-Hello, and welcome back to the captain's quarters.
Last week was an exciting one here
as our beloved/reviled sea captain
was joined by a new character, Ira, the Prospect Park duck.
We posted a Twitter poll asking if you wanted
more duck or less duck, and "more duck" won in a landslide.
Now if you're wondering what would have happened this time
had "other" won, you would have been treated to a friendship
between the sea captain and a street artist's drawing
of my wife from when she was a kid.
-Hello, little girl! -Wait, what is this?
-A bit that's gone on too long!
-But the duck won, so expect to hear a good deal more from him.
Hey, how was your weekend? -Hey, not great.
A lady in the park yelled at me for not wearing a mask,
and I was like, "Excuse me, have you ever tried getting
one of those over a bill?"
Look, it's a stressful time, but let's try to be nice, okay?
-Well, that's good advice.
-Not to mention, I went to dinner the other night,
and get this, during the entree, I said,
"Does anyone know if these pellets are gluten free?"
And everybody looked at me like I was crazy.
It's like, oh, I'm sorry.
I happen to have a very delicate system, okay? Quack!
-Oh, this guy is brutal! -And speaking of brutal...
-Double team segue! -Double team segue!
...the president announced a bunch of meaningless
and blatantly unconstitutional executive orders
in a PR stunt at his golf course.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
This weekend really distilled just how desperate
President Trump is as he continues to trail
Joe Biden in the polls.
He announced a bunch of empty executive orders
at his golf course instead of negotiating with Congress.
He said he would permanently cut the payroll taxes that fund
Social Security and Medicare if re-elected,
there was a Friday night massacre at the post office
as part of Trump's ongoing attempts
to sabotage mail-in voting,
and we found out that his White House
asked the governor of South Dakota,
"What's the process to add additional presidents
to Mount Rushmore?"
You guys know Mount Rushmore, the thing you saw when you were
7 and then only in rental car commercials.
And there is no process because it's not a thing.
It's a national monument.
It's not the wing wall down at the Wooden Nickel.
[ Gruff voice ] The process is you've got to eat 100 hot wings
in 10 minutes and you've got to bring your own picture.
We're not a picture company here at the Wooden Nickel.
That's like going to a priest after mass and asking him,
"So what's the process for adding someone to the trinity?
What if it was like the father, the son, the holy spirit,
and the Dan?"
Actually, that sounds like a pretty decent idea
for an early 2000s screwball comedy
starring Owen Wilson.
[ As Owen Wilson ] I mean, how can I lead my flock
when I can't even get my own apartment?
It's weird.
[ Normal voice ] And if even if there was a process
to get on on Mount Rushmore, I am pretty sure presiding
over the preventible deaths of 160,000 Americans
in the worst economic crash since The Great Depression
would be disqualifying.
That's like asking your boss at Chipotle
when you're getting your employee of the month plaque
after you get caught stirring the guacamole
with your skateboard. You're never getting it, Brad.
You're never gonna get your name on a plaque.
Besides, I'm pretty sure the other presidents
would be weirded out having Trump next to them.
They would all scooch over to one side of the mountain
like passengers on the F train after a dude takes a dump.
"Let's get off at the next stop. Only 38 blocks to the park."
The only upside of putting Trump on Mount Rushmore
would be picking the photo to use
so we could all remember him accurately.
Would it be this photo of Trump coming back from his Tulsa rally
looking like he just got fired from his job
as a door-to-door vacuum salesman?
Or maybe one of these photos,
where he's screaming like a rabid possum?
Or how about that one from the GOP debate
where he looks like he's farting
and getting kicked in the [bleep]
at the same time?
Did he fart because he got kicked in the [bleep]
or did he get kicked in the [bleep] because he farted?
Trump wants to get on Mount Rushmore,
but first he has to get past Joe Biden,
who he is trailing badly in the polls.
And you can tell Trump is desperate.
Last week, for example, he once again pretended he was doing
a bunch of official events, but as always,
turned them into campaign speeches,
and at one point, Trump,
the twice-divorced serial adulterer
who doesn't go to church, thought Second Corinthians
was called "Two Corinthians"
and who probably uses a Bible to hide his "Playboys"
still said this about devout Catholic Joe Biden.
-He is going to do things that nobody ever would ever think
even possible because he's following
the radical left agenda.
Take away your guns, destroy your second amendment,
no religion, no anything, hurt the Bible, hurt God.
He's against God. He's against guns.
He's against energy, our kind of energy.
-My God, why does he always talk like
an injured superhero in a comic book?
[ As Trump ] Losing...consciousness.
[ Raspy voice ] Must stop Luther.
He's...against God.
[ Normal voice ] Trying to make Trump syntax make sense
is like trying to solve an ancient Sumerian riddle.
If man can hurt God, then is he not more powerful than God?
And if man is more powerful than God,
then would that not mean that God is man and man is God?
Sounds like a dude who downed one too many tequila shots
singing John Lennon's "Imagine" at karaoke.
[ As Trump ] ♪ No religion, no anything ♪
♪ Hurt the Bible, hurt God ♪
[ Normal voice ] I know that was all out of tune,
but I wanted to make sure we didn't have to pay publishing.
Also, Biden's against energy? What are you talking about?
The dude was literally out in the sun biking over the weekend.
Biden is like one of those grandpas you worry about
because they're always doing too much.
Grandpa, it's 6:00 a.m., where are you going with an axe?
[ Gruff voice ] You can never have too much firewood, kiddo.
You, on the other hand, have all the energy of a beanbag chair
low on beans.
So Trump's obviously very desperate.
On top of being historically unpopular,
he also had no accomplishment to tout,
aside from shoveling $2 trillion worth of tax cuts
into the pockets of big corporations and the wealthy
claiming it will boost the economy.
And I just want to say mission accomplished, bud.
Those crappy little bonuses companies handed out in 2017
as PR for the corporate tax cut really came in handy
when 50 million people lost their jobs
and everyone was racing to buy toilet paper.
Good news, honey, we can afford an extra pack of Charmin
thanks that that one-time check we got three years ago.
If you need me, I'll be in line at the food bank
for the next six hours.
Even before the pandemic and economic crash,
Trump had accomplished very little.
So instead he decided to start taking credit
for his predecessor's accomplishments.
For example, Trump has falsely claimed more than 150 times
that he signed the Veterans Choice Program
into law even though it was Barack Obama
who signed it in 2014.
Again, he has repeated this lie, according to CNN,
more than 150 times, which is just a level of dedication
of lying that I can't even comprehend.
He is the Lance Armstrong of lying,
which is saying a lot since Lance Armstrong
is also the Lance Armstrong of lying, and in this election,
Joe Biden is the Lance Armstrong of biking,
but only because the only other choice is Donald Trump
who is the Lance Armstrong of not taking steroids.
And when Trump was asked about this lie
at his fake news conference at his New Jersey golf club
over the weekend with a bunch of his wealthy patrons
cheering him on in the background,
he got all pissy and walked away.
-No, no.
You ever heard the word "obstruction"?
They've obstructed. Congress has obstructed.
The Democrats have obstructed people from getting
desperately needed money.
Go ahead, please, right here.
No, no, you are finished. Go ahead, please.
Please. [ Cheers and applause ]
Go ahead.
Okay, excuse me. Go ahead, please.
Okay. Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Just stormed off.
Such a petulant little man-toddler.
It's like the kid who loses at Halo
and chucks his controller across the room.
[ As Trump ] You gave me the broken one!
I am telling mom!
[ Normal voice ] Also, nothing says man of the people
like doing a press conference
at your $350,000 a year private golf club.
[ As Trump ] Every American who loses their job
will get a free sleeve of Titleist golf balls.
They are repackaged from ones we found in the lake.
[ Normal voice ] Trump is so desperate for affection
he's bringing his own cheering section
to the press conferences now.
It's like watching a reboot of "Married With Children."
At the debates with Biden,
he's going to pipe in his own studio audience.
[ Recorded cheering and applause ]
So Trump has spent virtually his entire term
desperately trying to erase Obama's accomplishments
or take credit for them, like when Republicans
tried to repeal Obamacare, including its protections
for pre-existing conditions.
They even filed a brief with the Supreme Court in June --
June, arguing that Obamacare must fall,
which will wipe out protections for people
with pre-existing conditions in the middle of a pandemic.
And yet as all that was happening,
Trump has repeatedly and brazenly lied about his position
on healthcare, saying, "I was the person who saved
pre-existing conditions in your healthcare
and I will always protect people with pre-existing conditions,
always, always, always!"
Yikes, that is a truly psychotic use of all-caps.
That is an ex-husband in a Lifetime movie
level of punctuation.
Normally when you get a note like that,
you realize the person who wrote is it standing right behind you.
So Trump has spent months lying about his position
on healthcare, and on Friday.
his psychosis spun so far out of control,
he actually tried to trick people into thinking
he was issuing an executive order protecting
pre-existing conditions, which is a thing that's already law
thanks to Obamacare, the law he is currently in court
trying to overturn.
-Over the next two weeks I will be pursuing
a major executive order requiring
health insurance companies to cover
all pre-existing conditions for all customers.
That's a big thing.
I have always been very strongly in favor.
We have to cover pre-existing conditions.
So we will be pursuing a major executive order
requiring health insurance companies to cover
all pre-existing conditions for all of its customers.
-Oh, yeah, what's next?
Are you get to issue an executive order
requiring New Hampshire and Vermont
to touch at all times?
[ As Trump ] You two have to learn to share a border.
[ Normal voice ] This psycho genuinely thinks he can
just get up in front of the cameras and repeat things
Obama already did, and people are gonna believe him.
Next, he's going to announce he's picking
Joe Biden as his running mate.
[ As Trump ] It's weird he's attacking me.
We're on the same ticket!
[ Normal voice ] Dude, no one is going to mistake you
for Barack Obama.
All we have to do is look at the two of you
with your shirts unbuttoned.
Obama looks like he's in an episode of "Ballers."
Trump looks like a business ham.
And then on Saturday, Trump signed a bunch of meaningless
and unconstitutional executive orders rather than negotiate
with Congress while tens of millions of Americans
face eviction and go without
much-needed unemployment benefits.
Take, for example, Trump's claim that he's supposedly
extending the enhanced unemployment benefits.
First of all, he is cutting them from $600 to $400.
Second, he is forcing cash-strapped states
to pay 25% of that amount, and if they can't,
then their residents don't get the money.
And third, even his own economic advisor Larry Kudlow
didn't seem to know how any of this will work at all.
-So when will people see their first checks?
-I don't want to be as specific as you might hold me to it
as you should, but I think it's going to be
in a couple of weeks, and I think it's going to
come to about $1,200 per person. That's a huge --
-You keep saying $1,200 per person.
Are you talking about in addition to the unemployment
that they are already getting? -Oh, no, that --
-Where does that number come from?
-I beg your pardon.
The $1,200 will come from the payroll tax.
It should be 800 bucks.
I beg your pardon. It should be 800 bucks for the employment.
-$800 or $400? -No. It should be four --
It should be $800.
If the states step up, we are prepared to match.
That should come out $400 Federal, $400 States.
-Okay. We'll move on because I think this is --
it's not what the president said, and it's a bit confusing.
-Man, even Dana Bash gave up.
That was like watching her sort through the menu
at a restaurant with her grandfather.
You want the chicken?
[ Deep voice ] No, I want the pollo.
[ Normal voice ] Pollo means chicken.
[ Deep voice ] I thought it meant fish.
[ Normal voice ] Pesce is fish. [ Deep voice ] The actor?
[ Normal voice ] Just bring him some French fries, please.
How can he not know what his own policy does?
He sounds like the substitute math teacher
who spilled coffee on his lesson plan.
"Okay, everybody, the answer is $1,200.
No, um, wait, I'm sorry, it's 8-- Nope.
I think it's $500. It's $5,000."
"Mr. Kudlow, I think it's $400."
"Shut up, you little snot-nosed punk.
It's 800. Run to the teachers' lounge and get me another beer."
You are not allowed to drink beer, Mr. Kudlow.
"Well, don't you just sound like the superintendent
who fired me from my last job?"
And then there's the executive order that supposedly extends
the federal eviction moratorium, which it obviously does not do.
That's a lie. All you have to do is read it,
which apparently Kudlow has not done.
-A second key point was the eviction moratorium.
Because the Democrats rejected various compromises
at least twice, to my knowledge,
the president felt he had to take action.
-In fact, the president doesn't extend
the federal eviction moratorium.
I looked at the executive order. It doesn't do that.
It simply directs HUD to find a way to help people
and identify federal funds.
It doesn't include extending the eviction moratorium.
-Well, look, that's not entirely true.
I mean, in there...
-"Oh, come on, George. That's not fair.
If I haven't read it, you can't either."
It's fun to imagine Kudlow's aides shuttling in
from interview to interview watching him make a fool
of himself and then hoping the next one goes better.
"All right, boss. We have only one more interview left today."
"Where is it? Please say Fox News.
"Please, Fox News." "It's, uh, Axios."
"Oh, damn it. Well, you better give me some of those
loose papers that are fun to carry around and hard to read."
And then there's Trump's fake payroll tax cut.
In reality, all he did was defer payroll taxes
until the end of the year, which means a lot of businesses
will save up the money to pay those taxes when they are due
rather than pass the savings on to workers.
Trump said if he was re-elected, he would make the cut permanent,
which is even worse because payroll taxes
fund Social Security and Medicare.
So if you cut payroll taxes without a replacement,
you are cutting Social Security.
And when he was asked about that last night,
as usual, he just lied.
-What we're doing is we reimburse through general fund,
not through Social Security.
This will have no impact on Social Security.
We are going to impact -- we are going to,
through the general fund, reimburse.
This will have zero impact on Social Security.
-That's not how it works.
For one thing, only Congress can appropriate money.
For another, this isn't one of your businesses.
You can't move money around to cover your losses.
[ As Trump ] I got it.
We're just gonna move money from the tax fund
to the casino fund to the hotel fund to the slush fund
to the porn star fund, boom, done.
[ Normal voice ] But how do we pay our taxes?
[ As Trump ] Oh, that's easy. We don't.
You guys should really --
You should really try tapping on my head.
It's like silly putty.
[ Normal voice ] Americans can see through this.
It's trump's usual shtick. He is desperate and unpopular,
which is why he is signing empty executive orders
and sabotaging the post office.
He has no accomplishments, no policies...
-No anything. This has been "A Closer Look."
And this was the most stressful one I have done all summer
because my parents were sitting on a couch watching.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
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and now, more than ever, they need your help
feeding New York families.
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Stay safe, wash your hands, wear a mask, we love you.