YOU KNOW, AS FUN AS IT IS TO
WATCH AND TALK ABOUT THE CONVENTION, THERE IS A LITTLE
NON-CONVENTION NEWS OUT THERE.
TODAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT FOX NEWS C.E.O. ROGER AILES, WHO WAS
ACCUSED OF REPEATED SEXUAL HARASSMENT, HAS RESIGNED.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE RESIGNATION COMES ON THE
HEELS OF A FOX NEWS INTERNAL PROBE.
(LAUGHTER) INTERNAL PROBE, BY THE WAY, IS
ONE OF THE THINGS HE'S ACCUSED OF ASKING FOR.
NOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT, ALTHOUGH I SPENT WELL OVER A
DECADE MAKING FUN OF HIS NETWORK AND HIM AND THE DAMAGE I THINK
HE DID TO THE WORLD, THE NEWS OF THIS MAN LOSING HIS
JOB GIVES ME NO PLEASURE.
(LAUGHTER) JIMMY, CAN WE GET THE CAMERA OFF
ME FOR A SECOND?
(CHEERING) IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE I
COULD SHARE THIS LACK OF PLEASURE WITH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> HEY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: OH, JON STEWART!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GOOD TO SEE YOU!
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NORMALLY THIS TIME OF NIGHT, I'M JUST SLEEPING.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW ROGER AILES HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUAL
HARASSMENT?
>> OH, I MIGHT HAVE READ SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, HE STEPPED DOWN TODAY.
>> HUH.
JIMMY, CAN YOU TAKE THE CAMERA OFF ME FOR A SECOND?
(CHEERING) >> Stephen: SO THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY.
IS THERE SOMETHING I COULD HELP YOU WITH?
>> I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD JUST MAYBE TALK ABOUT THE
ELECTION FOR A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
WELL, I'M GONNA JUST NEED THE --
YOUR DESK.
>> Stephen: WANT TO SIT HERE?
YEAH.
(CHEERING) >> Stephen: REALLY NICE DOWN
HERE.
>> IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY -- OH, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO DO.
THIS (CHEERING)
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
GOES RIGHT ON THE HAIR.
>> Stephen: HAVE A GOOD TIME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HELLO!
HOW ARE YOU?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> AH, THANK YOU.
WELL, THE CONVENTION'S OVER.
AND THE REPUBLICANS APPEAR TO DEFENSE HE SAID IVANKA WAS GOING
TO SPEAK BUT THIS ANGRY GUY CAMEON'S OUT AND VOMITED ON EVERYBODY FOR
AN HOUR.
THE REPUBLICANS APPEAR TO HAVE A VERY CLEAR PLAN FOR AMERICA.
JAIL THEIR POTENTIAL OPPONENT.
INJECT RUDY GIULIANI WITH A SPEEDBALL-AND-RED-BULL ENEMA,
AND SPEND THE REST OF THE TIME SCARING THE HOLY BEJESUS OUT OF
EVERYBODY.
BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THAT.TIME ME, I'M JUST GONNA ENJOY
WATCHING THE GYMNASTICS PORTION OF THE PROGRAM.LY
THAT WILL BE THE CONTORTIONS MANY CONSERVATIVES WILL HAVE TO
DO TO EMBRACE DONALD TRUMP, A MAN WHO EMBODIES ALL THE THINGS
THAT THEY HAVE FOR YEARS SAID THEY'VE HATED ABOUT BARACK
OBAMA.
>> MOST INEXPERIENCED NOMINEE TO EVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> ONE OF THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENTS IN HISTORY.
>> NOTORIOUSLY THIN-SKINNED.
STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AUTHORITARIAN.
>> A RAGING NARCISSIST WHO HAS NO GRIP ON REALITY.RC
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> A THIN-SKINNED NARCISSIST.
NO GOVERNMENT EXPERIENCE.
YES, THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE -- BARACK OBAMA.
(LAUGHTER) SO RIGHT WING MEDIA IS GOING TO
HAVE TO SPEND 24 HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, NOW,
JUSTIFYING THIS CHOICE.
CAN THEY MAKE THE TURN?
THEY ALREADY ARE.
LET'S TRACE THE JOURNEY THROUGH THE EYES OF ONE OF THEIR MOST
TALENTED GYMNASTS.
HIS NAME ESCAPES ME, SO LET'S REFER TO HIM AS LUMPY.
(LAUGHTER) HI, LUMPY.
FOR INSTANCE, HERE'S HOW LUMPY FELT ABOUT BARACK OBAMA'S
DIVISIVENESS.
>> THIS PRESIDENT IS THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.
DIVIDED ALONG RACIAL LINES, RICH VERSUS POOR, BLACK VERSUS WHITE,
OLD VERSUS YOUNG.
>> CATS VS. DOGS, BATMAN VS.
SUPERMAN.
THE ONE VS. THESE OTHER TWO!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE BUSINESS
FOR A WHILE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, ACTUALLY.
(LAUGHTER) IF YOU DON'T LIKE DIVISIVENESS,
WHAT ABOUT TRUMP SUGGESTING MEXICO IS SENDING US THEIR
RAPISTS?
IF YOU DON'T LIKE DIVISIVE RHETORIC, THEN --
>> PERHAPS INARTICULATE, BUT HE DID SAY, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE
ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
HE DIDN'T SAY ALL MEXICANS.
>> AND CINCO DE MAYO!
HE HAD THE TRUMP TOWER TACO BOWL!
THAT IS ONE OF THE HEALINGEST
MEALS ON THE TRUMP TOWER MENU.
LOOK, I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON RACIAL UNITY, BUT SOME OF OUR
MORE NOTED HISTORICAL LEADERS IN THAT AREA DID RETWEET WHITE
SUPREMACISTS LESS.
LESS THAN TRUMP.
SO I BELIEVE -- I'M JUST SAYIN'.
(LAUGHTER) THEN THERE WAS THE OBAMA CRONY
THAT LUMPY COULDN'T STAND.
HIS OLD FRIEND TELEPROMPTY.
>> PRESIDENT OBAMA, HE CAN'T READ A SENTENCE WITHOUT A
TELEPROMPTER.
HE SLEEPS WITH THE DARN THING.
>> YEAH, HE PROBABLY SLEEPS WITH THE DAMN THING.
AND THEN PROBABLY DOESN'T CALL IT THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE IT
DIDN'T SAY ON THE TELEPROMPTER, TO CALL!
(LAUGHTER) LUMPY, YOUR 180, PLEASE.
>> WE'VE SEEN HIM GIVING A SERIES OF POLICY SPEECHES, USING
A TELEPROMPTER, STAYING ON MESSAGE, REALLY WELL DONE FOR
SOMEBODY WHO HAD NEVER DONE IT BEFORE. Y
>> YOU HATE TELEPROMPTERS!
YOU'RE SAYING NOW TELEPROMPTERS ARE FOR STUPID PEOPLE!
AND I THOUGHT TRUMP HANDLED IT PRETTY GOOD.
(LAUGHTER) BUT INEXPERIENCE ASIDE,
DIVISIVENESS AIDE, THE WORST THING ABOUT BARACK OBAMA IS HIS
ELITISM.
>> BARACK OBAMA IS ANYTHING BUT MAINSTREAM.
SITTING IN HIS MILLION-DOLLAR HOME, CLAIMING TO BE FOR THE
PEOPLE, WE HAVE TO WONDER HOW IN TOUCH HE IS WITH THE AVERAGE
AMERICAN.
TAKE A LOOK AT HIM ORDERING HIS BURGER WITH A VERY SPECIAL
CONDIMENT.
DIJON MUSTARD?AM.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT FANCY BURGER, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> YEAH, YOU PROBABLY EAT THE BURGER WITH YOUR MOUTH, INSTEAD
OF ACTING LIKE A REAL AMERICAN AND HAVING A MAGNUM FIRE IT UP
YOUR ASS, LIKE THEY SERVE 'EM AT ARBY'S!
THAT'S HOW THEY SERVE THEM AT
ARBY'S, THEY SHOOT THEM RIGHT UP YOUR ASS.
MEAN WHILE, HERE'S HOW LUMPYAT FEELS ABOUT THE GUY WHO SITS IN
A LITERAL GOLDEN THRONE AT THE TOP OF A GOLDEN TOWER WITH HIS
NAME IN GOLD LETTERS AT THE TOP OF IT, EATING PIZZA WITH A KNIFE
AND FORK.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT GUY?DE >> I THOUGHT ONE OF THE MORE
FASCINATING DESCRIPTIONS OF YOUR DAD CAME FROM YOU.
YOU ONCE CALLED HIM ON MY SHOW A BLUE COLLAR BILLIONAIRE.
(LAUGHTER) >> THAT'S NOT A THING!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW WHAT?
PLEASE -- IT IS TRUE.
TRUMP SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY YOU'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN AND OWN A
FLEET OF AIRPLANES WITH.
LOOK, ALL THAT STUFF IS SUPERFICIAL.
AND I'M SURE IT'S EASY FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT ETHICS OR
PRINCIPLES TO EMBRACE SOMEONE WHO EMBODIES EVERYTHING THEY
SAID THEY HATED ABOUT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT FOR THE PAST
EIGHT YEARS.
BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE.
AND THAT'S WHERE LUMPY AND FRIENDS HAVE FOUND THE PRESIDENT
LACKING.
>> WHO SITS IN THE PEWS OF JEREMIAH "GD AMERICA" AND
"AMERICA'S CHICKENS HAVE COME HOME TO ROOST" AFTER 9/11?
IS THAT A CHRISTIAN CHURCH TO YOU?
HE SAYS HE'S A CHRISTIAN.
I'M A CHRISTIAN.
I WOULDN'T GO TO REVEREND WRIGHT'S CHURCH.
>> BUT OBAMA WOULD.
BECAUSE HE'S THE TYPE OF CHRISTIAN THAT'S, YOU KNOW, NOT
CHRISTIAN.IG WELL, WHEN THE POPE SAID THAT
TRUMP'S TALK ABOUT IMMIGRATION WAS NOT CHRISTIAN, SURELY THAT
GAVE LUMPY PAUSE.
>> WHO'S THE POPE TO SAY THATYO DONALD TRUMP IS NOT A CHRISTIAN?
HOW CAN A POPE OR ANYBODY DECIDE IF SOMEBODY'S A CHRISTIAN IN
THEIR HEART?
>> YEAH, WHO DIED AND MADE THAT GUY POPE?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NO ONE?
OH, HE JUST RETIRED?
I FEEL THAT.
SO HERE'S WHERE WE ARE.
EITHER LUMPY AND FRIENDS ARE LYING ABOUT BEING BOTHERED
BY THIN-SKINNED, AUTHORITARIAN, LESS-THAN-CHRISTIAN
READERS-OF-PROMPTER BEING PRESIDENT, OR YOU DON'T CARE, AS
LONG AS IT'S "YOUR" THIN-SKINNED PROMPTER AUTHORITARIAN TYRANT
NARCISSIST GIVING YOU YOUR COUNTRY BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL
OWNERS.IN ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
IT'S NOT YOURS.
YOU DON'T OWN IT.
IT NEVER WAS.
THERE IS NO "REAL" AMERICA.
YOU DON'T OWN IT.
YOU DON'T OWN PATRIOTISM.
YOU DON'T OWN CHRISTIANITY.
YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T OWN RESPECT FOR THE DRIVERY AND
SACRIFICE FOR MILITARY, POLICE AND FIREFIGHTERS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TRUST ME.
SAW A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE CONVENTION FLOOR WITH THEIR
"BLUE LIVES MATTER" RHETORIC WHO EITHER REMAINED SILENT OR
ACTIVELY FOUGHT AGAINST THE 9/11 FIRST RESPONDERS BILL
REAUTHORIZATION.
SO I SEE YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> WE'RE LIVE.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> NEVER BEEN ON A TELEVISION SHOW WITH STAKES BEFORE.
SO I SEE YOU.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THOSE REAL AMERICANS FIGHTING FOR
THEIR PLACE AT THE TABLE?
OFFER PROBLEM WITH THEM BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE SUBGROUPS OF
AMERICANS ARE BEING DIVISIVE.
TAKE IT UP WITH THE FOUNDERS.
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, THAT ALL MEN ARE
CREATED EQUAL."
RESPECT, LIN-MANUEL.
THOSE FIGHTING TO BE INCLUDED IN THE IDEAL OF EQUALITY ARE NOT
BEING DIVISIVE.
THOSE FIGHTING TO KEEP THEM OUT ARE.
SO, LUMPY, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS HAVE EMBRACED DONALD TRUMP.
CLEARLY THE C NEXT TO YOUR NAME DOESN'T STAND FOR CONSTITUTIONAL
CONSERVATIVE, BUT CRAVENLY CONVENIENT C --
(AIR HORN BLOWING) >> Stephen: SORRY.
JON STEWART, EVERYONE!