I don't think I can eat a red velvet cake.
(audience laughs)
"Knowing what it symbolizes."
She's, "Dad, you need a red velvet cake for a period party
'cause you put the name of your period on the cake."
I'm,
(audience laughs)
"Who names their period?"
She's, "Georgia named hers after the quote
"progressive auto insurance."
(audience laughs)
She's, "Dad, please, I need you right now.
"I have 10 people coming tonight."
I go,
"We have 10 little girls coming to the house?"
She goes, "No.
"Eight girls, two boys."
(audience laughs)
I'm, "Who invites boys to a period party?"
And I hear her sinister little giggle
on the phone and she goes,
"Dad, that's the fun of it."
(audience laughs)
"We don't tell them why they're there."
(audience laughs)
Now I'm, "Fuck it. I'm in."
(audience laughs)
I have never had more fun at a party
in my entire life.
Planning, hosting
and attending a period party.
I dressed all in red
like it was Chinese new year's.
(audience laughs)
Drinking,
peeing on the wall.
I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce.
(audience laughs)
And I giggled the whole night
with all these little girls
and these two boys,
Max and Carter, right.
Faces covered in red cake.
(audience laughs)
Like it's their honeymoon and they're like,
"Fuck it. I'll eat it, anyway."
(audience laughs)
The whole party,
these two boys are looking at the cake going,
"Who the hell's Jason?"
My daughter, Aila Kreischer,
named her period Jason,
because she got it on Friday, the 13th.
(audience applauds)
I pray this child doesn't find marijuana.
(audience laughs)
- [Tig] I've wanted to be a parent for a very long time
and it is such a tremendous experience.
And I feel like Stephanie and I are doing a great job.
I really do.
(audience claps)
(Tig chuckles)
I do, but I also feel like it would be reasonable
if somebody had called
child protective services--
(audience laughs)
A couple of times--
(audience laughs)
A couple of times.
It happens.
You have a rough day or a weird day.
(audience laughs)
No.
When Max and Finn were just a couple months old,
(Tig chuckles)
We were so amused
'cause people would come over to meet the babies.
And what we would do is we'd prop them up
with our hands underneath their armpits.
And then we'd just say
"Yep, they're pretty much walking."
And then we'd let go.
And then their little noodle legs would buckle.
(audience laughing)
And then we catch 'em half an inch
before they hit the ground.
(audience applauds)
Oh, this is how to treat.
(audience laughs)
If you have a baby,
I highly recommend trying this out.
If you don't have a baby
but know someone with a baby,
ask to borrow the baby.
Nobody will regret this.
The baby's clueless.
Just like
(Tig makes wobbling sound)
They're just a blob.
They don't...
and you catch it.
That's the key.
You have to catch them.
(audience laughing)
You can't just let the little blops fall
because that's when there's true trouble.
(Tig chuckles)
Well, with all of the exhaustion and busy lives,
it's hard to keep up with the house in the way that
we did before.
And,
I was sitting on the couch
and Max toddled over to me.
And
handed me
a gigantic
gross ball of cat hair and lint.
And the thing is that their age,
they put everything in their mouths
but he even knew--
(audience laughs)
"You have to get this out of my reach.
"Me and my brother here,
"we need you to remove this."
(audience laughs)
And I just looked.
I was,
"This is sick.
"This is so gross.
"Yes."
And I dropped it behind the couch.
(audience laughs)
We got Max and Finn these little,
we call them their cars.
And then these little things they sit in.
There's four tiny wheels underneath them
and a plastic tray in front of them.
And I somehow
figured out
that Finn loves
when I kick
his little car
and he shoots across the room at a high speed.
And then he scoots back towards me.
And then I kick him again.
(audience laughs)
Here's the problem.
The entire front of our house is just all windows.
(audience laughs)
And there's a sidewalk that runs along our house
and the neighbors are walking by.
(Tig chuckles)
And all they saw was me kicking
and this tiny little baby head
flying to the back of the house.
(audience laughing)
At very high speed.
(audience applauds)
And then just
scooting back towards me
and then kicking again.
And at that point,
I just thought,
"Okay. I have to close these curtains."
But then we just kept making memories.
(audience laughs)
- [Rob] I have a three-year-old
'cause I'm a fucking idiot.
(audience laughs)
(Rob exhales)
Did not think that one through, I didn't.
I thought it in. I didn't think it---
(audience laughs)
I didn't think it through.
She's super cute.
We also have a seven year old, my wife and I.
She's a little tough on the seven year old.
When she had to go through the potty training,
she was a little tough.
She's very...
She's
"We are going to hold her legs down to the toilet.
"We hold her down.
"We close the door.
"She won't be able to get out.
"You have to...
"She'll know this is the potty.
"So, one day of screaming and that's it.
"You hold her little legs there.
"and then you put on your earplugs
"or whatever the fuck you need to do.
"And anyway, she's screaming..."
And it was awful, but she was right.
It was a one day.
But I said,
"For the new baby, for the accident,
"let's not--"
(audience laughs)
"Let's let the accident decide when she's ready.
"Maybe a little less cruel this time, maybe."
(Rob chuckles)
So, we let her decide when it was ready and
she's three years old and
she hasn't decided she's ready, she hasn't.
(audience laughs)
She says to me the other day,
"Papi.
"Come beyond me."
(speaks foreign language)
(audience laughs)
I was,
"Okay.
"What?"
"Papi, change me, please?
"Daddy."
I was, "Well, Madeline,
"if you're smart enough to tell me
"in two different fucking languages.
(audience laughs)
"You're smart enough to hop your little (foreign word) up
"on that toilet right there."
(audience laughs)
"Your peace is up there.
"Okay, alright.
"Your diapers are size six."
(audience laughs)
"Six, yeah.
"They don't make (foreign word).
"They don't."
(audience laughs)
"You know why?
"You're supposed to have this shit
"figured out by now."
(audience laughs)
"Yeah.
"I don't know what to...
"They don't make them bigger.
"I don't know what to tell you.
"You don't figure this out soon,
"you're gonna have to borrow one from grandma.
"That's all.
"That's all I have for you."
(audience laughs)
- [Pat] I pull up in Atlanta.
My niece called me.
She's, "Auntie, I need a favor."
I'm, "What do you want?"
She said, "My sister is homeless.
"And she got four kids.
"One of the babies is two weeks old.
"Can they please come and live with you?
"I know you just built a big house in Indiana."
And I said, "Fuck no, bitch."
(audience laughs)
"Them crack babies ain't coming to my house
"and write on my new walls."
(audience laughs)
My son was in the car and he's,
"Mama, you should help her out."
I'm, "Why?"
He said, "'Cause when you was down and out,
"somebody helped you out.
"Do you remember the time
"a dude shot you in the back of the head
"and dragged you behind that truck
"and gave you them STDs?"
I'm, "Damn, nigga.
"You remember all that shit?"
(audience laughs)
"Let's go get the crack babies
and their mama."
(audience laughs)
I go over and I pick up my niece
and I take her back
to my husband with the four kids.
I'm, "Look, the crack babies and their mama
are coming to live with us."
All the way home from Atlanta to Indiana, y'all'
my chest started hurting really bad.
So, I tell my husband,
"Pull the fuck over.
"My chest hurt.
"I'm having a heart attack."
He was, "Calm down your ass.
"Ain't having no heart attack."
He said, "What you have in heels is an anxiety attack."
I'm, "What the fuck make you think I'm having that?"
He was, "Look in the backseat."
(audience laughs)
(Pat chuckles)
"You just picked up a family
"'cause you don't know how you're going feed them."
(audience laughs)
I get my niece back to Indiana y'all.
I help her get off drugs.
I cost her for a car, a job, apartment,
every fucking thing.
Two years in, this bitch run off.
Leave me with these four crack babies.
(audience gasps)
Don't aw. Just crack it at the stops.
There's a good ending.
(audience laughs)
(Pat chuckles)
Now I'm raising a five or seven,
I don't know many motherfuckers are there.
They just still at my fucking house.
And let me just say this, y'all.
This is not my first set of crack babies
I've raised.
(audience laughs)
(Pat laughs)
This is my third fucking set.
(audience laughs)
I raised my sister kids,
my sister-in-law kids.
Now I got my niece kids.
I had to go talk with God.
I said, "Look, God.
"I'm done being your crack baby keeper."
(audience laughs)
"You gotta find somebody else for this shit.
"I'm too old."
'Cause I don't know if y'all know anything
about crack babies,
but the new crack babies
ain't nothing like these fucking 90's crack babies.
(audience laughs)
The new motherfuckers come with technology.
(audience laughs)
I got a five year old run around my house.
"Where my I pad at?"
I'm, "How the fuck you can work an iPad,
"but you shit on yourself?"
(audience applauds)
"Can you google how to shit in the toilet?"
(audience laughs)
(hiphop beats music)