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♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO A "LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HI TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
YOU SEEM HAPPY.
>> Jon: I'M HEARING THIS RHYTHM IN MY HEAD.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
I WENT TO KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN TO BETTER KNOW BELA.com.
>> Jon: YEAH, IN LOUISIANA.
WE HAVE TO VOTE.
LOUISIANA, PLEASE, PLEASE, COME OUT MY HOME STATE, MY LAND!
PLEASE!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO DO IT.
TONIGHT LOUISIANA'S VIDEOING UP.
>> Jon: YEP.
>> Stephen: ALSO RHODE ISLAND GOES UP TONIGHT, MICHIGAN,
NEW JERSEY AND ObamaCare.
THAT'S ON TOP OF A 13 OR 14 THAT WERE ALREADY UP, AND EVERY
STATE, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, YOUR INFORMATION IS ALREADY
THERE.
GO TO BETTER KNOW BALLOT.com, CLICK ON YOUR STATE AND GO VOTE.
>> Jon: LET'S GET OUT THERE, COME ON, COME ON!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND SO MUCH TIME IN THE MONOLOGUE
HARVESTING WHEAT OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST
STORIES, HAND-MILLING THE TOPICAL ENDOSPERM AND WHEAT GERM
TO BAKE FOR YOU THE NUTRITIOUS ARTISANAL LOAF THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SWEEP UP THE LEFTOVER BRAN, THROW IN SOME
BARLEY EXTRACT, MAYBE A LITTLE RIBOFLAVIN, THEN HOTPRESS IT
INTO THE WEETABIX CAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE.
GOOD NEWS FOR ANYONE LOOKING FOR A UNIQUE ENGAGEMENT STORY:
"YOU CAN RENT THE OSCAR MAYER WIENERMOBILE FOR YOUR PROPOSAL."
NOTHING SAYS "ROMANCE" LIKE BUYING INTO A VIRAL MARKETING
STUNT.
"BECCA, WILL YOU MAKE ME THE HAPPIEST MAN ON EARTH AND JOIN
ME IN CONTRIBUTING TO THIS MEAT TUBE COMPANY'S ONLINE PRESENCE?"
IN A PRESS RELEASE, OSCAR MAYER WROTE, "YOU CAN NOW 'RELISH'
YOUR UPCOMING SPECIAL DAY.
THE ICONIC WIENERMOBILE IS AVAILABLE TO ANYONE WHO'S READY
TO 'MUSTARD' UP THE COURAGE TO POP THE QUESTION."
CAN I BE "FRANK?" THAT IS THE "WURST."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CHUCK E.
CHEESE WANTS TO DESTROY ABOUT SEVEN BILLION PRIZE TICKETS AMID
THEIR BANKRUPTCY."
SEVEN BILLION TICKETS?
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU COULD BUY WTH THAT?
ONE STYROFOAM FOOTBALL.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, FRENCH CAR MANUFACTURER CITROEN HAS
INTRODUCED THE "AMI, A TINY CUBE ON WHEELS THAT FRENCH
14-YEAR-OLDS CAN DRIVE."
CERTAINLY AN UPGRADE FROM LAST YEAR'S INNOVATION, "A
DODECAHEDRON ON STILTS THAT CAN ONLY BE DRIVEN BY A GERMAN
87-YEAR-OLD."
ACCORDING TO FRENCH LAW, THE AMI CAN BE DRIVEN BY TEENS BECAUSE
IT'S NOT TECHNICALLY A CAR, BUT RATHER A "LIGHT QUADRICYCLE,"
WHICH QUALIFIES IT AS AN "URBAN MOBILITY OBJECT."
THAT'S SOME FRENCH LOGIC FOR YA.
(FRENCH ACCENT) "BUT OF COURSE WE ALLOW THE
CHILDREN TO DRIVE IT.
IT IS SO SMALL AND THEREFORE FAR LESS SAFE.
THE SAME REASON CHILDREN'S CIGARETTES ARE SHORTER.
AVEC NO FILTER.
AND THE THREEWAY MAKE US MORE MONOGAMOUS!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HAVE NEWS ABOUT MOUNTAIN DEW: THE FOUR
LOKO THAT GAVE UP.
THE SODA BRAND HAS CREATED THE "DEW GARITA," THE FIRST OFFICIAL
ALCOHOLIC MOUNTAIN DEW COCKTAIL.
I KNOW IT'S CALLED "DEW-GARITA", BUT DOCTORS ADVISE "DON'T
GARITA."
AND MOUNTAIN DEW IS A GREAT ADDITION BECAUSE WHAT'S MISSING
FROM A STANDARD MARGARITA IS THE ENERGY TO STAY AWAKE FOR HOW BAD
YOU FEEL.
BUT YOU CAN'T GET THIS JUST ANYWHERE.
THE DRINK WILL BE AVAILABLE EXCLUSIVELY AT RED LOBSTER.
SO THE "DEW-GARITA" IS A REALLY CONVENIENT WAY TO SEE IF CHEDDAR
BAY BISCUITS LOOK THE SAME ON THE WAY OUT AS ON THE WAY IN.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, LIKE AMERICANS, DUE TO COVID,
AUSTRALIANS ARE UNABLE TO TRAVEL INTERNATIONALLY, WHICH IS REALLY
HURTING THEIR AIRLINE INDUSTRY.
WHICH IS WHY "QANTAS IS NOW OFFERING A SEVEN-HOUR FLIGHT
TO NOWHERE."
SOUNDS GOOD.
NEXT YEAR QANTAS WILL BE OFFERING IT'S NEW SERVICE:
"OOPS, ALL LAYOVERS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, DUE TO THE
PANDEMIC, THE "MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE WILL BE
VIRTUAL THIS YEAR."
SMART.
AND TO FURTHER ENSURE SAFETY, ALL BALLOONS WILL BE APPEARING
VIA ZOOM.
INSTEAD OF THE PARADE ROUTE, THE FLOATS WILL BE IN HERALD SQUARE
AND "THE OVERALL NUMBER OF PARTICIPANTS IN THE PARADE WILL
BE REDUCED BY APPROXIMATELY 75% SPLITTING THE REMAINING
PARTICIPANTS OVER TWO DAYS."
FINALLY RESPONDING TO CALLS FOR THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE TO
BE LESS ENTERTAINING, BUT TAKE TWICE AS LONG.
THAT WAS QUARANTINEWHILE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE FROM TRIUMPH'S TRUMP FOCUS GROUP.