>>HEY HONEY.
I THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE DINNER TONIGHT TO CELEBRATE YOUR BAND GETTING ITS FIRST OFFICIAL GROUPIE.
>>WHO?
>>ME.
>>OH!
THAT’S SO SWEET!
BUT I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO COOK.
>>I DON’T.
THEY’RE DINOSAUR NUGGETS.
>>COOL.
LOOK AT THAT.
UM, HONEY, BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED.
THERE’S SOMETHING I HAVE TO CONFESS.
>>WHAT?
>>YOU WILL CONFESS EVENTUALLY.
TELL HIM WHITNEY.
TELL HIM YOUR DARK SECRET.
ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRUST A-- >>JAMES.
THIS IS THE WRONG SKETCH.
>>WHAT?
>>THIS ISN’T THE DETECTIVE SKETCH.
THAT’S NEXT WEEK.
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
>>BUT YOU SAID THE LINE.
“I WILL NEVER CONFESS!”
>>NO I DIDN’T.
>>OH.
OKAY.
>>[CLEARING THROAT] UM, THERE’S SOMETHING I HAVE TO CONFESS.
>>WHAT?
>>WE’RE KICKING YOU OUT OF THE FAN CLUB.
>>WHAT?
BUT I’M THE ONLY FAN.
>>WELL YOU’RE NOT A HIPSTER.
>>I’M NOT?
>>NO.
>>BETTER TO BE THOUGHT MAINSTREAM AND REMAIN SILENT,
THAN TO SPEAK OUT AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT.
>>JAMES!
>>WHAT?
I THOUGHT THIS WAS OUR HIPSTER PARODY OF THE LINCOLN FILM.
>>WE DON’T HAVE A SKETCH THAT MATCHES THAT DESCRIPTION JAMES.
>>OW.
>>OH.
>>YEAH, AND THAT QUOTE WAS FROM MARK TWAIN NOT LINCOLN.
>>OH.
>>NO JAMES WE DON’T HAVE A MARK TWAIN SKETCH EITHER.
>>YOU KNOW WHAT?
FINE.
I CAN TELL WHEN I’M NOT WANTED.
>>I’M NOT SURE YOU CAN.
>>I’M JUST GOING TO GO BACK STAGE AND GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
>>OKAY.
[SIGH] >>YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?
HOW ABOUT SOME BISQUE.
>>JASON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THAT’S NOT EVEN YOUR CHARACTER.
>>WHA-- HOW DARE YOU!
>>OH.
JAMES!
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
>>YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUSLY RUINING THIS SKETCH.
>>DID SOMEONE SAY LITERALLY?
>>NO.
NO.
WE SAID SERIOUSLY.
>>OH.
>>NATALIE, YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WRONG GENDER TO
PLAY CAPTAIN LITERALLY.
OKAY?
WHAT?
OH!
>>WHERE’S THE BATHROOM?
[GROAN] >>STEVEN.
WE’VE JUST BEEN OVER THIS.
YOU CAN’T BE LADY SHADOW.
YOU ARE A MAN AND SHE IS A VERY PREGNANT WOMEN.
>>[SIGH] YOU’RE RIGHT.
THIS IS AWKWARD.
>>AWKWARD?
[MANLY GROANING] HOW DO YOU LIKE IT JASON?
>>AH.
MY EMOTIONS ARE EVERYWHERE RIGHT NOW.
>>IT’S SO IS THE DEFENSIVE LINEMEN, BUT STAND FIRM AND HOLD YOUR BACKS UP,
‘CAUSE I’VE GOT A HUNCH THAT WE’RE GOING-- >>MAL, MAL.
WE CUT THE HUNCHBACK OF THE UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME SKETCH.
REALLY BAD IDEA.
>>DANG IT.
LADY SHADOW!
>>WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?
DID ANY ONE BOTHER TO READ THE SCRIPT FOR THIS SKETCH?
I MEAN NONE OF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
YOU PEOPLE HAVE KILLED THE FUNNY OF THIS SKETCH IS
BURNING BEFORE OUR EYES.
NOT LITERALLY.
>>SORRY I GOT EXCITED.
>>YEAH.
>>OKAY, NO ONE DRESSED UP LIKE ANNE?
>>WELL...
>>YOU KNOW...
>>I WOULD RATHER DIE.
[KNOCK ON THE DOOR] >>JEREMY.
FINALLY SOMEONE WHO’S ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS SKETCH.
>>GOOD EVENING MATTHEW.
>>SORRY, HE INSISTED.
>>WHERE’S SPENCER?
>>THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST WAY TO START THE SEASON.
>>BALANCE RESTORED.